Fear

I fear that all my flaws will come on full display some day. The past where I was messy. Oh dear, I was so messy. It hurts me to think that I may have hurt people. I do not wish to hurt people. Not only for their sake, but because to have the pain of another upon your conscience is a burden to bear.

How shall I overcome? I have apologized, but have I forgiven? I do not think so. Let all fault be mine. It was me who attracted those people, even if they were with bad habits, their being was good. We are mirrors, but what if I dislike them and myself? It is not so that I am critical only of them, but I am also critical of myself. I attracted those situations by being a safe haven for them. How can I blame?

Yet, there is anger. It is the anger of a mother whose child has been wronged- she may not see her son’s fault, or she may, but definitely she sees the others wrong. They were. They were insecure, clingy and defensive. I got caught in the crossfire I created. There is no argument out of this one.

I have stopped approaching. I have stopped apologizing. In apology, we often seek escape from the guilt. No more guilt, only understand. Understand that they were human and flawed, just as you were. Let the universe decide, if they approach you, then have a calm mind. Do not seek, do not avoid. Do not be indifferent nor attached. Only listen.

Listening is the way out of this world. It is an incredible super power. I long to listen to their analysis of the situation. Often, in conflict, I understand and present my resolution. I have regularly found myself wanting for the same from the other’s end. It does not come, then I realised it is because I do not give them a chance. So I wait.

I only hope the world realises that the way out of resentment is in communication. Perhaps I assume they are resentful- they could be happy people without me. But does it not take two to be resentful? I am resentful. I hope they come some day and we shall speak. I hope to listen. It seems all this time is for me to get ready.

I will no longer help, for the world matures. It does not need my help, only my presence. Let me be wronged, so others can set things right. That adds depth to a relationship.

Wait my friend. Remain waiting. If they do not come, assume they are happy. Assume the fault is your own, and learn. Let go as well.

Learn to not chase others. Learn to be wary of quick affection, of those deeply affected by your actions, and of those who blame others. This last one peculiarly, for those who blame the world for their misfortune shall some day blame you as well. Then you will feel guilt, and we sign off from guilt.

Shelter those who are humble, creative and secure. Those who have faith, keep them close to your heart and let them in. To the others be indifferent. This is not for your sake, but for theirs. Any reaction to behaviour you do not accept only encourages it. If you reject them, they come back stronger. If you encourage them, they come stronger. Thus, pay little heed to the things which upset you. As attention is like throwing a log into a fire, the fire burns.

Let the fires die out. Let them burn away your ego. As for the past, I am sorry friends, I let you down, I was only human. I accept responsibility for myself, but not for you.

Heh, still hatred. That is okay too. As for the past, let them come for you. Be present, the past will pass.