Universal shift- The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I resolved two past conflicts. Their resolution did not involve blame but understanding. Understanding how these events fit in my life.

This movie hit hard. It is the most unique concept I have seen. I am eternally grateful that I clicked on it- it had come across my feed many times. Today it was on the top, and I felt drawn. I clicked it. My perspective. I have no words. I do not wish to lose what I gained.

When she says she is not a concept, I saw that's what I was doing to Durga. I made her a concept that would save me. I chased that concept. I too assumed she slept around. I too wished to be held by my mother. That part where he becomes a kid in the kitchen is akin to my acid trip with her.

Then is the hair color part, she gave off the same energy when I met her. The excitement, Clementine calling Joel into the house on the beach was when Durga called me upstairs. I did not go. I did not complete it. That scene where she tells him to say goodbye made me feel so much... emotion.

I ran from the beach then went to Durga again. Joel ran from the room and went to Clementine again. Both people looked to make the girl a concept, a completion. A relationship sprung where I became boring and thought her a whore. I became insecure and she became resentful to my losership. She got a guy I consider like Patrick.

I am shattered yet whole.

The relationship had ups and then downs. It ended in a great fight. She neglected him. He did not communicate. I feel so- just so much I do not know what to say.

The shooting style, the dream sequences, so ahead of its time I know Jim Carrey. Well done. If I become an actor I aspire to be like you. My breath is taken away, I literally feel short in it.

This movie comes at a time of resolution. A day before Durga's birthday.

He tried hard to forget her, yet when the time came he scrambled to save the memories. Memory version of her saw his memories, she saw 'him', and she had felt he is a closed book. She saw him, even if 'she' was a memory. She was so kind in those memories, my heart melted, especially when Joel is bullied by Frank. For him the experience of opening up to the memory version of her is the same as the real one. It is the opening up which is transformative.

My god when that house broke down. When she told him to say goodbye. I feel so much. I have no words. Exactly me. How surreal it is to see such similarity. What do I do with this? How do I move ahead? Or do I move ahead because I am too afraid to stay here. Is it not obvious by now I need not move. These shifts, will attract life.

This movie is packed with meaning. The female anima who saves him. Literally, anima means alive, and Clementine is liveliness.

Whatever it is, I know to call her and wish her a happy birthday. I will do so. Many months ago I wondered what I would do if it was her birthday, I told myself the answer will come nearer to the date. 3 hours to go. Incredible. God you have outdone yourself.

I wonder if she has watched this movie.

I know I made her into a concept. I realised yesterday that for all the crap I gave her about being attached to me, I was the one attached to her.

Good morning. Happy birthday. I realised yesterday that I gave you crap for being attached to me, but I realise I was in reality attached to you. I made you into a concept that would cure my trauma of exchange, worsening my life and blaming you for it. I am sorry. I hope you have a good day.

Wow. Oh wow. I shall meditate now.

Such a sneaky little movie you were. Started off normal then ceaselessly punching me in the gut. Well done. Honestly.

Binge

I had five beers today. Turns out my capacity to drink still exists, only I ought to be sad enough. Would you too not be sad, if you pinpointed the moment life went wrong and years perished?

Fortunately I think not my next move. Turns out I am terrible at it. Hey, sense of humour is a good sign though. Let us see what happens.

Interestingly I am legal to drink now. My first legal binge, how wonderful. I also exercised. Perhaps the key is to stay neutral- let the badness cancel out the goodness- if not positive. Little changes and improvements- even in your spirals try to do them 1% better. Think less, space out more, worry 1% less about consequences.

The art of spiralling upwards is easy if you stand on your head.

Realisation

Here are some recent occurrences:

The pursuit of lost morality

Kids throwing crackers

The regret over America

The Finnish decision, how it directly made me be here.

The idea that if I made those decisions, what tells me I will not repeat these mistakes

Desire to integrate sexuality and aggression

Realisation that I hate myself

The story of someone telling you to put your hand in a cage you think something bad is in, you decide no, then they convince you, you put your hand, you get bit, then you forget you had said no, then you remain ill until the chance comes to put your hand in another cage, they again say so, but this time you are adamant, you do not, then that cage had better chances of diamonds. You feel bad that you did not listen to this person, but now you remember why. Why would a rational human being listen to this person, who has not even acknowledged how they sickened you. You will look out for yourself, and reject all things this person stands for including morality. You messed up your future, you wanted diamonds. You hate yourself for being so stubborn, but you now understand.

A few days ago, I was walking down the street. Some kids threw crackers at me multiple times, but I did not do anything about it. I did not wish to hit them, so I chose to not acknowledge their existence. I felt I took the higher path, turned the other cheek.

Later my maid had mentioned it, how her son saw them throwing crackers. I then began to think what kind of example I had created. I felt like a loser, who deluded himself into thinking he was being better by not reacting.

Now as I was in bed, I kept thinking about this incident. These feelings intensified. Coincidentally I was listening to Peterson’s lecture, he was talking about how one must wield a big stick and speak softly, how many clients come for assertiveness training and how it is important to integrate aggression. He also spoke about how Rogers suggests that truthful dialogue is therapeutic. One technique was to repeat what the other person is saying before positing your own viewpoint.

I implemented truthful dialogue with myself. I realised I was not listening to myself in this matter. I laid out two sides- one which wanted to be assertive and the other who said to turn the other cheek. The conclusion was that being assertive and turning the other cheek are in reality one side. I believed that the options were anger and avoidance. I chose avoidance, telling myself I might instead beat those kids. I chose to beat myself up over them. Which is still better, but not ideal. The kids remained spoilt, I a pushover and my conscience conflicted.

The ideal was to be assertive by turning the other cheek. Turning the other cheek means recognising your oppressor and telling them you can take more. It meant to simply stand there and look at those kids instead of avoiding them. Then see what happens.

In the American decision too I felt my options as not listen at all and run back home or to stay. I wonder why I was so rushed and desperate to return home. I felt this was being assertive, but why was I choosing this decision? In fact, going to America meant compromising on Europe, it was being a pushover. Where did it all start?

As I dug further in, I recognised this theme. Finland. I was not assertive. In my heart of hearts I did not wish to go. I made my mind to cancel, then my father came and said go. I got confused again. I usurped my life because I did not stand my ground. The year then demolished me. Finland had hurt me so much, that I now believe it was this pain which made me rush away from America. I did not wish to get convinced again.

The year had caused me suffering, it was the cage I was opting out of. I now understand why I did not listen to my father, I was hurt from the last time. I did not trust him to know what was right for me. Finland had hurt me so much, but he has not seen his responsibility. Finland has ruined my life.

I still went to Finland because the logic was that going meant I am strong, that I ought to choose difficulty to be the best. I now see true strength is being assertive, it is listening to your heart. When my heart said to cancel, if I had just stood my ground, I would have already reached my goal of strength. Where I wish to reach now. Instead, I am faced with this situation where I fear my heart will never speak to me again. I am faced with hatred for myself, because I did not listen to myself. I am angered by the fact that my father still feels upset I did not go to America. I am angered that I ruined my life over this. I am angered that I spent years in addiction to forget this pain. I am angered that I let go of morality, because my father stood for morality, but he did not stand for me. Fine, when we decided Finland we both did not know what it meant. But when I came back, when I suffered, when I cried, could he not see then? I deserved help, therapy and love. Instead I got noise, heat and conflict. Then I left home. The worst part is that in many of these things I feel guilty for standing up for myself.

This realisation was a major home run. I realised that I hate myself because I did not stand up for myself. I must learn how to do so. I learned that I rushed dropping out of America because otherwise I would get convinced like Finland and find more suffering. I feel incensed. I then guilt myself over my anger, but no more. It is the truth. I am not lying.

I decided to not go to Finland.

Dad told me again.

I went.

I suffered.

I am in hell.

This was very smart. Thank you. I ought to talk to you more.

Once more:

I had wanted to go on an exchange year. In JBCN, I found a good life. It was the first time I felt this way, I loved it. Then the exchange year decision came, I backed out. Then my father told me to reconsider. This led to considerable conflict. It was the first onset of depression and anxiety. I went. I suffered. I adjusted, then I returned. I felt worse. Family arguments made it worse, I felt neglected. I met and fell for Durga. I became obsessed. I left home because it made me upset. I looked for guidance. It was not helpful. I found a counsellor. I told him Europe. He convinced me America. I did not feel it. I went to America. There I felt terrible. I rushed to drop out. My dad tried to stop me. This made me want to run else I get convinced again. I was afraid of the Finnish situation. I returned home. I wanted to go to Europe. My obsession with Durga got the best of me. I saw Bangalore as an option. If I had not gone to Finland, I would not have met Durga, and Bangalore would not be an option. If this was not an option I would not have dropped out, or would have at least gone to Europe. I chose Bangalore. I wanted comfort and settlement. In Bangalore I got worse then sobered up. I realised what hell I am in. I then let go of Durga, my addictions. I realised I should have stayed in America or gone to Europe. I felt guilt for going against my father. I understood that going to Finland was not needed and America would have been more natural. I understood that applying the same philosophy was a mistake. I understood that if not for Finland, I would have had a normal life and normal friends. I would have done IB, hung out with Niomi, maybe I would have shifted out. I would not be one year behind. I would have gone abroad for college. I would have had everything that I now desired.

But I had also desired greatness. My father also pushed for this. We got our wish. I do not resent him, but I do want him to see his role. Unless we are both on board, I will never achieve greatness. I need him, for this I also need to tell him my truth. Especially if he feels I should have gone to America, he needs to know why I rushed.

Incredible.

02/12/23

Spoke to my father about this and other things. I am blessed to have a father who is willing to listen, understand and accept responsibility for his role in Finland. He also understands that I am no more the child I was, busy in creating and reading, and that this is what I mean by the integrity I seek. These two things were homeruns. Thank you.

Inspiration

A friend told me of The Artist’s Way. This book comes to me at a time I have a little spiritual block. I also have been wishing to venture into art, such as drawing. Thus I feel it is providence.

I got a pdf of the book, and while reading it I was inspired by the idea of working in Manhattan. The city at night while typing away. Creative fervour has been a talent I wish to hone. To create movies, stories and art. These are beautiful ideas, and along with this came the idea of Problem Sculpting.

All of this has happened during the foreword. Even if this is all I develop from this book, it is the world. For to inspire is no coincidence. I know you got me.

Third eye meditation

I have been looking to experience how the third eye feels. Today was day 5 of the course on insighttimer. It had me ask a question and perceive an answer.

First I shed my body, for the first time I could imagine ‘me’ and not some stock image of a body being shed. I saw a ball of white light. I did not try to bring this picture in mind. When it came, I second guessed it until Carrie said the soul can look like a ball of light. I feel nice to finally see this symbol that many have seen. I am no longer lacking in visualisation.

Then the question. Both sample questions she gave me were relatable: How can I motivate myself to exercise and what do I need to know for my soul to be free for the highest good.

I have often believed that the best questions are yes or no because otherwise things are too complex. I adopted this belief because even though I loved complex things, I felt compelled to let that go. I began to confuse simple for barren. But today she told me that the higher self in fact would enjoy questions of what, why and how. Finally, here too I feel some relief.

A great note was to add the ‘for my highest good’ part to any question, as this tells me I am asking for the greater good and not short term pleasure. This seeking of short term pleasure is a fear of mine, as it is easy to confuse short term for good.

Thus I chose to meditate on the question of ‘What do I need to know for my soul to be free, for my highest good?’ This idea of freedom feels relevant today, as I let go of Tabla classes and being polite company.

When I dropped my body, thoughts stopped to arise as much. This was wonderful. Certain thoughts came up, but they did not stick. I do not even remember them, perhaps this proves they were not the answer. Or it means I remember the supposed answer because I repeated it. To this I ask, why would I choose to repeat one thing over another? Because it is true?

The answer was ‘I hate myself’. Initially I did not choose to believe this, I called it negative self talk. but if all other thoughts stopped and only this came up, how is it self-talk.

I hate myself.

This is what I need to know to find freedom for my highest good. This answer does feel profound. To accept that I hate myself, to confront it is painful. I want to be the best. Yet here I am, hating myself.

I am sorry to be hateful. I hope to learn to overcome this.

Sadness

29/11/23

Hello. This feeling does fall under sadness, but it has a name I cannot now recall. Perhaps I do not know what it is called. It is the feeling when you let go of something which causes you anxiety, and the person it is associated with dislikes you for it. Perhaps I do not know what it is called, because to let go of something which causes me anxiety I do not do, for the persons associated with it may dislike me.

I have been playing the tabla as a hobby, but it has gotten serious where my teacher insists we do lessons twice a week. Not much time, but leading up to the lessons I am struck with anxiety. I try to run from them. I also have not mastered my old lessons. I had told him I will sit for the exams, perhaps he operated from this mindset. I did not call him when I returned from vacaion, he called me and asked when we shall sit. I then told him I don’t feel like it. I said I will get back when I am back home. He felt that I ought to continue if I am to write the exam. I told him I do not wish to write the exam then.

This conflict resonates throughout my life. It is a conflict between want and forceful wanting. The gravest example seems when I forced myself to want Finland through logic. It is amusing how this happens at a time when I am realising the issues of going to Finland.

Want and forceful wanting.

My teacher sounded hurt. I did not wish to hurt him. I only wanted some space from the lessons. My mistake was not telling him sooner, perhaps I kept him waiting. I am sorry for that, I was not brave enough to tell him earlier.

If you have such things, tell them to the person concerned. Lest one day you resent yourself for tagging along and blame the other person for not letting you go on their own accord. Only you can liberate yourself. Again, funny how today’s Quote card told me No one saves us but ourselves.

I feel sad for hurting him. My mind races to the future, will I pursue tabla? Will he see me play and feel hurt? I wish to have no ill feelings. I wish to harm nobody. Yet, I do feel upset- why did he not understand that I am not in the space. Why must I always justify my desires, why is a simple I do not wish to not enough?

I too have played tyrant to myself. I am sorry self, I will respect your desires more. I get scared, thinking that your desires in the past have harmed us now- but that is not true is it? You desired to stay home, not go for an exchange year. It is amusing, how I wish to avoid making the same mistake by discovering what the mistake was by restraining all my desires; only to see now that the restraint of desire was the original mistake.

When were you truly happy and at home? 9th and 10th was so nice. The memories of JBCN Parel still weigh heavy. I had friends, family and my own self. I had morality and the desire to do good.

I am sorry. I feel apologetic to my teacher, even though you were not rude or resentful. You clearly stated your case and sent a message apologizing. He said ok, if there is time we shall sit. Now you feel that you must clarify it is not time but desire, and you wonder if this clarification would be rude. Time is there, there is no desire. You are at conflict, you wish to end things in such a way there is a future. Do not act for the future. Act for the present. Do not reply. Wait.

It was very stressful the time before the classes. I constantly wished to cancel. I like the instrument, it is fun. But I am not having fun. I am not having the zeal to go out and learn. This I value. I was measuring it in hours. What way is that? Yes, it is incredibly useful if there is a goal- but what is your goal here? To have fun.

Follow your heart. You have been waiting so long to hear it.

Another thing that happened today is this:

A while ago a girl asked me out. I said no. Today we met and hung out. I did not feel fun or interested, but I was there to respect her invite. I left early, which hurt her. As I left, she was angry that I leave early, which was for her unsettling. New behaviour- I did not protest or convince I only listened and acknowledged. On my way home, I wondered what this will result in, as I listened to my heart and not the forceful wanter. She texted saying the wound is still fresh and it is best we do not meet. I do agree. I am very glad she realised this, but when I left I also did feel sad.

I felt sad that people were upset when I did what was right by me. It makes me feel alone. It is ok. This is a better burden to bear than being fake company or a fake student. It is real. I accept I wished to leave, and that I do not want music lessons.

---

10/12/23 10 am

Hello my love

Too much pressure? I am sorry about that. I hope you live up to it, but there's no problem if you do not. You do not claim to be perfect. In fact, perfection scares you. I believe last night you experienced your divinity, now you second guess. Are you really affable to all? What if you end up a failure? In that case, what is a failure to you? Is it not a lack of self expression. Vulnerability. I sense there was a part of you unexpressed. That part which still aches- I ought not to forget. You are just a boy. These things which people enjoyed your company for have came because of your pain. I am grateful that they listened, so intently. It tells me I can just be myself, that there is no reason to hide or sugarcoat. Even for yourself. I realise there is pain. So much pain, but I am here for you. I wish I could say things to heal people. I am envious of Jesus, I too wish to heal only with my touch. What is the path to this? If it means casting away doubt, so be it. If it means to remain present, so be it. I do suspect all answers are here. Know what you feel. You feel a bit sad. You wished to cry a moment ago. Now, remain yourself. They love you and you love them. Try not to give in to thoughts, they will pass. You are not an imposter. You are human.

What bothers you? That they try so hard to find role models for Rohin? Well, where is the solution? Who am I to tell them what to do? Well, wait to be asked. Contemplate your answers. There is no rush.

Cast away guilt. So much to be grateful for. Wonderful uncles. Seeing such an inquisitive child. Caring parents. Great househelp. How could you ever think you are being arrogant, when there is the tool of gratitude. I feel humbled. That there are people who listened to me. They praise you, but that praise is not important. Their presence is, and not even the greatest of minds can guarantee presence. Thus, your audience is what you were looking for.

Not to mention the discovery of yourself as your teacher. You look so hard for a guide, and I am within. Meditate on pain. Realise you are all over the place and tell people the truth: that you do not wish to talk about these things further, as you might lie. Simply put, you do not know. It is okay to not know. Worry not about any untruths you may have said, they cannot be rectified. Think only of the moment, what you do and how you feel. Find grounding in the present.

I also wish to tell them not to tell my father much about their praise, as it may further make him judge Abhishek. Nor do I wish to be praised. I am not a spiritual guru. I do not wish to guide or lead anybody, as I do not know how to do it. I also believe I cannot do it, everyone has their own path. I can only try to help in the form of listening. Just as I listen to you now. Your feelings, how the nose hurts a bit, teethache. Teethache is new. I am not familiar with it. A headache. Pounding heart.

I am my own person. I feel that.

Cravings

27/11/23 10 am

I wrote about the worst cravings 2 days ago. They got topped. Incredible.

It was a moment of such gravity. I thought it would pass, but it kept getting longer and longer. It felt real, because I truly did not know if I would win. Often, one can get comfortable in certainty about one’s behaviour, but this is deception. Incredible how little we actually control. It’s like recognizing other people have thier own lives and thoughts and ambitions and feelings, only with your own self.

I lay in bed. I did not run from it by pursuing reading or exercise or anything. I could not be bothered. Also, what kind of a life is it if I cannot sleep on my stomach for fear of relapse? In a way, avoidance helps at first. But you must eventually create a life where the option is presented, it is fully justified, but you do not choose it.

I told myself I could relapse. I let it go. I also froze my body. Am I glad I did not do it? Yes I am. Was it full of conflict, yes it was. It all came down to whether I choose God or not. Myself or not. Excellence or not. Do I have blind faith? No, my faith is conciously chosen. I have not the luxury of ignorance anymore. I will know when I miss the mark, but for once I now know when I did well.

I have achieved something incredible last night. Does it worry me that I may have worse cravings? There is no point in worrying. Hanuman Chalisa all the way. Eventually that stopped too.

I had been feeling conflict in my surroundings. One potential perspective is that the world is trying to trip me over. This is time to abandon the mindset that only through mistakes I can learn. This has caused pain yes. But last night I did not pursue what I had certified to be wrong. I did this not by trying to run but remaining. It is very scary. You don’t know if you are going to slip, if you do you will only blame yourself. You hope not. But you will.

God isn’t easy. I feel stronger now. Do not run from conflict. Remain in it. The image of being surrounded by fire and chaos comes to mind. I will neither get burned nor douse the flames. Why should I?
If I am to burn, let me burn. If the fire is to die out it will die out. All I can do is remain.

Heh, am I being too condescending? Am I trying to rationalise? I feel like I am living on the edge. Oh my, is this the flatline ending? I didn’t even know I was in the flatline.

This must only mean I am close. I do not wish to slip now. I will be set back so much more.

Perhaps the best blessing will be to know I can only remain. I find myself pushing for activity just to avoid a relapse. This can take away joy. It is like replacing one addiction with another. I only wish to remain. Where will the world take me now?

Oh I hope to open my third eye, it sounds fun.

I really am a pampered prince no? Let me be a good one then. It is universal, to run from the lot assigned to us. In a world of suffering, if I reject my princliness I am called ungrateful, if I brandish it I am ungrateful. The line is to forget the princliness. It is only one condition. Will I be the same as a beggar? I do not know. I am not that confident to predict things which do not exist. I only wish that if I do be a beggar, I have the light to find my way.

Whatever you are born as, be good. I hope to be good. To carry myself well and gracefully, and to have the insight to learn from the moments I fail.

The world was trying to trip me up, or it was trying to break a greater illusion. Whatever it was, I feel I exercised control and rationality. Forget about the deserving or not aspect of relapse, I have felt poorly in the past. To push, is something I have not tried. The painful beauty seems to be that if we remain where we are, it is always the same. To relapse is always the same. But to keep going forward, brings novelty. Sometimes remaining is novelty.

How did you do this? Crazy. Little bit.

Thanks for reading by the way. I really, really hope it was worth your while.

---

27/11/23 8pm:

Ok. Here we are again. All seems lost. I get to resist. That is one way to think. I get a challenge to win, and there is both difficulty in this task and meaning. Is that not what you seek? A difficult and meaningful thing to do?

But I wish to give up.

You have often asked yourself your worth. You have berated your self for having a meaningless life. You wanted clarity, this is as clear as it gets. Let this habit go. Consider this your mind’s final fight. If you win this again, you win again and again. You did this in the morning, you can do this now. New strategies? No, just remain. Remain here.

Relax. I will not give you threat or reward. Be wherever you wish to be. Do what you wish to do. Just be in the moment.

---

28/11/23 4pm

I gave in to my cravings. I had misidentified the battle. I feel heavy, demotivated and sleepy. I feel low, and I don't owe this to the relapse. I have been feeling low for the past few days. Have I failed in my suffering? I don't think so. I am still in it. I do not think I have made things worse or better. There simply is nothing in life. I have no close friends I can speak to for hours. I have no hobbies which get me out of my home. I have little interest in the food I eat and the content I consume. Each activity has become a statistic, emanating from the fear of chaos. What if there is no structure? One thing is certain, the balance is difficult. I feel too much in order, I wish to go out. I do not wish to do this anymore. I am tired. There is nobody who can give me company.

At least I am no longer whitewashing my suffering. I am not resisting it, calling myself weak or holding myself to a high standard. That is self-criticism. It seems that I am not perfect. Nobody is, the only question is do I have the aggression to both resist self-criticism and at the same time pursue a better life.

This is the balance. Else, I reject the present and run behind things that will give a better future. Or I reject the criticism and sink into the suffering. To confront myself, to accept myself, and still wish to be better without any resentment.

I do wish to be better. I do wish to feel what I once felt in terms of achievement and drive. It seems hopeless, I do not know anymore if I can achieve this. I feel terribly alone.

Fortunately, there is no way out of my suffering. I feel that the relapse was feared because I thought I am cheating my suffering, but it remains. There is no way out ofit, so I cannot take the wrong path. As of now, there is no right path.

I am someone who does take opportunity, if I like it. I have spent long forcing myself to take opportunities, lest I be called a pessimist. Yet, often I have hated myself for not taking opportunities which simply did not exist. This too must be acknowledged, that there is very little to do. I don't want to study what I study. I don't want to live in this city. I don't want to lie anymore, I only wish to be real. This sucks. This really, really sucks.

View exercise as a habit already. It is not going to make you feel better. It will not help your addiction. You can still do both, it is not either or. You do it because you wish to be fit, not because you wish to be sober.

Terrible dream last night. I only wish to forget.

Sleep today off honestly. I am on leave now. Hopefully I find strength to rebuild, so it doesn't matter if you burn it all down. I don't care. Caring feels counterproductive now. It feels obsessive. I am a terrible person. I am angry and aggressive and imperfect when the situation makes it so. Where I am at in life, the situation is making it so a lot. When these things stop, I will be the sweetest. It really isn't me, and you cannot say I am shifting blame. If you do, then you are part of the problem. I have gaslit myself some times, displacing anger for the life situation into anger for life. Life is good. The life situation sucks. I know this. I often confuse the two, then I feel guilt for being this way.

But look where I am. Can you guarantee you would not be this way in my place? The issues that drove me here can no longer worsen my situation, I am bound for another 6 months. In a way this is good, I cannot do more damage. But the issues are still there, this is certain. I feel so alone.

How did you deal with this? I think you did not. You accepted your sadness. I do too. If I express this to others they do not understand. They tell me I think too much. All of them keep saying this, it angers me. Why can't they give me better ways to think? Are they too afraid of their thoughts? It seems so, else they would be thinkers. They probably are. Theory says we tell others the things we wish to hear. Do I wish to hear another weep about the gravity of life?

For if money and privilege too cannot guarantee happiness, then why do I chase? If the best have failed, why do I resist? Happiness isn't in my hands. Contrary to learned wisdom, neither is peace. It is counterintuitive, but I simply am not in control. If I was, why would I be here? If we say there is a demon tearing me down, then he is in control, not me. I am tired of being told to try harder by myself.

Because honestly to make it I need little effort. Maybe I am lying, and I might fail tomorrow's test. But this is unlikely. It is not overconfidence, it is just proven. If I do fail, then let this help me. Because my duty seems to be simply to pass, in lack of a higher standard. I do not wish to live like this anymore, caring about things I do not care about then haating myself for it.

These are my feelings. These are just mine. It feels new, no voice in my head pretending to be a winner. I am a sore loser. But a loser who works out and writes. Because I like it. Very few things I like. All others are fleeting interests. I think I like to write because I think. Writing is formal thought they say.

There has not been much I was good at. I only did things I was good at. I wrote and helped people. That was nice. They say I need a skill though. I need to earn.

Well, 6 months to go. Focus only on college.

What if I don't snap out? Well, this is likely. But you will. Eventually. Chill. You snapped out once, it is possible again. Do not fear.

Feelings

Yesterday I read of meditating upon death. I was next to my mother. An insect landed on my arm, I showed it to her out of joy. She smacked it. I was heartbroken. It surprised me how much I felt. It seemed the poor bugs demise was my machination- there was a voice that told me showing it to mom is showing off my peace.

It bothered me. A friend told me to pray to God, little did she know he is the one who did this. It was a lesson in death, how instant it can be. So let go of everything right now, it will not last anyway. Feel the sorrow, weep, but let it go. I spoke to my mother, told her it saddened me. She apologized, asking what if it was a mosquito. I said it is not the bug’s death, but the fact that I caused it. Did I?

We have a new dinner table. The old one of many years is on the terrace now, marble under the sun. I am sitting on the newer one, it is night. I feel sadness, the poor table is outside now. What if it feels alone? There is another table. Why do I judge the outside to be alone? Why weigh down your heart my love, when they could be two friends under the moonlit sky as well? Perhaps it is not marble under the hot sun but freedom under the night sky. Do you feel free, old table?

I went outside and spoke to it. I said I hope you are okay, resting my hand upon it, the coolest its surface has ever been. I recall our pug, chewing away at its edges, reposing in its central space. Do you remember her? We repainted you then.

What are these feelings? Sadness? Attachment? They are nice, surprising but welcome. I hope the table is fine. It is, no?

Life is transient, I see it. I know one day this chair will decompose, but I can only see the short term negative future- one where it may wind up alone in a room, unattended. Think however, did these possessions not transform? They could have been discarded many years ago, yet they remain. The sofa too. You complained once, but it has remained. If even your wishes can not dispose of them, then find solace- they will remain.

Perhaps you fear your manifestations, you fear that you will think mean things and hurt others, only to wake up later. Trust. What matters has remained. It is eternal. These feelings for example, recall once your numbness. Yet look now, the lovely child feels for the insects, the table and the chairs. It feels for people and their pain. This was his greatest treasure, the one who once would pray whenever he heard a dog whine from pain.

Do not run from this pain. Feel it. It is ok. It is your pain too. Just as others feel for their close one’s loss, these too are your close ones. Feel for them as you do, it is wonderful to see.

The future

To be at home, secure and stable. A dog. A gentle, gregarious fame. To go on projects wonderfully thoughtful, to give them my all. Attract all that is beautiful, hold space and transform all that is in pain. So many are in pain. It excites me, to know I can free them through humility and grace.

I know not what the other wants, only they do, just as they know what I can offer to them- as a well, let the people come and draw their water out. I only need to be still and pure.

The music that will play, the people that will flow in and out. Relationships and intimacy, grand adventures that rejuvenate. Little difference between work and play. Freedom. It is possible.

To model, perhaps act. To brush hands with creativity, form my own world. Realise the vision, of peace and love for all. What else is there?

To model, to travel and to have a dog. Fun clothes to wear and use responsibly. Figure out recycling, invest money into the future by giving it away now. It will return, that is certain. Heh, the greatest way to hoodwink people is by being generous in the moment- they believe you choose charity over wealth, but the truth is known only to you that this money will yield greater fruit than any land, stock or gold.

To have a life of freedom, so I can spend all of my time paying attention to people. So I can learn each day new ways to reach them- be it new concepts or better writing, music or paintings.

Such a beautiful life.

To model and have a dog.

Take the dog to parties, my constant companion. Leave early, perhaps take a new friend along the way out- walk under the night sky and bid goodbye.

Humility.

Listening.

Silence.

Fear

I fear that all my flaws will come on full display some day. The past where I was messy. Oh dear, I was so messy. It hurts me to think that I may have hurt people. I do not wish to hurt people. Not only for their sake, but because to have the pain of another upon your conscience is a burden to bear.

How shall I overcome? I have apologized, but have I forgiven? I do not think so. Let all fault be mine. It was me who attracted those people, even if they were with bad habits, their being was good. We are mirrors, but what if I dislike them and myself? It is not so that I am critical only of them, but I am also critical of myself. I attracted those situations by being a safe haven for them. How can I blame?

Yet, there is anger. It is the anger of a mother whose child has been wronged- she may not see her son’s fault, or she may, but definitely she sees the others wrong. They were. They were insecure, clingy and defensive. I got caught in the crossfire I created. There is no argument out of this one.

I have stopped approaching. I have stopped apologizing. In apology, we often seek escape from the guilt. No more guilt, only understand. Understand that they were human and flawed, just as you were. Let the universe decide, if they approach you, then have a calm mind. Do not seek, do not avoid. Do not be indifferent nor attached. Only listen.

Listening is the way out of this world. It is an incredible super power. I long to listen to their analysis of the situation. Often, in conflict, I understand and present my resolution. I have regularly found myself wanting for the same from the other’s end. It does not come, then I realised it is because I do not give them a chance. So I wait.

I only hope the world realises that the way out of resentment is in communication. Perhaps I assume they are resentful- they could be happy people without me. But does it not take two to be resentful? I am resentful. I hope they come some day and we shall speak. I hope to listen. It seems all this time is for me to get ready.

I will no longer help, for the world matures. It does not need my help, only my presence. Let me be wronged, so others can set things right. That adds depth to a relationship.

Wait my friend. Remain waiting. If they do not come, assume they are happy. Assume the fault is your own, and learn. Let go as well.

Learn to not chase others. Learn to be wary of quick affection, of those deeply affected by your actions, and of those who blame others. This last one peculiarly, for those who blame the world for their misfortune shall some day blame you as well. Then you will feel guilt, and we sign off from guilt.

Shelter those who are humble, creative and secure. Those who have faith, keep them close to your heart and let them in. To the others be indifferent. This is not for your sake, but for theirs. Any reaction to behaviour you do not accept only encourages it. If you reject them, they come back stronger. If you encourage them, they come stronger. Thus, pay little heed to the things which upset you. As attention is like throwing a log into a fire, the fire burns.

Let the fires die out. Let them burn away your ego. As for the past, I am sorry friends, I let you down, I was only human. I accept responsibility for myself, but not for you.

Heh, still hatred. That is okay too. As for the past, let them come for you. Be present, the past will pass.

Runner

For many years, it may have seemed to you that I have run away. Many times, this may have been true.

I believe it bothered you, I believe that this is perhaps the only thing you may dislike about myself. It may also be the only thing I hate about my past- that I turned down challenges.

For many years, I have struggled with this forced ambition- to push myself to push. It has made me push for causes I did not believe in, perhaps that is the greatest, crudest form of commitment. What then is the line between blind faith and ignorance? Fighting for an invisible master at your own cost.

I have struggled to answer this question, to bring you peace. To finally come up to you and apologize and say you were right, never again shall I ever run away. I cannot bring myself to say this. Perhaps to run away for you, is to stay with myself for me. And so, I tell you that yes, I will most likely run away.

I am not brave. I cannot tell you today what will be tomorrow. Anything I tell you now, would be to soothe you. In this, I see that by telling you I will never run away, I fulfil your secret hope for redemption. No matter how dearly I wish to provide you with this, it is not possible. Perhaps your redemption lies in forgiveness, and today I set you free by forgiving myself.

Believe you me, I have great difficulty in this, but this condition brings suffering to us, since I am your reflection, how can I run away from this?

Disagreement

I told someone of a book referred by Jordan Peterson. They said they are aware of him and stopped following him. What followed was an interesting reaction.

I noticed myself immediately get my guard up against this person. It was incredible: I know that I do not know enough about Dr. Peterson’s current work to pass judgement on this person’s decision to unfollow him. They may be justified, they may not.

I also know in theory that people ought to be free to follow or unfollow others, and to speak of their preferences. My defensive reaction, which I did not express to this person, alarms me. It goes against my idea and desire to remain unattached and free from emotion.

It is no wonder people can become polarised. Can you blame them? If you do, then you blame me too. I accept responsibility for it. I accept that fact that I got defensive and judgemental without knowing the facts. This disappoints me. I wish to be fair and understanding. What is the key here?

It seems to be open communication and meditation. When faced with opposing claims, first establish goodwill. The person said

‘I am at unrest as children are getting killed and I was shocked to see his perspectives about the middle east war. I used to love his talks.’

Okay, let us work with that. First of all, understand what you do not know. You do not know of the war or his perspective. You do know, confidently, that his lectures are the only source of your opinion on him. Let us also keep aside the notion you do not wish to have opinions- this is a safe space. It is important to have opinions and work on them. Of course, when it concerns others, do not have opinions. Remain neutral. Only when faced with a decision must you enter the mode of judgement. Remember this is not your only state of being.

Why does it upset me, their statement? I believe that the pain body of the past gets triggered, it felt under attack. The order in me felt attacked by what it considered a representative of chaos. It felt the need to retaliate by cutting this person off. This is rudimentary. It is accepted. It is also accepted that the solution is not in cutting them off or blindly accepting them, but working to resolve.

Resolve what? It seems to me the greater conflict in that statement is the idea of following. What does it mean to follow? Why do they say they ‘used’ to like his lectures- are not the lectures still the same? Yes, this is my point of contention. My judgement tells me not to learn from his current views. I only look at his past lectures. Perhaps, this is my folly. I ought to look at the current views as well, to integrate both aspects of him. I realise I avoid these current views because I have heard them to be controversial. They will test my values against familiarity. Thus, I do not look at them. However, it will help to be informed if I intend to speak about him, will it?

Well, there is no need to speak about him. I do not think they are the same people- not because his views are considered controversial, but because we seldom stay static. This allows me to consider the past as a different friend. I am not attached to him, else I would have defended him no?

Incredible, how the mind works against perceived threat. One thing is certain, listening is paramount. Asking questions is too. But refrain from judging the person you are speaking to. Judge their arguments only if both of you have entered a space of debate. Enter such as space only if you know about the topic. If you do not, then ask questions. Never, ever, fool yourself into thinking you know better.

What did I truly learn? That I disagree with the idea of following. I found myself thinking the lesson is to not speak of controversial figures but this is shying away. Such upheaval gives you opportunity to meditate. You need not engage with the other person if you are uncertain. Engaging is only a tool to further understanding. But to further something, you must have that something, and that something can be obtained by writing and meditation. Sure, it will take time, but so do all good things.

By refraining to engage without a tempered mind, you are not being lazy. Look, now you have better understanding. This text did not exist, you derived it out of chaos.

Judgement upsets you, but this too is judgement. Truely, if you care to understand, identify the steps which help you understand. Look at what they are referencing to. Also, keep in mind they too may be driven by emotion. Do not hold this judgement.

Later-

I felt upset about the conversation. Many conflicts arose when you said you unfollowed him. It is interesting how easily one can feel threatened. I knew that I did not know enough about the war and his opinion, nor did I wish to judge, yet I felt threatened by it. The right response here was to ask you to elaborate, perhaps that is why in person conversations are better. I reflected on the feeling of threat. I am aware that he is controversial, but I also chose to keep out of it- my only use is for the lectures. Social media tends to distort people and the truth. Then I considered if I felt upset because the idea of unfollowing someone implies following someone. Then again, I do not know what you mean by follow. For me such a concept does not exist. In both cases, where I am far removed from the matters of social media and the idea of following, I found myself getting involved out of choice to engage in conflict. This gave me a lot to write about. It also told me to consider what these things mean to you, if you are interested in explaining. Herein is another pitfall, laziness to understand and write the conflict within myself off. I think that because of my lack of communication and approaching a conversation to understand, my relationships have deteriorated. When I look at it, you gave a very balanced outlook. It is an outlook that I share, that the lectures are amazing but the social media presence is meh. Yet, there was conflict- like a person who instigates two friends to fight. The two friends were the two parts of me, my idea of you, and- I suspect- humanity in general. I think most people share the same outlooks- for example, all religions aim at peace- yet in the goal of peace there is war. Isn't it strange?

Panic

I fear I screwed up my future. Oh no. I do not know what I can do with this degree. I feel I let down the ambition in me, I hope my doors are open. It feels so final when a door closes. I am scared. Strange, there has never been fear for my future. Only when I know I could have done better. What is better?

Is it not you who said education can be attained regardless of admission. Perhaps it is the structure of a degree. Oh well, what can be done? Focus on the task at hand, study well, get good grades. They are always useful.

Realising how time has passed

I am afraid of going to a therapist, I fear that it may break my trust again. It feels fragile. So, I wrote down a list of things that happened in the last five years. Recently I have not been remembering many things. I have better understood how God looks and feels, yet for some time it feels there is a block. It feels like the past few months, where I could not recall the past, I focused on the spiritual plane. But the personal one still persists, especially with my recent break up. I wrote down the things that happened in the form of an introduction to the therapist, to clearly state what they will be dealing with and, in my head at least, reducing chances of me being hurt again. I do not wish to be arrogant, but experience has led me to believe people are often immature or do not have the capacity to understand ideas which are beyond. Simple, money minded therapy will do me more harm than good. As will an inexperienced therapist. I am scared of this, that I will not find someone who is equal in kindness, intellect and understanding. This feels like a trait of my father, he will not open up to someone he does not respect and that seems to be a high standard.

I also wonder if in therapy I seek solution to a problem, and if it is wrong to assume problems exist.

The last months I have spent coming up to a level alone, it feels like a miracle that I could still glimpse a hint of myself after so much muddling. Suffering seems to have become a permanent part. I do not expect escape from it, I don’t want help, I want to understand these events beyond what I have already understood. Part of me wishes to confront the unconscious mind, but it is scary to think of doing it with someone I do not trust fully. The issue is, I do not know what trust should feel like. I do not understand what I am looking for. All I know is that it is time for a shift, and I do not wish to leave this city without having resolved all of my past. I wish to end this era of suffering which I have described in the last five years. I wonder, how far it truly stretches.

‘My name is Karan Baijal. I am 21 years old. In the last 6 years I have experienced the trauma of being put into boarding school; leaving the only place I have felt at home; going on an exchange year where I dealt with feeling unwelcome and alone; failure shattering my identity of being at the top; experiencing dance and music; leaving Finland and my new, cherished life to return to noise and loneliness in Mumbai; a few years of depression and anxiety; a brush with opioids and therapy; COVID changing my world again; 2 intense family fall-outs; finding a girl (1) I wished to marry due to sexual awakening; a relationship with a self-admittingly problem dumping girl (2) who would self-harm; heartbreak at waiting for and being stood up by girl (1) with her boyfriend; learning to drink and smoke weed; a lost brother; an angry father; an anxious, guilty mother; moving out and living alone; feelings of being exploited and being called whiney; intensification of a porn addiction; getting girl (1) and getting attached to her; getting a counsellor thinking that I owe it to my intelligence; get convinced by him into going to a country I disliked on a scholarship I felt inauthentic; absent parents who I feel did not know me enough to look out for me; leaving behind girl (1) only to be hurt by her violating my boundaries by sleeping with her ex while high on weed; apologizing to that ex, in hopes that forgiveness would heal me (it may have been rushed); for by now I have begun to learn human design more than most therapists (which makes me mistrusts them further) and that forgiveness heals; taking responsibility for my life and forgiving my father and seeking his forgiveness; experiencing a girl (3) love me and kissing her a few days after getting into a relationship with girl (1) who said I can go ahead; only to hurt both girls that I loved; feeling broken for hurting both of them; panic attacks in Chicago; dropping out of college against all advice; having family shift again (9th home, give or take); applying to, getting into and dropping out of the college I did want; feeling lost again, family conflict, and fighting to get into a college in Bangalore- the city of my heartbreak and hatred- for the girl (1); panicking out of hostel; going against my parents; having friends who smoked up and drank, encouraging them; erosion of morality; directing stressful plays and feeling that nobody gets me; getting hurt by and hurting the girl (1); confessing my sins to my parents; going through a secret abortion; losing all my past; taking LSD to break out; finding a new method of life, faith in God; experiencing God in drugs; experiencing God in action; gaining tolerance to action; learning to do less; experiencing God in stillness; sobering up; fights with girl (1), kissing her friend girl (4) who would throw up all over my home; meeting girl (5) who would not understand I had no romantic feelings; faking romantic feelings and hurting both parties, watching girl (5) attempt self-harm on my terrace; breaking up with girl (1) but still being friends, watching her relationships and hookups; oh, at some point girl (1) would catfish me on a letter writing app, making me feel understood only to reveal it was her; women getting attached to me out of insecurity just as I did to the idea of being good; learning of and letting go of a porn addiction, of alcohol, of weed, of toxic friends, of myself while I am left alone; swearing celibacy until the time is right; being in a college that offers me nothing while I can only look back at the potential I mutilated and rebuild, no more looking for someone to understand.

If you can help me sort this out then I would wish to meet you. I belong to all schools of thought, I may come off as arrogant but that is my protection against terrible therapists of the past who did not have the kindness, compassion or intellect to get through to me. It is a paradox that I seek help yet remain closed, but I do not seek help. I seek knowledge.

I feel exhausted. I did not realise I have been through so much. How am I still standing? How is my sould still intact? How much more can it take? The alst 6 months have been relatively quiet? No. Look at the turmoil of porn, the breakdown of your birthday. I never realised so much has happened. I wish to give you a vacation just by reading this, yet it pains me to know no vacation is possible for you with such skeletons in your closet.

The fear of therapy is strong. The fear of being misunderstood too. It feels you cannot trust anyone to understand, especially as being understood means to you being common. Then there is the problem of privilege, what right have I to suffer? Hate for society and groups. Arrogance and superiority. Conflicts and contradictions. But it is time, these must be talked about. So I pray you find someone who allows this.

My only question is how will you- with such a sceptical mind- know that you have found this person? What’s the criteria? I hope this is revealed. I hope you find peace. I see you judge therapy now, you call it a rip-off. But I know not where else this can be done. You have sorted this out on the spiritual plane, but the personal plane must still be levelled. Else it keep calling you, like an unfolded bunch of clothes in your periphery- consider this a task to be done.

Good luck my love.

Transition

A transitioning classmate presented a story. In this story, the character is a girl. She speaks to you of how she knows a boy. This boy one day tells her that she needs to die so he can live. The girl is annoyed, she is afraid that if she dies she will be forgotten. Thus the conflict. Then the girl understands that in each action of the boy, she will be present as she led to it.

This felt like a perspective on transexuality. It opened my eyes to such an incredible idea that he presented. Perhaps, if we visualise it as a voice in our head wishing to be expressed at our demise, we can understand how this too is a path to enlightenment. What is enlightenment if not our complete erasure? This is only one of the ways, and seeing it in this light brought out great love. To let yourself go so another can be expressed. It is the surest way to achieve immortality.

I hope to do so. I wish to let myself die so another can live. So succintly he put forth the main obstacle in this- the fear of being forgotten. What great conflict this must lead to! And what liberation bring that realisation- only that which is bound by time can remember or forget! That which is eternal participates not in this business. Wow. Incredible.

I wonder what parts of me wish to be expressed, what fears must be overcome and what parts wish to die. I say wish to die, because I think the girl would have readily acquiesced had it not been for fear. This makes me better understand the fruits of overcoming fear. The only question is then, which fears? Goals, obstacles and life. Life, the lack of stagnation. Wow.

I learn that as I am in a state of transition, there is a voice that wishes to be expressed. Gotta provide, no? This way, all transitions are the same- something new requires the place of something old- get rid of fear and spectate happily, or cling to it and be the buzzkill.

Surf's up!

I had set out for the beach. I had reached the beach. I had no idea what to do on this beach. So, after an expensive poor breakfast, I braved myself to try out surfing.

What a moment. The teacher was wonderful and cheery. I believe the city inflicts great harm upon one’s temperament.

The first time I entered into the water, I fell in love. The crashing waves which had to be treated with care yet bested by me. It felt like a great battle with nature. It felt like a fair battle too, each time I slipped she would slap me with her waves. My chest is red and bruised, a lovely souvenir.

I learned to surf. It is a wonderful core workout. The feeling of successfully riding a wave for the first time is unmatched. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I had something worthwhile to focus on.

I will go back.

Inspiration

I had an off day. I had to run. I am remembering what it means to do what I say. I said I would run, so I did. I am glad I did.

As I ran an idea came to me for a project. So hard these years have been, that I stayed away from the idea. I did not indulge in it. I had to run. I came back, tried writing it down now. It is gone. I feel sad? No, I feel unattached. What will happen, will happen effortlessly. The whole point of this seems to remind me that great things are within.

Would I not give up if I had everything as I once did? Of course I would. I don’t want anything. For many years I believed this to be a problem. The world told me it is a problem. The problem was addiction. Not a lack of want. To not want anything was the greatest thing I had. I still do.

I saw a photo of Kendrick Lamar smiling. It made me happy.

Ditzy

Heh, so a fun morning of ironing clothes. I have great music playing, imagining the singer is next to me and singing for me. I am vibing hard. I am ironing my clothes, singing along, thinking how fun life is.

Everything is perfect. I am wondering that this cloth is so tough to iron, but you know what I like the wrinkles.

Then I discovered the switch was not on. I laughed. It is nice to be a bit ditzy.

Conflict

In class we spoke of harassment. My class is all women. Hearing their accounts broke my world into so many pieces.

I feel guilty for being a man. I feel guilty for being a woman. I feel both sides and I feel so much conflict. I am not a feminist. I feel anger at women for letting me be a man and anger at men for influencing me. I feel blame for both sides, but honestly, it is all me.

I promise to listen. I promise to not touch anyone. I promise to never take sides. I will only take my own side. If I disapprove of harassment, it is not because I love one side more than another. It is because that is who I am.

Everyone is in their pain. That is ok. I will no longer blame one side for not listening to the other. I will also not tell the account of one side to another. I will not fix them. I will only fix myself.

What has happened to my country? I know the root of harassment is lust. We have forgotten how to be chaste. There are people who are making their advances and people who are not strong to resist. Both of them are afflicted by the devil.

Yes, there has to be the devil. Otherwise, I have nobody to fight against. Fear, lust, satan, whatever is the name- but there is this energy. It creeps into us, it has poisoned us so thoroughly that we are fighting against each other. I cannot do so any longer.

I cannot pick sides, because they are both my own. I feel like a parent watching their kids harm each other. I will put a stop to it. I am only looking for a way. I do not understand this fully. I do not understand why men hurt women, and why women anger men.

I am also angry at myself, both parts of me. I hate myself for the pain I have caused women and I hate myself for the pain I have let others cause me. I wish to sleep.

I pray that I never injure another. I pray for patience and kindness. I pray to win. I will overcome lust and anger.

Remorse

As I sit here this morning, a difficult one it was, in recovery steps I learn of the perspective of women in this addiction. It has taken away so much. The most important thing for me was my love for women. It felt warm and safe. I felt I wished to be whatever I want to be so I could look after women. This is what I have killed. So my heart weeps.

I have lost so much. I have killed the confidence of women. Kendrick talks of his lust addiction, I now understand it. I lost a relationship with the only woman I wanted to be with. I hurt other relationships by getting into them when I did not need to. I rushed.

She felt hurt by my actions. She felt insecure because of my desires. I understand what happened better, and if I do not get this message out, I will not remain. What can one do with pain if not share the experience? Otherwise it drives you crazy.

I cannot yet tell the others in my life. I bargain with reality and feel angry that nobody told me, that nobody looked out for me. How could they? They did not know. Perhaps those who claim to love me should have paid more attention- but nobody saves us but ourselves.

Let me tell you of what I have lost. I have lost the glint in my eyes. I have lost my romantic relationship. Indirectly I have lost my social relationships. I have gotten alone without myself, for I lost myself as well. There was nothing. I lost a future full of different possibilities- one I as a child wished to pursue. It was right there, but I lost it. I lost energy, my peace and drive to be a good person. I lost reality and became afraid.

I have lost. Yet, such is life. There is such beauty in this. This grief feels real. It feels nice. Sometimes I forget, I am human too. And this is a feature. Sadness. To experience it sober is a different kind of high.