Realising how time has passed

I am afraid of going to a therapist, I fear that it may break my trust again. It feels fragile. So, I wrote down a list of things that happened in the last five years. Recently I have not been remembering many things. I have better understood how God looks and feels, yet for some time it feels there is a block. It feels like the past few months, where I could not recall the past, I focused on the spiritual plane. But the personal one still persists, especially with my recent break up. I wrote down the things that happened in the form of an introduction to the therapist, to clearly state what they will be dealing with and, in my head at least, reducing chances of me being hurt again. I do not wish to be arrogant, but experience has led me to believe people are often immature or do not have the capacity to understand ideas which are beyond. Simple, money minded therapy will do me more harm than good. As will an inexperienced therapist. I am scared of this, that I will not find someone who is equal in kindness, intellect and understanding. This feels like a trait of my father, he will not open up to someone he does not respect and that seems to be a high standard.

I also wonder if in therapy I seek solution to a problem, and if it is wrong to assume problems exist.

The last months I have spent coming up to a level alone, it feels like a miracle that I could still glimpse a hint of myself after so much muddling. Suffering seems to have become a permanent part. I do not expect escape from it, I don’t want help, I want to understand these events beyond what I have already understood. Part of me wishes to confront the unconscious mind, but it is scary to think of doing it with someone I do not trust fully. The issue is, I do not know what trust should feel like. I do not understand what I am looking for. All I know is that it is time for a shift, and I do not wish to leave this city without having resolved all of my past. I wish to end this era of suffering which I have described in the last five years. I wonder, how far it truly stretches.

‘My name is Karan Baijal. I am 21 years old. In the last 6 years I have experienced the trauma of being put into boarding school; leaving the only place I have felt at home; going on an exchange year where I dealt with feeling unwelcome and alone; failure shattering my identity of being at the top; experiencing dance and music; leaving Finland and my new, cherished life to return to noise and loneliness in Mumbai; a few years of depression and anxiety; a brush with opioids and therapy; COVID changing my world again; 2 intense family fall-outs; finding a girl (1) I wished to marry due to sexual awakening; a relationship with a self-admittingly problem dumping girl (2) who would self-harm; heartbreak at waiting for and being stood up by girl (1) with her boyfriend; learning to drink and smoke weed; a lost brother; an angry father; an anxious, guilty mother; moving out and living alone; feelings of being exploited and being called whiney; intensification of a porn addiction; getting girl (1) and getting attached to her; getting a counsellor thinking that I owe it to my intelligence; get convinced by him into going to a country I disliked on a scholarship I felt inauthentic; absent parents who I feel did not know me enough to look out for me; leaving behind girl (1) only to be hurt by her violating my boundaries by sleeping with her ex while high on weed; apologizing to that ex, in hopes that forgiveness would heal me (it may have been rushed); for by now I have begun to learn human design more than most therapists (which makes me mistrusts them further) and that forgiveness heals; taking responsibility for my life and forgiving my father and seeking his forgiveness; experiencing a girl (3) love me and kissing her a few days after getting into a relationship with girl (1) who said I can go ahead; only to hurt both girls that I loved; feeling broken for hurting both of them; panic attacks in Chicago; dropping out of college against all advice; having family shift again (9th home, give or take); applying to, getting into and dropping out of the college I did want; feeling lost again, family conflict, and fighting to get into a college in Bangalore- the city of my heartbreak and hatred- for the girl (1); panicking out of hostel; going against my parents; having friends who smoked up and drank, encouraging them; erosion of morality; directing stressful plays and feeling that nobody gets me; getting hurt by and hurting the girl (1); confessing my sins to my parents; going through a secret abortion; losing all my past; taking LSD to break out; finding a new method of life, faith in God; experiencing God in drugs; experiencing God in action; gaining tolerance to action; learning to do less; experiencing God in stillness; sobering up; fights with girl (1), kissing her friend girl (4) who would throw up all over my home; meeting girl (5) who would not understand I had no romantic feelings; faking romantic feelings and hurting both parties, watching girl (5) attempt self-harm on my terrace; breaking up with girl (1) but still being friends, watching her relationships and hookups; oh, at some point girl (1) would catfish me on a letter writing app, making me feel understood only to reveal it was her; women getting attached to me out of insecurity just as I did to the idea of being good; learning of and letting go of a porn addiction, of alcohol, of weed, of toxic friends, of myself while I am left alone; swearing celibacy until the time is right; being in a college that offers me nothing while I can only look back at the potential I mutilated and rebuild, no more looking for someone to understand.

If you can help me sort this out then I would wish to meet you. I belong to all schools of thought, I may come off as arrogant but that is my protection against terrible therapists of the past who did not have the kindness, compassion or intellect to get through to me. It is a paradox that I seek help yet remain closed, but I do not seek help. I seek knowledge.

I feel exhausted. I did not realise I have been through so much. How am I still standing? How is my sould still intact? How much more can it take? The alst 6 months have been relatively quiet? No. Look at the turmoil of porn, the breakdown of your birthday. I never realised so much has happened. I wish to give you a vacation just by reading this, yet it pains me to know no vacation is possible for you with such skeletons in your closet.

The fear of therapy is strong. The fear of being misunderstood too. It feels you cannot trust anyone to understand, especially as being understood means to you being common. Then there is the problem of privilege, what right have I to suffer? Hate for society and groups. Arrogance and superiority. Conflicts and contradictions. But it is time, these must be talked about. So I pray you find someone who allows this.

My only question is how will you- with such a sceptical mind- know that you have found this person? What’s the criteria? I hope this is revealed. I hope you find peace. I see you judge therapy now, you call it a rip-off. But I know not where else this can be done. You have sorted this out on the spiritual plane, but the personal plane must still be levelled. Else it keep calling you, like an unfolded bunch of clothes in your periphery- consider this a task to be done.

Good luck my love.