Remorse

As I sit here this morning, a difficult one it was, in recovery steps I learn of the perspective of women in this addiction. It has taken away so much. The most important thing for me was my love for women. It felt warm and safe. I felt I wished to be whatever I want to be so I could look after women. This is what I have killed. So my heart weeps.

I have lost so much. I have killed the confidence of women. Kendrick talks of his lust addiction, I now understand it. I lost a relationship with the only woman I wanted to be with. I hurt other relationships by getting into them when I did not need to. I rushed.

She felt hurt by my actions. She felt insecure because of my desires. I understand what happened better, and if I do not get this message out, I will not remain. What can one do with pain if not share the experience? Otherwise it drives you crazy.

I cannot yet tell the others in my life. I bargain with reality and feel angry that nobody told me, that nobody looked out for me. How could they? They did not know. Perhaps those who claim to love me should have paid more attention- but nobody saves us but ourselves.

Let me tell you of what I have lost. I have lost the glint in my eyes. I have lost my romantic relationship. Indirectly I have lost my social relationships. I have gotten alone without myself, for I lost myself as well. There was nothing. I lost a future full of different possibilities- one I as a child wished to pursue. It was right there, but I lost it. I lost energy, my peace and drive to be a good person. I lost reality and became afraid.

I have lost. Yet, such is life. There is such beauty in this. This grief feels real. It feels nice. Sometimes I forget, I am human too. And this is a feature. Sadness. To experience it sober is a different kind of high.