Realisation

Here are some recent occurrences:

The pursuit of lost morality

Kids throwing crackers

The regret over America

The Finnish decision, how it directly made me be here.

The idea that if I made those decisions, what tells me I will not repeat these mistakes

Desire to integrate sexuality and aggression

Realisation that I hate myself

The story of someone telling you to put your hand in a cage you think something bad is in, you decide no, then they convince you, you put your hand, you get bit, then you forget you had said no, then you remain ill until the chance comes to put your hand in another cage, they again say so, but this time you are adamant, you do not, then that cage had better chances of diamonds. You feel bad that you did not listen to this person, but now you remember why. Why would a rational human being listen to this person, who has not even acknowledged how they sickened you. You will look out for yourself, and reject all things this person stands for including morality. You messed up your future, you wanted diamonds. You hate yourself for being so stubborn, but you now understand.

A few days ago, I was walking down the street. Some kids threw crackers at me multiple times, but I did not do anything about it. I did not wish to hit them, so I chose to not acknowledge their existence. I felt I took the higher path, turned the other cheek.

Later my maid had mentioned it, how her son saw them throwing crackers. I then began to think what kind of example I had created. I felt like a loser, who deluded himself into thinking he was being better by not reacting.

Now as I was in bed, I kept thinking about this incident. These feelings intensified. Coincidentally I was listening to Peterson’s lecture, he was talking about how one must wield a big stick and speak softly, how many clients come for assertiveness training and how it is important to integrate aggression. He also spoke about how Rogers suggests that truthful dialogue is therapeutic. One technique was to repeat what the other person is saying before positing your own viewpoint.

I implemented truthful dialogue with myself. I realised I was not listening to myself in this matter. I laid out two sides- one which wanted to be assertive and the other who said to turn the other cheek. The conclusion was that being assertive and turning the other cheek are in reality one side. I believed that the options were anger and avoidance. I chose avoidance, telling myself I might instead beat those kids. I chose to beat myself up over them. Which is still better, but not ideal. The kids remained spoilt, I a pushover and my conscience conflicted.

The ideal was to be assertive by turning the other cheek. Turning the other cheek means recognising your oppressor and telling them you can take more. It meant to simply stand there and look at those kids instead of avoiding them. Then see what happens.

In the American decision too I felt my options as not listen at all and run back home or to stay. I wonder why I was so rushed and desperate to return home. I felt this was being assertive, but why was I choosing this decision? In fact, going to America meant compromising on Europe, it was being a pushover. Where did it all start?

As I dug further in, I recognised this theme. Finland. I was not assertive. In my heart of hearts I did not wish to go. I made my mind to cancel, then my father came and said go. I got confused again. I usurped my life because I did not stand my ground. The year then demolished me. Finland had hurt me so much, that I now believe it was this pain which made me rush away from America. I did not wish to get convinced again.

The year had caused me suffering, it was the cage I was opting out of. I now understand why I did not listen to my father, I was hurt from the last time. I did not trust him to know what was right for me. Finland had hurt me so much, but he has not seen his responsibility. Finland has ruined my life.

I still went to Finland because the logic was that going meant I am strong, that I ought to choose difficulty to be the best. I now see true strength is being assertive, it is listening to your heart. When my heart said to cancel, if I had just stood my ground, I would have already reached my goal of strength. Where I wish to reach now. Instead, I am faced with this situation where I fear my heart will never speak to me again. I am faced with hatred for myself, because I did not listen to myself. I am angered by the fact that my father still feels upset I did not go to America. I am angered that I ruined my life over this. I am angered that I spent years in addiction to forget this pain. I am angered that I let go of morality, because my father stood for morality, but he did not stand for me. Fine, when we decided Finland we both did not know what it meant. But when I came back, when I suffered, when I cried, could he not see then? I deserved help, therapy and love. Instead I got noise, heat and conflict. Then I left home. The worst part is that in many of these things I feel guilty for standing up for myself.

This realisation was a major home run. I realised that I hate myself because I did not stand up for myself. I must learn how to do so. I learned that I rushed dropping out of America because otherwise I would get convinced like Finland and find more suffering. I feel incensed. I then guilt myself over my anger, but no more. It is the truth. I am not lying.

I decided to not go to Finland.

Dad told me again.

I went.

I suffered.

I am in hell.

This was very smart. Thank you. I ought to talk to you more.

Once more:

I had wanted to go on an exchange year. In JBCN, I found a good life. It was the first time I felt this way, I loved it. Then the exchange year decision came, I backed out. Then my father told me to reconsider. This led to considerable conflict. It was the first onset of depression and anxiety. I went. I suffered. I adjusted, then I returned. I felt worse. Family arguments made it worse, I felt neglected. I met and fell for Durga. I became obsessed. I left home because it made me upset. I looked for guidance. It was not helpful. I found a counsellor. I told him Europe. He convinced me America. I did not feel it. I went to America. There I felt terrible. I rushed to drop out. My dad tried to stop me. This made me want to run else I get convinced again. I was afraid of the Finnish situation. I returned home. I wanted to go to Europe. My obsession with Durga got the best of me. I saw Bangalore as an option. If I had not gone to Finland, I would not have met Durga, and Bangalore would not be an option. If this was not an option I would not have dropped out, or would have at least gone to Europe. I chose Bangalore. I wanted comfort and settlement. In Bangalore I got worse then sobered up. I realised what hell I am in. I then let go of Durga, my addictions. I realised I should have stayed in America or gone to Europe. I felt guilt for going against my father. I understood that going to Finland was not needed and America would have been more natural. I understood that applying the same philosophy was a mistake. I understood that if not for Finland, I would have had a normal life and normal friends. I would have done IB, hung out with Niomi, maybe I would have shifted out. I would not be one year behind. I would have gone abroad for college. I would have had everything that I now desired.

But I had also desired greatness. My father also pushed for this. We got our wish. I do not resent him, but I do want him to see his role. Unless we are both on board, I will never achieve greatness. I need him, for this I also need to tell him my truth. Especially if he feels I should have gone to America, he needs to know why I rushed.

Incredible.

02/12/23

Spoke to my father about this and other things. I am blessed to have a father who is willing to listen, understand and accept responsibility for his role in Finland. He also understands that I am no more the child I was, busy in creating and reading, and that this is what I mean by the integrity I seek. These two things were homeruns. Thank you.