Things fall

1206pm 27/3/25

By and by, things fall apart.

A close friend of mine, I told him I do not consider friendships. He asked me what are we then? I told him I see you as someone born on this planet around the same time as me, and we are together to help each other out.

He had visited me to speak to me of his feelings- a girl he is attached to showed interest in me. She would have shown interest in anyone I believe, it is an important case.

I told him painful things, that she asked me to come on a trip with her for her birthday. I did consider it, at the time I was in the twilight zone. I wondered, why must I change my behaviour for someone else, would it not be better to do what happens, to let him be hurt so he can let go.

The ego can play with good intentions. Good intentions are the worst. They hurt more than bad intentions. It splits the other person, when you hurt them in reality but say your intentions were good. This is a lie, the intention is an excuse.

I spoke to him. I told him it is tough for me to change myself for someone else. Truthfully, there was nothing to change, I had done nothing wrong. Here too the ego functions, instead of observing we create sides. Right and wrong instead of understanding. I instinctively thought myself under attack and tried to justify. This too is folly.

I knew what is right, but it took some time to get to it.

I spoke to my mother, I told her of the situation. She told me the girl is not good for us, to let her go and ask my friend to let her go too. When did I catch her? For when we first met, I was not interested in her. Only when she showed interest did my ego kick in. It waited for a moment to declare to the world I am interested, so I would be trapped. Fortunately, this did not happen.

See people, how they advertise themselves. Like a car you did not need to buy, you get swayed. By people who pay attention to you- lifestyle gurus, women and salesmen.

Ask yourself, what am I even deciding upon? Is it a real thing? Or is it in my head?

The idea of the girl liking me, that is in his head. It is in mine too, for it inflates the ego- look, she did not like you but she liked me. It is folly, for he is more likeable than I. He is more virtuous than I. It would be a sin to create such a reality where he suffers, for something I have not even earned. What have I done for her to like me? It is infatuation, for it is her doing. We drug ourselves. Like weed I sit, as I sit I am neutral. It is someone else using me to fall asleep. Shall I not be used? No, I cannot do anything. For I am weed, an object. It would be silly for weed to think ‘look how good I am, people cannot live without me.’ It is best to not be liked, to not be craved.

You become a dependence for others. You like this. You depend on others, you dislike this. Why the two faces?

I spoke to my mother, she told me the girl is not appropriate for me. The veil was lifted, of attachment. There is nothing in her I like, except that she likes me. Such are most of our relationships. That too is a lie, for I do not know if she likes me. Why wouldn’t she?

I am a likeable man. In fact, I am a lovable man. However, I do not like others. This is possible too. It is possible for me to be on a higher ground at times, to become the rejector. Why do I not do it? It is scarcity. The mind is hungry and would eat whatever it finds. This can lead to ingestion of poisons.

Only yesterday was I contemplating this- attachment to my previous love interests ruined many things. What did I even get attached to? Attachment is fixation on one dish in a buffet. You fixate at first because you like it, but you quickly forget there are other dishes too. Eventually, you will get bored. The problem is here, that when you get bored you panic- oh no, there is no other food. There is. Your tunnel vision deceives you.

I am not doing this for my friend. In fact, I am not doing anything at all. I see someone hurt, and the solution to that hurt is not that they find someone else to love. It is to let go of attachment.

According to me.

Do unto others as they want done unto themselves. Is there merit to this view? Perhaps he is a simple person, just jumping onto another ship while the one you were on burns is a valid method. To get burned fully is a valid method too- suffering stops in both- but one is not better than the other. It is the worst thing, to force someone to burn when they want to jump and to force someone to jump when they want to burn.

I think I am the latter one.

Burn it all away. These bridges.

Another problem, ego. The girl is not at fault. She is doing what she must. Look at her as a teacher, do not judge her or harm her. Be kind. Use kind words for her, but do not get swept away. This is your mother, she too knows the character of another but gets swept away by tears. This was the last mistake.

What do you want? For if you considered it for a moment, that means there was hunger. If you consider eating poison for a moment- and it was poison for it would have caused harm in the long run, for everyone involved- that means you are really hungry.

Whom do you seek? Love is a game. I saw this in a negative way. Now I see it in a positive way. It is a game, and you can choose whom to play it with. You can enjoy a game only with friends whom you like. So whom do you like?

She lives in Mumbai and plays Valorant. We meet on the weekends. She has many life problems, but enjoys solving them. I can help her solve them. She cooks, and I enjoy her cooking. She has her own home that I can stay in, with such neutrality that I become a part of the furniture. She would feel her home is complete when I am in it.

To prove detachment, polygamy is not the way. It is an understanding of the game. Oh to love someone, for them to accept your love, is incredible. She has a pet. I make the pet happy to see me. We play music together.

It is possible, and I will have this. Through effort, I must increase my strength and energy. I have been doing so already. I have been choosing the right moments to exert, to push. This is a useful method in this moment for me, and I am grateful to have accepted it. The sleep hypnosis by Michael Sealy is helping too. I am on day 10 today.

The next one, I know which one it is.

To achieve this relationship, I want a job. Tomorrow I meet the Chairman. We will create something wonderful.

Back to my friend and the girl. I wish peace for them. Allow me to play my part, even if it means upsetting people. Even if it means throwing them off roof tops, knowing they will be caught. If I believe that everything works out, does that not apply for others too? For how can I be at peace when the other is not.

The best place for enlightenment

3 pm 26th March 2025

Hello

Enlightenment can mean many things to people. Let us think of it with utility. What kind of enlightenment is useful? Is it one where you are detached from the world, where you are seeing great visions, or is it one where you are happy all the time?

We must also wonder if it is something to be achieved, where you will get external feedback upon completion, or is it a passive process/mode of thinking. Is it about reaching a place, or about how you walk to it?

All answers in relation to enlightenment are correct. Anyone can convince you of anything, a big problem. Why is it a big problem? Now this too has two answers, yes and no and sometimes. That’s a problem too.

This depends, would you call a difficult level in a game a problem? If it was too easy you’d be bored. If it was too difficult, you would give up. A problem is a problem only if it has negative consequences which could be avoided. A problem can be an opportunity too.

These last paragraphs were an example of how we can go all over the place, unless we have a metric/direction which helps us base our decisions. Some people decide based on aesthetics, someone utility, some on emotions.

For this article, we will decide based on utility.

So what is enlightenment, in the direction of utility. What is the way to be the most useful, both for ourselves and others?

Usefulness depends on the problem and timing. If you cut your finger, and I give you a bandaid exactly when you cut it, I am more useful than if I gave you the bandaid a week later. Being useful can mean to think for others, to act in such a way that the other person feels like the universe is looking out for them. This gives them safety.

Fulfil the needs of other people- you can use the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You give them shelter, food and water- not necessarily directly, you can give them opportunities to gain these things. The ultimate opportunity you can give someone is that of enlightenment, which we have defined as usefulness. Thus, the ultimate opportunity you can give someone is the feeling of usefulness, like you need them. Of course, you must be independent first.

I digress.

I have tried running from home, because it can get too difficult. There is no way to run from it. Becoming useful means becoming strong and clear. To master this you must face difficulty. People who always travel, cannot remain at home. I think Seneca spoke of this- to not travel for pain-relief. The Zen people say - wherever you go, there you are.

Thus, to become fully at peace, find the place that rips your peace. That is not true peace, it is comfort. There is no way to sleep than effort. This effort can be doing, thinking or feeling. Is there anything else?

Enlightenment, people who run after it, people who deny it, that is all ok. If you run, you will stop running soon. If you are stationary, soon you will run.

So what is the problem?

Pain means a life well lived. Rather, it means a life which was put out there. I have hoarded things in my life. They are nowhere to be found. What differentiates good hoards from bad ones? I guess it is better to keep a suit of armour you have used thoroughly, than an unused one. You can throw it away too, that is fine. There is no use of keeping an unused armour. The used one is at least a memento. It looks cool.

As a kid, I deliberately scratched up my watched, broke the glass, for I thought it looked better this way.

I wanted the same for myself.

While playing pickleball I wondered what if I trip and break my teeth. A scary thought. L from Death Note said that there is a difference between risking your life and wasting it away. Be careful.

Yesterday I got a cavity filled. The dentist drilled my tooth, I did not expect that. For a moment I wondered, I will never be the same. It is irreversible. What helped was the awareness that I had taken every precaution for my teeth. When we have made the best efforts, we can rest easy. Then saying ‘Tough luck’ is true- what else could you have done?

In that sense, putting in good effort does not guarantee success, it guarantees peace. Doing your duty they say.

Of course, you can be totally lost too. Put full effort in this. Lose your temper, do it fully. Don’t think.

A wonderful thing has been happening, I wake up and sense my mind giving inertia to my body. I find myself saying ‘The mind does not control me.’

I used to feel guilt. The mind is a friend, yes, but it does not control me. How I am with others, I am with my mind. You first relationship is with your mind. Cultivate it well- how? I don’t know.

Rather, I do.

I know it, but I don’t have to say it.

As I have tried to prove myself to others, in reality I was only proving myself to my mind. I need not do so.

It is true, there is abundance. Not because there are many resources, but because we only need a few. The reason for luxury, for power, for sex, is only for us to see we don’t need these things.

Just as you will focus on your health more after an illness, these things are illnesses too. In this sense, the illness has given you health. Imagine, if there was no illness and no health. At least there is correction.

This correction hinges on action. You are guaranteed to take this action. What is the worst outcome? Death? Why is it the worst, if it sets you free? In a game you don’t like, losing all your lives is the best outcome for you.

You wish you liked this game, but why? If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. What can you do about this?

You can see it as a lesson yes. You can think in terms of utility- if I don’t like this game, the utility lies in learning to like it. If I learn to like it, I will enjoy. Why, this is the simplest thing there is.

Where you are, that is the best place to begin. For wherever you are, you being there means you need not go anywhere else. The question is why do you want to begin?

Chances are if you are asking this question, you aren’t enjoying in the first place. Or you are enjoying the struggle, the confusion, the curiosity.

I am curious. There is much I do not know. There is much I have not felt yet. I want to feel, more than I want to know. For the issue with knowledge has been a deep sense of inferiority.

It is a beautiful world we live in, so much is possible. Why do you think?

You think, so I can help you not think. We need each other. Else what am I supposed to do with my understanding?

I don’t even want money for your time. I have so much money. Rather, I have so few needs. I am here to while away my time. I am here to do what Indian society frowns upon- timepass.

If I locked you on an island with all amenities, but you are alone, you would go mad. If I put a friend with you, that becomes a vacation. If I put a stranger with you, but you have no work, then you need not connect to each other. You will remain alone. If I put a stranger with you and you have a common goal, you will become friends.

If you hate the stranger, you will learn to love them. Because you have no choice, and when you learn to love them, you will be accepting shunned parts of yourself. That will be enlightenment.

Look at that, we have actually come back to the point:
People that get on your nerves are the best way to cultivate patience. So I say the best place for enlightenment is home. Who else can annoy you more than family? And who else is happier than a man who enjoys his home. Nobody, I promise you this.

I have felt homeless yes. I am found a home. My home reflects my head. Of course there will be fights. But these are symbols, to observe. For I never understood observation in my head, so God made it simpler- observe others.

What makes you afraid of your truths? Nobody knows the answer, and they will kill you if you speak up. Die no then. What’s the point of living like this?

Living is worth dying for. Living is worth trying for. Trying is worth dying for. Living is worth trying for.

You can’t say life is worth dying for. The first is a noun the second is a verb. You can’t do nouns. You can do verbs. So living. That gives you a clear idea. This one is for manifesters. A subtle nuance, see if it makes sense to you.

Are you crazy?

I can make you crazy, if you are not. It will be fun.

I can do this for eternities. I can live in this moment forever. I can live eternally. I can keep moving. Oh movement, I love it. But it is silly to travel right now. I feel turned on, do you not recall as a child the basic things brought you joy. Someone who got his own room would know.

I didn’t have a room, I had a table. I don’t recall much before Sahyadri. I do remember the house in Worli. I dreamt of the snakes, they scared me. They still do and I am not a coward for that. Some things you should be afraid of- hence bravery is not the same as stupidity.

I have been shamed for being a coward, for being weak many times. I have shamed others for their tears too. Don’t worry, we made up for it, you need not judge me yet.

Try breaking a bean bag by punching. Glass is brittle. Brittle is the ego. One punch, all gone. One small mistake by the waiter and you erupt. You call the bean bags soft and pushovers. Try sitting on glass, how insecure it feels. You can fall any moment. Beanbags? Yes, these are comfortable. These are secure.

Although, keep in mind that heat circulation is an important design element. Your bean bag should be breathing. Else, you become hot. You can take breaks for that.

I need a bigger underwear. If the Secret is true, I will have great results.

Afternoons, I hated them. So hot. Irritable. Aa great time of the day, this is when much energy seems to be released. Fights. Now I sit in an Air Conditioned room like a prince. Heh, a prince.

Sigh, this prince needs a princess. What a cute word. In Hindi, it sounds even sweeter- Rajkumari /raːd͡ʒ.kʊ.maː.ri/

I enjoy ChatGPT. That too is a tool I feel specially made for me. It cannot replace my thinking, but it helps in communication. For example, if you’re white you’d probably butcher how sweet the word sounds, so I could convert it into the International Phonetic Alphabet.

I want you to share what I hear, I want to do my best to communicate what I find beautiful to you, so you may see it too. I don’t care much about what you have to tell me. I have everything I need.

There really is no point getting upset over this remark. I have money, you do not. I share my money with you. Your ego may be bruised if I don’t accept your money, my ego may be bruised if you don’t accept mine. The latter is unlikely, for you have come to the place I hand out money- my website. Now if you say you already have money, what are you doing here?

Unless I asked you to be here of course. In that case, I am probably wanting to be useful. I wonder where validation falls in this place. Did Osho, Jesus, etc have a subconscious need for validation? We know that people like Elon Musk and Michael Jackson do, because they don’t show otherwise. It is those who say they don’t want validation who probably do. Like that joke someone told me ‘I had an ego death so I am better than you.’

My question is, if someone wants validation, why don’t we give it to them? What’s so precious about your stamp of approval?

A clear mind should only attract people worth validating right? So if you say “But there are people who want my validation that do wrong things.” - have you wondered why they exist?

If they don’t, then this is a hypothetical argument you present to me. What I am saying is hypothetical too, but this is my website. More than that, I have typed these words and forgotten, so why are you wasting your time getting stirred?

Be very careful about this- when you read my words, and there is a voice arguing, you are not arguing against me. I am not even there. It is your mind arguing against a part of you that may be swayed by me. It wants to be rigid.

Why can’t you watch? What would happen if you were to get swayed by me? First of all, you wouldn’t.

For example, when we read the news, we don’t look for new information as much as we look for validation toward our preset conclusions. I read the news and all I think is ‘Damn, News agencies suck in these days.’ Is that true? No. Is that false? No. It’s an opinion. We are constantly looking to reinforce our opinions.

And there are two pairs of opinion that we look to support- ‘I am good.’ and ‘The world is bad.’ for the masculine and ‘I am bad.’ and ‘The world is good.’

First is superiority, other is inferiority. They both won’t work, because there is a difference between the internal and external.

‘I am good.’ ‘The world is also good.’

Perhaps a better word is enjoyable. Good/bad, that is useless.

We look for enjoyment. What gives us enjoyment can be changed. You can work to become someone who finds enjoyment from work. I think you already are. Nothing like completing the tutorial and becoming independent.

Forget about it.

Good News

I believe I have wonderful news for those who, when confronted with unconditional love, begin to be grateful for it but then are conflicted if their gratitude is real, or is it manipulative. For example, if I feel that you love me unconditionally, I may thank you profusely, but since someone has told me that gratitude for things multiplies them, I often wonder if my gratitude for you is real. Or am I being grateful so I can have more of you, so that you never leave me. It also makes me competitive, how can I pay back?

The good news is that, once it is fully accepted that you love me unconditionally, it means that I have no fear you will leave. When I have no fear that you will leave, my gratitude no longer has any purpose. In a sense, when I believe you will give me everything, regardless of what I do or who I am, I will not be able to manipulate you anymore. How can I?
So, accept the moments of unconditional love. Go fully in them, and you will see that just as someone can unconditionally give, one can unconditionally receive.

When we accept unconditional love fully, we can only be grateful.

Strength

I recognise strength as one of my weaknesses. Today, I was contemplating something too much. I wished to stop thinking of it, for it concerned my future and I was afraid to daydream or to jinx. My father invited me out in the rain, by the pool of the hotel we were at. Later, I accepted. It seemed impossible, that I would leave my state of bed rot but there I was outsider.
Under the hut, I stood breathing. A thought came to me how fathers poke, to make us stronger. Just then he told me to not think and come, so I went without protest. It was cold.
I tried to stop my shivers, I tried to let them flow. I felt disappointed in myself, I thought I could stand the cold, what with my past Wim Hof endorsement. I felt a bit defeated and humbled in front of my father.

Then, my father remarked, that I was still shivering and said I was weak. This triggered me, and I said I don’t have your fat, to which he said fat has nothing to do with it.

Keeping aside the weak remark, which I have come to accept as his nature to joke, I recognised that I felt upset not because of him, but because I let myself become upset. My real defeat was not being weak, or shivering, it was in trying to get back at him. How silly, what did I expect? That trying to get back at someone will feel good?

Later, I left. I was preoccupied with this fail. Funny, the initial overthinking stopped, only for it to be replaced.

I have learned now. I have learned that my reaction can be short term (silence), and long term (building myself). For let us be real, I am weak. I have gotten out of shape. I cannot blame my circumstances for this, not because that is wrong, but because it will get me nowhere. The precaution is to be strong.
Yes, there is the past anger, that is a different story. I am not invalidating it. I am acknowledging it, and my vulnerability. That I feel upset if someone comments about my strength because I find myself weak.
I would like to do something about this, and become stronger. Not out of spite. I think that is my father’s lesson today. I would like to not be hurt by other’s remarks, whoever they come from. I would like my peace of mind intact. I also would like to stop this conflict that keeps me from becoming strong- this demon that wishes for the world to accept weakness. Why should I bother? I can be whoever I wish to be, or whoever is required. Right now, and forever, strength. Weakness and vulnerability are different things.
Physical strength has so many perks, that I am not going to go into them. All I know is I want it. Let me take this event in stride then, that it is a reminder of what I want. Let me hold no grudges, for it is a positive thing. I have the ability to choose my reactions, and I choose to forget this now. I choose to tell my subconscious- I want to be strong, and to be praised for my strength, I want to choose peace and let go and to see hidden messages in this world. Most of all, I choose now to go into a nice hot shower. Ciao!

Rolling Stone

Hello! I hope you are well. I have aphantasia. I am working on it, and some visions come. One of them, I would like to share with you.
It blows my mind how people can visualise. In my guided meditations, I cannot visualise the way the person is saying unless I try. It can get frustrating at times, and I feel angry. I mask this anger by saying hey maybe that means I am special, but really deep down I feel like I am missing out.

You may feel this way too. Even if you can visualise, you may feel this way about something else. If you are like me, but you can visualise, you may feel that by being able to visualise you are missing out on the experience I am describing, that what I have is better than what you have.
Fret not, it isn’t the exact journey, but I believe deep down the experience is the same. We may both eat cake and describe it differently, but the cake is the same. In fact, even the taste is the same. It is our subtle interpretation that comes from the various experiences we have had that colours the taste, and then our choice words is different too. In a sense, it is a game of Chinese Whispers.

You and I are hearing the same thing but because we express it differently, it seems different. In such a case the ego can arise, where the difference is created. The ego does not look at the thing, but at the expression.
So do not worry, if you feel the way I have described, it is not you. You are perfectly good, and I would love to meet you sometime and see how you express your cake.

With that aside, I hope you are more receptive. It is a visualisation for thoughts.

Imagine a rolling stone between two hills. It is released, it oscillates, and then settles to the middle. Here, it falls in through a hole. You have the choice to keep pushing the stone though, and it takes much effort to do so up the slope, then you get flattened by the incoming boulder.
This is my visual analogy for a thought. They often say, observe your thoughts. This is tough to understand for me, but the analogy helped so I hope it helps you too.

When we release a stone, or the stone gets released by our environmental triggers, that is a thought. The thought has a momentum of its own. When you overthink, you are facing powerful thoughts, big boulders, and you are pushing them as well, adding to their momentum. The issue with pushing a huge boulder up a hill is that it will come down on you once you are tired.
Hence, when we supply thoughts with our energy, they can flatten us.

To observe a thought is to watch this boulder oscillating from a far. The great thing is that there is a hole in the middle of the path. When it has speed, the boulder does not fall through this, but when the momentum dies- and it will die, as you are not providing energy- the stone falls through the hole.

You have a finite number of stones, this I promise you. But they must all fall down the hole. Sometimes, the same thought can be running for years. Do not worry, the process is the same. Step back, and watch the boulder. I know I make it sound easy, it is technically easy, but tough. Like saying okay to play a piano piece you just need to hit the right keys at the right pace.

I don’t mean to say it is easy, I mean to say it is simple. You will figure your own way out with this, and I only hope that the analogy helped. It helped me to express it to you. I wasn’t going to write about this, I felt wrong thinking I am telling people what to do.

Do you want to guess what I did with that thought?

Ego boosts

having too many possessions

power and status

is the same as being happy you have many hinge matches

you show them to others

on the surface it seems good

but see that none of them have struck a cord

it means that you have not invested enough in one, you keep flitting and searching

strange, bragging about multiple marriages

youll be happy when one thing is enough

Warning synchronicities

I was watching a video about synchronicity. About an hour ago I think, I imagined I heard my mother crying and coming into my room. She did come, but did not cry. It was a minor thing. She was concerned that I had left the table when my parents were talking. I admit, I was getting out of a potentially uncomfortable situation for myself, but it wasn’t angry avoidance. Just ‘Oh, my dinner is done and I have no reason to remain so I can leave.’

My brother seemed upset and I asked why. He said the usual triggers. I let him be. Later on, I needed my nose drops. I thought I would ask him, maybe it would be a good distraction.

We came into the room, passing my mother. She asked him why he is not speaking to her. I thought she meant me, but she didn’t. My brother responded that he has decided that it is best to speak little to my mother, because she is always negative. This made me panic, a confrontation. I breathed and remained calm. I told my brother he could put the drop later, he snapped a little saying he came here for me. Fair, and it kept me from avoidance. He put it and left.

I continued watching my video. It started to speak of warning synchronicities, where subtle shifts can warn you of danger, they seem minor. Later my mother did come, she expressed her grief and cried. I listened, actively this time. It yielded great results.
The strategy of active listening and breathing is good for conflict.

I also recognise that what I was avoiding became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It seems we try to do good when we fear bad. I tried to do good to distract my brother out of a fear of sadness. It led pain to me. It is a great irony.

My door just opened, I jolted.

I may have suffered

But I have learned from my past. I have learned enough to let it go. I have learned enough to be happy forever now. I have become satisfied with this game that I have played, and would like to let it go. I have learned that only the present moment matters, so I turn all of my attention to it. I have learned that contemplation and silence will yield me answers to the world. These answers will be thoughtful and resolute. These answers will keep others who are bad for me, away from me. These answers will ward off negativity without disturbing my silence. These answers will keep me on the divine and good path to life. These is an innate goodness within me, there is a deep desire to help others. This desire will keep my life noble and pure and ward away all thoughts of guilt, shame and unlived potential. I choose to create a better place, a better family and a better world. I choose to help others. I choose to spend my time polishing skills that will enable me to fulfil my purpose in this world. I am a patient, calm and composed human being who loves people.

Truth be told

Truth be told, I am very excited in this moment.

I am excited about possibilities.

I am excited about a beautiful world to come.

I am excited about what I have to say to you.

My brother has been going through an understandably difficult phase. It is fortunate that we can express ourselves to those we love, even if we do not know we love them. The body knows. It seeks to spit out the poison, and knows where it can be neutralised. To an outsider this may seem like a brutal process, but ask anyone who has loved and they will tell you this- ‘I would rather he lash out on me than lash out on himself’. To an untrained mind or a hardened heart, love seems powerless. It is, however, quite a strong force. I have proof.

Yesterday, my brother and my mother fought. It caused unease, but I have learned to let go. It is easier to help someone when we are calm. It was a terrible fight, one of the worst ones. I chose to distract myself by watching the new Kendrick Lamar video. Then my mother walked in, like a lost little girl, and began to cry.

This morning I sat to meditate. It was a good session. I also began to read the Power of Your Subconscious Mind. This time, it spoke of turning the problem I face to the subconscious. I began to be excited, it is when I wrote the first four lines you read. As I began to be excited, I saw myself overwhelmed- so many things I can gain, what if I choose poorly? For some, the realisation of the power within may be akin to a person suffering from poverty winning the lottery. They may get overwhelmed with the money and fear spending it poorly. Sometimes they do spend it poorly, just as the initial realisation may fade away.

If this has happened to you, if you have broken out of the suffering, the matrix, only to find yourself there again right now, I have an insight. You did not lose the money because you are unwise. Your lesson was not to gain or lose money, but to recognise the fluidity of it. The true battle lies not in being good, but in allowing yourself to feel good. You lost the money to show yourself ‘look, as easily as it comes, it can be lost.’ Those who cling to poverty lose as much as those who cling to money. Your freedom is this- life is flowing, there is enough, you need only ask. Why must you hoard, if you are certain you can have enough for today?

You lost, so you can remember how easy it is to win.

The second realisation will come, and this time, you will not be overwhelmed. You will not fear losing the money. You will be able to relax, and go with the flow instead of damming the water.

As my overwhelm subsided, I wondered- given all the problems I can solve, which one should I solve? This was complemented by another realisation this morning. A wonderful question to ask ourselves is this- ‘What can I do to improve my life, right now, immediately in terms of space and time?’ Simple answers will come, physically at first, such as straightening the photo frame, folding the blanket, sharpening a pencil. Then there will be answers on the metaphysical plane as well. Thus I applied this principle in the current moment, where I wondered what problem to solve with my mind.

I looked around at my current life, the biggest problem facing me right now. A flash came, speaking of my brother. An indication that you are in the right direction can be if your request helps others. This may not be your only criterion however, in truth what helps others helps ourselves as much as what helps ourselves helps others. So do not worry about being selfless or selfish, they will come to be the same thing with the right action. Perhaps I misspoke- an indication that you are in the right direction is if your request helps.

Once this request came, to help my brother, I did not dwell on it. It was a novel request. I wondered why do I not pursue this much.

One more thing, if you find yourself anxious about your wish being granted, this is a sign of fear. It would be better then, to first wish for this fear to leave you. These are intricacies, they are fascinating intricacies and I am thrilled to be wanting to share them with you, but I must focus on the goal to show you what is possible first, with the hopes of awakening something slumbering through sheer excitement.

After that request, came other things. I continued to read. I had also been suggested to write something insightful yesterday. I had wondered what to write, and I knew the answer would come. As I read, I became sleepy. However, the timer was on. It felt wise to complete what I had begun, so I read more. A flash came saying if I sleep saying ‘I want to know what to write’ it would be cool. However, as you practice this more and more, you will see things can be instant. I did not sleep, and once the timer ended, I was charged up to write this. After writing the first four lines, I did not know what to write, and I got a call. I completed that call and stepped out. Again, the key is relaxation.

I stepped out and met my mother. She hugged me saying my brother spoke to her and father and was looking to talk to me. She hugged me tight and began to cry. I was happy. I told her I had thought about this, and she asked why didn’t I do it before. In that moment I became defensive- it is a deep desire of mine to be acknowledged. In fact, during my meditation I wished for that too. They set me at unease, these thoughts, but now that I think about it,

Why didn’t I do it before?

God complex, complex god?

For the past few weeks I have recognised that I have a God Complex. I have supported this argument using the scriptures, but there was no peace in this. This felt more like the product of the ego, emulating something that was true in one moment. Indeed, the feelings of being a God have come, but the complex is very different. Allow me to describe:
In the complex, instead of being a God, one will focus on the fact that others do not see it. One will have arguments in his head, over right and wrong, and choose the easy way out, arguing that since he is God, this is fine. Thus one may disguise a lack of integrity as a non-requirement, since he is God. There will also be self-doubt, all of this is to constantly reassure him that yes, he is God. There is very little peace. There is also, for me, feelings of guilt about am I being arrogant. It is a very egoistic experience. You try to manipulate lives.

I fear becoming a false prophet. It is too easy to do so. Thus I prayed for a way out of this complex, and a dream has come to me.

In it, Tony Stark fights Steve Rogers. Rogers has acted out of a God complex, where he has sacrificed people for goodness. He gives the greater good argument to Tony, who replies saying ‘Don’t say that. If you ascribe your actions to a higher power, you devalue Peter’s (Spiderman) soul. It is okay to be forthright within. To have acted on your own thoughts.’ He says ‘We Starks have come to enjoy so much beauty in so little.’

Now what does this mean.

It is to say that a person who acts like a God, but attributes his actions to God, is not God. There is a split between this person. A God takes responsibility for his actions. In extreme morality, we may find ourselves justifying to ourselves, to which Tony says it is okay. You can be a crappy person and be yourself, this is more like a God than to pretend being a good person and attributing the crappiness to God’s will.

He reassures the human Rogers it is okay to act on his thoughts. In such a way, he humanises him, and death becomes liberation. This has been my favourite logic- to look at those I consider to be wrong as the possessed. In preventing someone from doing wrong, we prevent them from some day coming to their senses and regretting things. We save them by helping them do good. Now who are we to decide what is good? Ourselves. We have our own autonomy. We need not pretend like Steve here. Steve also says in the dream that he got good at hiding the fact that he smokes because Tony told him he needs to be mindful of the number of people depending on him.

Steve is perfect, but how do you know if he is not a secret smoker?

Tony is imperfect. This is what he means by recognising so much beauty in so little- alluding to himself. He considers himself a self-made person, who has found beauty in what was very evil and bad. Tony’s morality is not given, it is only integrity. It seems like this integrity happens to align with morality, but it is not so. An action of integrity can automatically become an action of morality, because the highest morality is being true to ones own self.

Thus, my God Complex was dissolved. Not because of guilt, but because I love Tony a lot more. He has been my favourite superhero, and I think he appeals to us because he went from a selfish person to a self less one. Such a person also accepts death, and dies a hero. If I were to tomorrow cling on to life, then I will become like Raavana. Which brings me to another perspective.

Stark is someone who goes against even God, if he believes the God has become corrupt. That is the only reason to do so, else anything else is due to arrogance or greed, a desire for power. I wonder if the God’s corruption is what allowed Raavana to secure power. He was a hero, until he became a villain.

Steve has become someone so good that he cannot be bad, he hides the ugly. This is me. This is a God complex. Stark is self-made good.

I wonder if this means permanent. It can be so their roles keep switching and one keeps the other in check.

My morality is willing to sacrifice people for goodness, and this is not the way. Kant says that the moment people become a means, the idea is immoral. Similarly, if people become the means to goodness, then the action is wrong.

I am sorry, it seems I went all over the place.

In conclusion, the dream gave me an insight into the God complex, which is something each one of us can suffer from. Our first reaction is to condemn this, it feels like the only way to control it is by demeaning ourselves. The issue with a God complex is not that you consider yourself God, but that you may end up getting attached to the idea of being God, even when you act otherwise. An easy settlement to this matter is to say -Since God is everything, let sin be included as well. But again, this feels like a lie. The God complex is not overcome by lies, they will only create more guilt, and you will become insecure in your godhood.

We must remember that Godhood is for the people, and not the other way round. To be a God is not about having power. The very meaning of Godhood is this:

There were two friends. Both were sculptors. They had both received the same tools from their teachers, but one could make astonishing art while the other attempted to copy this art.

Godhood is about using the tools for creating beauty.  In one, the artist is giving the art meaning while in the other, the artist is seeking for art to give him meaning. This is evident, because he believes if there is a perfect piece of art on his board, this will reflect and make him perfect as well. But the very essence of perfection lies in originality, integrity and a preference for beauty. A God creates beauty. We have the same tools, it is how you use them that will determine your Godhood.

We must remember that Godhood is for the people, the moment you stop serving others, you will enter a God complex. You are trying to convince yourself by a thousand words that you are good, whereas it would only take one act of kindness to lay the matter to rest. You deserve rest.

The dream told me to fight the God Complex, the Steve. It told me to fight by being myself, truly. They say this Yuga is characterised by the coming of a new God. This one destroys everything else, because our very thoughts have become shackles. We have begun to use our tools to create only ourselves, our own portraits, so we can be sure of who we are. What a strange thing. Clinging on to identity is very different from clinging on to ourselves. You might think the latter is better, but isn’t it silly that you are clinging to something which can never be lost? Like holding your own hand. Do not fear. Let go of it. Hold different things, your hands will always be there. Godhood will always be there, focus on being human.

Another conclusion heh, my apologies. Thus the dream gave me insight into my God complex, by telling me that Godliness is not the highest thing I can aspire to, I need not be perfect or good. It tells me that humanity is the highest thing I can aspire to. There are parts of my life which are not pretty, like Steve’s smoking. I pray for the humility to acknowledge this, and let myself be. I also recognise that I cannot be Stark, that would mean, with this awareness, to go out and deliberately prove myself by pulling down Steves. No, life is a reaction. We must not plan to be good, but trust ourselves to know we will do good when the time comes. We will also do bad, but without this knowledge, how will you know goodness?

Integrity is dynamic. Be dynamic.

The dream gave me insight into my God complex. Let me focus more on being, than proving who I am. I hope the same goes for you as well, and that this provided insight. I know it is all over the place, it may not make sense, I am still learning. Sometimes, there are moments which I wish I could capture and relay to you. So we could enjoy them together. I hope this was one. This had been really bothering me- I do not want to be arrogant, yet also not deal with it by self-depreciation. There is a middle way, and that is being human. I guess, doing good out of choice, is a bigger deal. I wish to be a big deal. I want everyone to feel like a big deal in their lives. There Is no reason to feel otherwise. The path is to recognise ourselves. Villain? Be a villain. You are important, but do not do things which you know to be wrong. Do right by yourself, someone may call you a villain, and that is okay. Without you there can be no heroes, let us prove our beliefs by our actions, rather than asking others to step down. In doing so, we flow with life. Be yourself, nothing else.  It is especially easy to become fooled by goodness. As my friend Jack says, a dishonest man is better than an honest one, because you can trust him to be dishonest. And so, don’t be terribly sure if you are doing good. At least, be aware you might be lying to yourself. A good test is asking whether your goodness is for people or people for your goodness. Is it that you look at someone, a beggar, as a way to think yourself good and giving money? Then that is false. Act as the situation arises. Listen to the voice within. I tell you this, because it is easy to waste our life being someone else, chasing perfection or hatred. There are no such things.
I shall conclude now. If my message had any truth, it would have been conveyed by now. Die a hero, this is in our choices. Let go. Have a good time. All my love!

WAIT NO I FORGOT THE VERY FIRST INSIGHT

Steve was fine until he harmed something very dear to Stark! Peter! That is when Stark stepped in. In such a way, examine how your desire to be a God, to be good and perfect, has in fact had the opposite effect. It has hurt my child by stifling expression, and so it gives impetus to fight! Thus, when you see how your faults have hurt you (they are only faults if they have hurt you, else it is all a moral judgement) then these faults will fall away. It is not always clear what the fault in a behaviour is- watching porn and feeling guilty for example, is it the porn or is it you making yourself feel guilty or is it escapism overall? What is certain is pain, the suffering. Perhaps that can be the only thing you are sure of, how much pain you feel. Sometimes, we deny ourselves acknowledgement of suffering. Trying to create suffering, overplaying suffering, is suffering too. A lack of suffering in a world where there is so much suffering, can be suffering. Privilege guilt is still guilt, and anyone guilty is suffering. So don’t deny yourself your pain. It is part of life, and a close sibling of joy.
Ok promise I am done.

Your place

There is a place for what you wish to do in this world. You need only understand what it is, there will be no convincing or resistance, this will flow. You must be patient and not give in to your impulses which run from the discomfort of boredom, lack of purpose and pain. You must not fear pain.

There will be a moment in your life where you found yourself in a crisis, a trouble of the mind and body. You were patient here. You did not give in to your impulses, and the pain slowly became joy. It was not the happiness of an addict, who derives pleasure from running away. You stood your ground, faced your fear, and came out on top. You were strengthened with the belief that you can make it. That you can overcome anything there is.

This is all you must remember. You must not forget this, else you may dig a deeper hole. Trust in yourself, that what you truly want is known to you and is looking for you. Just sit and close your eyes, focus only on the emptiness. Let the thoughts come, and one of them will stick. You will realise this one will guide your next actions, just as this message has come from one of these contemplations.

Let there be none of you left. There is only

Forgiveness

A great way to understand if what you engage in is true forgiveness or is it mere carpetry is to ask yourself do you feel powerful. Forgiveness only seems to count when it feels like a choice, and choice is reserved for the powerful. Is that not why God, all powerful, is considered all forgiving?

Thus, to truly forgive, you must have power. Then you must let go of this power to destroy, and that is a scary choice to face. Would you truly let it all go had you the chance at retribution? This is when mettle is tested. So build yourself, gain power, then your sinners will come to you. That is when your virtue shall show and I hope you forgive them. Else you become one of them, and you have failed in ending this cycle of violence.

Good advice

223pm 5/3/24

I saw Lakshmi today, I froze. Why did I freeze? It is now obvious to my body that indeed there is something which troubles me represented by her.

I asked her if the peace she told me of still lasts. She gave me a wonderful reply. It was realistic, down to earth and truly gave me perspective. One of the lines said to focus on becoming something, as all of these things are trivial and cease to matter.

Is that not what I needed to hear? That all of this is trivial. My obsession with some people in my life seems to me just that, an obsession. There is no magical closure, there is nothing to put out for there is no fire. It does not matter if the fire never existed or it died out by burning the house, all that matters is there is no fire.

Upon further introspection I realise what plagues me is this- I miss the power I had over people. That is what I miss thus I do not open up. That is what I seek to establish, thankfully, unsuccessfully.

It seems that I must recognise the power I have over people. It is evident to me how crazy a person can go in isolation. But it is in the deepest mine that one can find diamonds. I wish to find diamonds.

Nowhere in this phase of withdrawal have I felt a longing for other people, only a longing for myself. Thus, it is the right path. It feels like the right path. All is simple. I need not complicate. Today, let me eat good food. Then let me have a good day.

Overcoming guilt

This is something I wrote in a cafe, a diary entry:

3pm 3/3/24 Blue Tokai

I reclaim my corners. You ever felt that urge to scream/ask ‘What the fuck?’ That’s how I felt when I walked in here. Perhaps it is seeing the contrast between my feelings and the normal world. Why do I call it a bad world? Everyone is trying to get by. There is a group of guys doing an online meeting. I respect the hustle.

Art seems to be the only way. To express this pain. I read my journal from a. year ago. It feels immature, so certain I was of my greatness. The pain it hid from I feel still. One moment I say I ought to be away from her, another I am waking up next to her.

Guilty guilty guilty. What for? For girls? Can you truly be on the right side of history? An old friend hit it on the head- praise spoilt us, our time is yet to come again. When I go up, I take him with me. My posse is enlightened, harder than ever.

Lose, loose. Not evil, just loose. Take more hits, hit further. Loose loose. The third eye was lit yesterday, many visions and sounds. It is possible to master it. How though? Why though? Cause that seems to be the only high I want. Recall the Carnival Enlightenment? The visions, incredible. Lose not the heart. You ask if speaking to those who you hurt and hurt you will resolve it, but you only try to fix. It’ll come, do not seek. You energy has more efficient use. You don’t know it.

We do not avoid our pain, nor do we chase it. This is the storm. Sin has its final assault, this poor fool thinks he can trip me with guilt. That’s how one will suffer for the last time. You will be convinced into wanting to suffer (think privilege guilt but the privilege is being a better person, the pain body seeks to drag you back). To call them seeking closure. There will be nothing for you there, you only seek to extend karma.

My dear, this guilt is not yours to bear. You must not be mistaken. Even if you sin, guilt is only an excuse for inaction. Only weak men hide behind guilt. Only weak mean seek forgiveness desperately. If you wish to be strong, carry this burden with grace and ease. A man who has overcome himself shall be sought by forgiveness herself, if he remain humble. Your victims shall forgive you truly when they see you reform. As such, do not seek forgiveness. As Kratos said, ‘Do not be sorry, be better.’

In these bouts of guilt, note this is what happens:

You tell yourself you have sinned, but cannot specify how. This is self-conflagration. It seeks only to destroy your soul- pitiful that it knows not the soul is eternal.

Then you shall seek comfort from your ‘victims’, they may give it to you then you shall say ‘no, this is not real forgiveness, they are unaware of their true feelings, I must bring them peace.’ Then you will seek to fix them. Thus you fall in the cycle.

Or they may not give you the comfort. Here you shall feel empty and hurt. You may even pity yourself. To find yourself the victim on a high road, as if your sins were some great sacrifice. Or that you are irreparable, a wasted life. That this sin shall taint you forever, shall keep you from loving and being loved. Here too, you may seek to reconcile.

Thus functions guilt. A lack of guilt is not a lack of sin, so rest east knowing that guilt is not the only way to acknowledge your sin. In fact, guilt is a way to parade your goodness. It is pathetic. Note now, how a virtuous man shall overcome sin:

to sin is to betray the soul, to leave unheard the voice of God, of the self, of integrity, of all that is whole. It is to betray yourself, simply put. Nobody shall push you from heavy, it is only a leap you take. This is precisely where your uniqueness lies. What we call purpose may just be the sin we choose to eradicate.

Thus first acknowledge that you have sinned- this is free from judgement, as judgement seeks to establish who is guilty. As before, we do not seek to find guilt, only reform.

Yes, when free from guilt, nothing tells you to admit to sin except a sincere desire to improve, why? For you shall admit to sin for nobody except yourself, precisely because when you sin you have nobody as much as yourself. What a freeing thought. In sin, you harm only yourself. Thus, free yourself from guilt to anyone. Guilt will only trap you and hate yourself.

Once the virtuous man recognises sin, he shall be in the knowledge that help is on his way. He shall become still, for he will recognise all his actions since the sin have been borne from guilt. He shall refuse to avoid the sin, to distract himself. He shall look himself squarely in the eye and simply wait. ‘What! Is this not inaction? Is this not an easy escape from the sinner who ought to be tortured?’

Dear friend, cast aside your condemnation, for one day you shall find yourself in his place. You shall find yourself looking at yourself. Thus you will be given a bittersweet reply to your accusation- that to look at yourself in sin is the greatest torture one can endure. This will happen to you if you condemn. But the virtuous man forgives with knowledge.

The virtuous man shall thus see himself in the mirror and seek to forgive himself. This needs no attempt. For just as forced forgiveness to others does not cause lasting peace, so it is with ourselves. Only with ourselves, it is much harder to lie. Moreover, seeking to forgive yourself may quickly devolve into an exercise of blame, where you establish yourself as right and others wrong. You will lose your purpose.

Thus, see yourself without any intent. Only look. Do not search for peace and you will find it. Accept your burden, what does it matter if you have picked it up yourself or it been thrust upon your back? Accept it first, then you can consider putting it down.

It will be interesting, you shall most likely carry it thinking it will make you virtuous, is this not silly? This is guilt.

Suffer, let it be. Think of nothing but your self. The self that has sinned. Cast blameless eyes upon yourself and face your scars. Just as scars may define a well use body, can the same not go for them ind? There is little difference. Get up my friend! And go forth. See your sins and rise above them.

Rise above this sin of lust, it is a disease you contracted. Yes it has harmed, but consider how many more shall suffer if you do not find a cure? And how will you find a cure if you do not get healthy? How will you improve if you remain lamenting over your disease? It is a love for life, not the fear of death, that truly heals us. Get up man. Get up and prove to this cynical world that goodness is possible. That reform is possible. That good and evil are real, that heroes and villains are different. That each one can be calm in the storm, by seeking the highest philosophy. Yours. It is possible. The world of yours is possible.

Well done. Thank you, good friend. Rest easy in reason now. All is well.

Good and Evil

1046 am 2/3/24

In my slump, an excuse to give my soul up, I have done well. I watch a Youtube video, on quotes by villains. There is much I find stirred within. I am confronted with the fundamental question of good and evil. Directly, instead of choices like masturbation and becoming anti-social. I am confronted with the idea of what makes a hero and a villain. For this, my judgement had to go. Now it is a simple choice, made by the heart. My heart does not condemn villains. It then stands to reason that I do not condemn the darkness within. The shadow. Yet, if a villain is one who stands his ground against conviction by heroes, so does a hero stand his ground. It seems to me more difficult to be a hero in this aspect, as to be good can be confused with being nice, and giving in to the whims of evil. I wonder what this phenomenon is for villains. To be bad can be confused with being cruel, needlessly so, and giving in to the whims of evil. When we consider this, there is a commonality between a good hero and a good villain, they both stand their ground. Their values. And I imagine that they both would team up against evil that is chaotic, cruel and unfair.

For a villain has a code of conduct, just as a hero. This is reflected in our folktales, where, for example, Raavana, though he broke societal laws, stuck to his rules of not forcing Seeta. In such a way, the hero and the villain can respect each other. They can understand they have a role to play, and must not judge. Then what causes good to fight evil? Is it the same as a hero fighting a villain, for to me a villain is not evil. A villain is only a different path taken. Look at Mahabharata, the villains are justified and given release in death. I do not imagine evil to be given release. In fact, it must be kept under checks and balances. To confine being evil to only a villain is a folly, as the good too can become evil. Evil is like a disease. Both villains and heroes must stay wary of it.

The difference between a hero and a villain is what you identify with. You personally. That is a fair world. We deserve villains and heroes who have their values clearly mapped out. Who, in the analogy of life’s play, know, understand and follow their scripts. In such an understanding, my conflict against villains is reduced. I seek to bring them compassion.

Yet this compassion is tricky. It must be supported by a robust understanding of life, these are the values I seek. Based on these laws, the world will be put at rest. These laws ensure that I save the man but kill his evil.

Why are we not compassionate toward the evil? It seems to me thus: compassion can be brought about when one’s karma is understood. If I see a villain, and understand his story, I will be brought to compassion. This compassion will seek to restore this villain to his former state, before he was harmed. This compassion is based on understanding that he became a villain due to cause and effect; thus a different cause and effect can be brought about. Evil is a choice. It is not based on cause and effect, for the same causes have often led to different effects. The is no compassion for evil, because evil is a choice. If we have compassion for such a choice, then we become indecisive. Our whole love for good will be questioned, and this will cause inner turmoil.

The greatest power, it then seems to me, is to be able to extract the man out of evil. Evil is a quicksand pit. An evil man- be it a hero or a villain- is only a man stuck in this quicksand pit. Or shall we say a villain is only a man stuck in this quicksand pit. This man could have been a hero. But to say this goes against the idea of a good villain not being evil. Perhaps we can say a good villain is a man in the clutches of evil. He need not be a hero. Regardless, when we see a man in a quicksand pit, we shall not save him based on judgement. To let a villain die in such a way is not being a hero. It is the hero’s equivalent of Raavana taking Seeta without a fair fight. For cosmic order, the hero must too kill evil in a fair fight. Thus let the hero save the man. Rather, let the man save the man. Let judgement go when we are confronted with quicksand, with evil. For this unifies the hero and villain within myself. We shall save each other from quicksand, and continue our duel. Because I imagine it better to save a villain than to kill him. For this, I must kill the evil, not the man.

In such ways our stories gave the villains many chances to reconcile. This is akin to giving the chance to a villain for going back to a clean slate, before he had committed a sin. Before he chose evil. It seems to me incredibly important to give such villains a reason to choose good. If this does not happen, to kill a villain, is the last resort. For death cleanses us of our sins and boons. It is the ultimate clean slate. Thus many villains in our stories are grateful for death.

Let me make goodness look popular, for it is the only peace a man can have. Goodness. Let me fight fairly with my heroes and villains. Let us both be saved from evil. For a hero becomes evil if he lets evil thrive, as much as a villain becomes evil if he lets evil thrive. In this, we are together.

How does this translate to practicality. As a hero, when I am good, I become evil if I let evils like addiction in my friends thrive. I am evil if I am complacent and continue such friendship. I am evil if I do not communicate my feelings to those who sin, to correct them. As a villain, let us say when I am lazing in bed, I become evil if I get greedy. I become evil when my laziness is planned and extends much longer into the future- much like two children taking turns on a swing, both prone to greed, heroes and villains must take turns. When heroes become lacking in compassion, when their righteousness gets to their ego, they become evil- not villains. When villains become unfair and kill the future- let us say in my ejaculation or abandonment of goodness, rather abandonment of character and values- they become evil. This is the balance of the world.

When you grasp this, you are at ease. You have isolated evil, and shall no longer lack in decision. You shall become firm yet compassionate. For to be a hero or a villain is alright by me, but to be evil is not. Chaotic evil has no meaning just as chaotic good has no meaning. Let there be meaning in this life, for I prefer plays that make sense over those which decide their not making sense is what makes sense. There is a difference between absurd theatre and theatre that is absurd. In the former, there is intent. This itself gives the absurdity meaning. But in the latter, it is just theatre which is senseless.

Death

Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

Buddha said this. What do you understand by death?

Death is not the end of your life, it isn’t only that. Death can be in this moment too. I experience death every few weeks, when the joy/enlightenment dies out. I am reborn, and I go through my struggles again. Relapse is death for me.

Some may say it is too idealistic to look at life this way, they are dead. They will be reborn. Death is not only the physical demise of your body, which happens at the end of your lifespan of say 80 years. It is the demise of your mind, which can happen anytime. It is the demise of your soul, your spirit- well, these are eternal, let’s say it is the loss of connection.

Thus with each death I am reborn. When life is lived wisely, such death is no more scary. I am not afraid to throw my life away. I am not afraid to break my routines or personality. I am not afraid to self-destruct.

For it is bound to lead to great things. Eventually, as one remains conscious, one sees the eternal. This eternal will remain, it does not matter what you do. Getting in touch with it is joy. The opposite of the eternal is the abyss. This too is the same thing.

Thus good and bad is nothing. There are levels to this. I have not the words, yet. Experience it for yourself, you do so now too. Each moment your spirit rises and falls. Birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. These are not to be feared. For you will know the truth.

Roots

There seems to be a moment of darkness right now. I feel extremely lonely. My addictions- overthinking, cannabis, alcohol and porn- beckon. Well, I think I have reached a point where I can see they were like a wave. The further away I was from the shore, the easier these waves sucked me in. I did not even know the shore existed- I was in the middle of the ocean.

Now, I have tasted the shore. I seem to be back in the water. I wish to understand these waters, so I can always find my way back. Each time, I will be sucked in- this is the only way to learn. Yes, it would be better to be on the shore, but is this not what God meant by assigning man work. Thrown out of Eden, out of the shores.

Addictions, why did I have them? I see myself seeking women, I seek their company in the same way I sought porn. Well, the flavour seems the same. I seem to be controlled by them, how I am perceived. I wish the be the greatest, why?

That thought has been ever present. It even comes disguised in the belief that I am God. Yet, I feel off.

I wish to be special, Dr. Mate expressed this too. Indeed, these dreams are only an escape from the moment. How do I be present? My relationship with women feels flawed. With men too, I wish to be superior. Wow.

Have I been vulnerable? How do I know? Someone asked me ‘Am I okay?’ I said yes. I recall the first time I instinctively responded ‘I am fine’ to a teacher when he greeted me ‘How are you?’. I truly was not fine, that was my first experience of this phenomenon. This time, I truly am okay. I know I am okay, just gotta feel it haha.

But hey, you are okay. I am here with you. There is nothing due, you feel healthy too. Things are going to improve. We are on our way to the bottom on this. To figuring out addictions. For there is only addiction or awareness.

I want to know. I want to meet my unconscious mind. I want to go beyond, to evolve. Please make this journey enjoyable and swift.

Until then, I carry along. All is well.