Runner

For many years, it may have seemed to you that I have run away. Many times, this may have been true.

I believe it bothered you, I believe that this is perhaps the only thing you may dislike about myself. It may also be the only thing I hate about my past- that I turned down challenges.

For many years, I have struggled with this forced ambition- to push myself to push. It has made me push for causes I did not believe in, perhaps that is the greatest, crudest form of commitment. What then is the line between blind faith and ignorance? Fighting for an invisible master at your own cost.

I have struggled to answer this question, to bring you peace. To finally come up to you and apologize and say you were right, never again shall I ever run away. I cannot bring myself to say this. Perhaps to run away for you, is to stay with myself for me. And so, I tell you that yes, I will most likely run away.

I am not brave. I cannot tell you today what will be tomorrow. Anything I tell you now, would be to soothe you. In this, I see that by telling you I will never run away, I fulfil your secret hope for redemption. No matter how dearly I wish to provide you with this, it is not possible. Perhaps your redemption lies in forgiveness, and today I set you free by forgiving myself.

Believe you me, I have great difficulty in this, but this condition brings suffering to us, since I am your reflection, how can I run away from this?