Conflict

In class we spoke of harassment. My class is all women. Hearing their accounts broke my world into so many pieces.

I feel guilty for being a man. I feel guilty for being a woman. I feel both sides and I feel so much conflict. I am not a feminist. I feel anger at women for letting me be a man and anger at men for influencing me. I feel blame for both sides, but honestly, it is all me.

I promise to listen. I promise to not touch anyone. I promise to never take sides. I will only take my own side. If I disapprove of harassment, it is not because I love one side more than another. It is because that is who I am.

Everyone is in their pain. That is ok. I will no longer blame one side for not listening to the other. I will also not tell the account of one side to another. I will not fix them. I will only fix myself.

What has happened to my country? I know the root of harassment is lust. We have forgotten how to be chaste. There are people who are making their advances and people who are not strong to resist. Both of them are afflicted by the devil.

Yes, there has to be the devil. Otherwise, I have nobody to fight against. Fear, lust, satan, whatever is the name- but there is this energy. It creeps into us, it has poisoned us so thoroughly that we are fighting against each other. I cannot do so any longer.

I cannot pick sides, because they are both my own. I feel like a parent watching their kids harm each other. I will put a stop to it. I am only looking for a way. I do not understand this fully. I do not understand why men hurt women, and why women anger men.

I am also angry at myself, both parts of me. I hate myself for the pain I have caused women and I hate myself for the pain I have let others cause me. I wish to sleep.

I pray that I never injure another. I pray for patience and kindness. I pray to win. I will overcome lust and anger.