Ever found your impulses to record the date and time for each write up a bit strange? Why is there discomfort if a date misses you, why so desperate to track your history? Childhood issues with uncertainty? I guess it feels so shattered, this personality, that any writeup can belong to any time period. Keep the thread straight lest you go crazy. Heh, seems I truly cannot appreciate chaos sometimes. Well, often. Oh and 853am, 5/3/24.
https://forms.gle/z7QiJh4urwy63aDh9
I hope this lasts, and people gain from it.
I had wished to explore my interest in modelling. A friend told me of a camp, I went. It got me out of my comfort zone, but I also see the traps here. It can be a thing I enjoy doing, and I can bring great impact here. These are the things I felt during this experience.
6/2/24 849pm
Is modelling for me? That was one of my questions. I feel that if I ever have to ask, the answer is no. Ego got bruised so often. It was much better than the past- I can complete this and go. I wish to let go. I wish to be comfortable. I wish to preserve my energy. So many people, it drains me. I wish to be clear about what I want and what I want to do. How to pose, let my expressions come out. They are novel, even for me. I know they can do much good. Let them come out because they deserve to. I don’t see ethics here, this does not seem like a field I will enjoy. Remember the child, he wishes to heal others. This is not a career for me- though I got some hobby tips. I don’t want to be on instagram, that is certain. I would prefer time with Gulrajni sir is what I feel. Honestly, I am fine anywhere, I only wish to connect without bootlicking. I don’t see that with Lakshmi ma’am or her team. I see that Nikhil has depth, so must they all. Too much of my time and energy is spent on judging others and myself. That will not do. That is not what I desire. I feel like I am in limbo, where am I? I learn to stay away from problematic people with compassion. I recognise that I cling to those who give me attention. I realise I criticise those who do not give me attention and see myself as a victim. A vicious cycle.
I noticed my anxiety again. Judgement. So long ago this was, but I know it can be overcome. Let me overcome. Let me win.
Tired. Happy. Had. Haircut. Soon you return to your kingdom, you have made the best of this. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day. Your predictions come true. Goodnight.
8/2/24
224 pm
What a time. Suffering is great, I love that I feel on a new level of comfort. Enduring difficulty is a virtue and I wish to follow it more. This camp really strengthened my mind.
Today, I got dressed up. I went in when Lakshmi ma’am came, and we did many classic, still poses. Anil Sir the stylist wanted to do some avant-garde poses, but this did not happen. I hope to see him in Bangalore and work further. I felt a bit sad that it all ended so soon, I didn’t do my own thing, only followed direction. But I am glad, for that was my modus operandi, to follow what is told. Heck, I did one Wim Hoff session during the shoot and asked Nikhil to play my music. They vibed to Praise God. It was satisfying to watch. Prarthna asked me to do a testimonial, I told her I will do it in a week. She wanted it now, and held my certificate hostage. I chose to side with myself, I don’t feel like writing a testimonial now so I won’t. I told her I will submit a video. I shall keep my word, as she did give me my certificate. Dear God, let me submit a truthful and beneficial testimonial. Is it testimony or testimonial? Either way.
I started the day in peace. Darkness. Reached 30 min early, met the stylists and make-up artists. Initially they thought I am a stylist. This industry does need a lot of peace and humanity. Eventually, it all plateaued. I guess the flow state hits. I wish to work with sober people. Private, one on one things with relaxed stakes.
I got my make up done, took my polaroids. Abhay gave me his t-shirt and Ayush lent me his boots. Everyone I met seemed to smoke, especially the youngsters. This will not do.
Anil Styled me and it was wonderful. I felt experimental. They put coal eyeliner on me, this too looked sharp. Lakshmi told me to work on my movements and keep my eyes relaxed. I shall do so, I hope to work with her soon. My insecurities are gone. I feel like the difference between a first year and a final year. Sure, there is a long way to go, but I feel I have done my basics. I told myself today that if I felt comfortable, not only that, but if I caught discomfort, meditated and made myself comfortable, then I am done. I asked for a tissue to wipe my nose, asked for my own songs and water. I think it was good.
Suzanne said I looked like a professional model. That is very sweet.
Best of all I do not feel attached. I do not feel I could have done better. I feel yes, this is done, let us move on. I came home, showered, ate a greasy meal and watched YouTube. Now I wrote and shall nap.
This was a great idea, thank you Karan. Keep taking leaps to know fall damage does not apply to you.I feel so much progress in my surety in the universe. I knew 4th day is when I open up, and that is when I did. Incredible.
I am very proud of this video. Heck, I meditated.
Letter for Lakshmi Rana
9/2/24
1432 Enroute to Bangalore
Dear Lakshmi Ma’am,
I created this account only to connect with you to tell you this. I have understood that the idea of modelling for me is to be comfortable within my body and have a lot of fun shooting. I also don’t intend to take this too seriously, I feel I will do better if I let things flow, else, especially as someone who is wary of substances even like coffee or instagram, I lose myself. To have this clarity itself feels wonderful, and you knowlingly/unknowingly brought it out. Some people told me that I can’t make it in this industry with my casual attitude, but I feel that is the only way I could make it with myself intact.
A great change I wish to report is my willingness to make eye contact with people while I was walking in the airport today. Sure my excuse is I am posing around, but the human contact is refreshing. My walk too feels calmer. Thank you for that. You suggested I work on my movements, and you are right. I hope to figure that out for my personal life- being tall in a country designed for shorter people makes one awkward due to infrastructure. I also feel that strengthening my body will give me more grace. Nutrition too is on the agenda.
I enjoyed how you told me you would like for me to try out my own vibe, funky I think you said. I would love to do that some time, though this outfit was so cool! It did not feel outside my style, rather I got to learn I can do this too. I think that is the point of this for me, to realise what I think is out side of me is actually still me. I also see potential for shoots and outfits to help me reconnect with my feminine, I adore her. Thanks for that. I am excited for the photos.
Another thing I wish to report is that I had noticed the studio boy Jitu recording one of my peers while she modelled. I am upset that it slipped my mind to understand what it meant. You noticed him later and had those videos deleted, thank you for that. I am sorry I wasn’t aware, but I know better now.
I am of a universal shift. I believe- from my limited exposure- that this industry, as with many other artistic ones- needs development in the aspect of humanity. If you ever see me in it, it will be for this cause.
One of the best things I implemented from your advice is the end of the shoot. There was a moment I felt desire for more time, but due to your preparation it quickly passed and I could move on with life. I went home, had a hot shower and took a nap. With that my Wilderbee experience ended, and ended well. The first few days were difficult, I had told myself that the fourth day is when I feel myself and that’s what happened. The fifth day went well precisely because the previous ones had fortified my mind- and you are correct, it is all a test of mental fortitude. I got to notice my own judgements toward myself and others, it was amazing. I congratulate you on such a good job, well done!
For your future programs, I would like to recommend a short session on breath work. You may have heard of the Wim Hof method, that was a great tool for me before the shoot. I am sure it will help others too. One can get very worked up and can find it easy to lose clarity of mind and presence.
Also right after Alicia (?) mentioned healthy eating, one of the meals consisted of two burger king burgers. The breakfast was better (a freshoven sandwichI think). I understand that you do not have a base in Mumbai, but it would do well to look into a truly healthy option so aspiring models/humans can begin to eat right from the camp itself. I also notice that music has a great impact on ones expression. The music played during sessions felt very dark and- well it is the music one would play when high in a shady place with shady company. I get that everyone has their taste, but this is what I felt would have made the experience better for me. Another thing which carries great weight is your presence on shoot day, some students were done before you came, and felt a bit off due to your lack of presence. Once you came though, it felt nice. I felt safe around your energy, I don’t trust the others. I felt happy that I went after you came.
I tell you these things because I do want your camp to improve. It can serve a purpose greater than just training people into modelling and transforming. It is a fantastic place to start with. I tell them to you directly because I don’t intend to speak much in my testimony, it won’t be as honest and intimate. I don’t wish to be seen, I wish to be known. Heck, the only reason I will be sending one is because I told Prarthna I would. Also, please keep this between us. Not because I don’t trust you or others to not understand, but because I wish to speak to you and you alone. This is only for you because you are nice.
Oh, and I feel this completes an important thing for me. I first explored an interest in modelling when I was 15. We got connected to a man called Harry Saps. I was in boarding school, and the school arranged transport to the place. I was alone there, and I now recognise what I felt then was a feeling of discomfort. I was unsafe. They had put me with adults, and spoke of things a child should not hear. The man told me to put my hand around a woman, I did not wish to do it, and he pushed me for it. I did not go after the first day. Truly amazing how our innate senses work, for the man was arrested later for rape.
It hurts, this feeling. I had forgotten it, but wish to express it now. Please be gentle in your inner reaction. I feel free from it. I was a child and did not know much. I don’t blame the adults. I am grateful to know reality, for that gives me something to improve. I wish to make this world a better place. I spend my time seeing such pockets. One cannot change these pockets, they are not inherently bad things. It is how we use them, and that is what I wish to work on. To fulfill legitimate needs like attention and expression through legitimate ways like healthy modelling.
Modelling, fashion and fame are things a majority is drawn to. People think these things will get them what they truly desire. It is tragic, such a pattern is evident in more and more aspects of the world we share. One example is that one can be inclined to believe looking good will get them love, but it is truly the opposite. Love makes one look beautiful. Addiction to awareness, that’s the plan.
Such love is what I intend to bring about for the world, I am certain a path will be shown to me. It may be this, it may be that, either way, your camp was a step. It does not matter in which direction it was a step in, since sometimes we just need to move. Thanks for moving me, and have a great day ahead.
Ciao!
K
This has been the first post of its kind in a while. We had an outreach camp, I cannot help but think of the Finnish camps and the Auroville trip. Here I felt disconnected, there were so many. In Auroville too there were many, not much mingling, but the activities and experience felt HD. This was down to earth. Why am I here again?
Finnish camp, few people, much bond. Here there were three days, it was hot and dusty. Perhaps I am just too hungry right now. I wish to go home. I feel homesick. I feel like running away from this place, this heat, this noise. I am hungry. I shall restrain my thoughts from verging on dismay. Let me distract myself until my composure returns.
Later:
It was a good time. I saw peacocks, because I walked ahead.
He broke up with a girl. She liked him, she was convinced he is in love with her. She did not wish to let go. He knew he did not feel much, but gave it a shot.
Often, I have linked him to my ex. It is strange, but I feel he holds the key to my relationships.
In breaking up with her, in staying away from her, he has done it. He has broken the pattern. He did what I convinced her to not do. I convinced her to date me, thus a great cycle of Karma began. Funny how both couples met in the same place.
I empathise with her. I know how it feels to be unloved, perhaps she feels this way too. I also know it is in her interest that a man who did not love her let her go. She deserves to be loved. He deserves to love.
The heart is heavy. Give it time.
Kiwi
Chidvilas
Bhamiti
Peanut Buttter
I like him. He is my world. I hope he is ok. The memoir is him. It is incredible.
I was here 10 years ago. I am here now. The traffic has increased. Living in a bad place means one has many opportunities to do good. For himself and for others. He can change the world.
I have lived longer in Bangalore. I feel great progress in my adjustment here. I am glad. There is a lot of good here.
This morning, I went to the gym. It was 10 km away, but I hope to go there again. I believe destiny worked- I always felt upset by how stale the air in gyms can be. This one is open aired. I love that. I found a nice yoga place. I can go box. I will find a Sitar place. I can make my dreams come true here.
I hope that my family gets stronger. I hope to give away gift money to sport initiatives.
I wish to meet all of them. I think I met one, it was a great revelation. Hope to reconnect.
Oh I am born in the greatest time possible.
Why do you say so?
Why wouldn't I?
There is war, famine, nuclear threat, climate change, addiction swoops across, so many more terrible things happening.
Exactly why I am born at the best of times, the right time. You see, in my teenage years came a phase of intense suffering followed by addiction. Then there was awareness of the addiction, and I noticed whenever I would engage in addictive behaviour, there would come days of intense productivity. I had also noticed that days that started well, ended badly and vice versa.
Is this not the story of my world as well? There has been a long time of intense suffering, we have created solutions to this in the form of social media, porn, and liberalisation of substances. Now, many spiritual teachers have spoken of a universal shift. The first time I heard of this was by Kendrick Lamar, speaking of the ideas of Eckhart Tolle- universal shift, I'm in the groove.
Keeping this in mind, I could not be born at the time of the suffering, nor when the tides had turned. If I was born with suffering, I would not recall goodness. If I was born when the world had become 'better', that better would be the worst for me. It is as if I am an actor during the golden age of Hollywood, where things have been going on long enough for there to be great momentum, but there is also so much more to explore. It is the line between chaos and order, the straight and narrow path. The golden hour of my world.
The worse I made things for myself, the harder I was shaking myself up from slumber. Is it not obvious then, when you feel this world is in its deepest sleep, that there will be such 'shakings'. Will we not wake up and die? That depends, on you. No, not the people who will watch this interview, I mean you, the interviewer. What is your name? Are you excited by this idea? That all suffering can end, that the tools of knowledge are all in place only for your reading?
I do not suggest you awaken out of fear, nor do I know how you can do so. All I can tell you, is that when you get out of bed and slumber calls to you, when you are tempted to fall asleep again, I promise you outside is much better. Much more fun. You no longer have to fear it. The world is yours, we have the resources, the technology and the experience. I think this is what they mean by the collective conscience. The world's consciousness has worked hard, and we got it. We really do got it. All we have to do is become aware of it- that's as simple as flicking a switch. Like Dumbledoor said. Like Jesus said, he's back.
Do I hope people see it? No, I do not hope for anything. Everything will happen in due course of time, if I try to speed it up I am suggesting the present sucks. For me, it does not. If it does for you, well hurry up! And goodluck! I cannot wait to meet you again, hopefully you will have seen these ideas.
What a day I have had. To sit and drink and smoke with my father's oldest friends. I told them of my love for Rukhsora. Rajeev uncle told of his crushes. To hear them talk and disagree and listen. I felt happy, good male company. I feel honored they treat me like one of them. I can express myself. Bunny uncle suggested I can come there for masters, i would love that. The future excites me. Such laughter. I am glad I got cigarettes, I have no burden of them anymore, they were well spent. I’d love to be a model.
I smoked the first cigarette with Rajeev uncle. I told him I felt cool, as he is dad's best friend, to smoke with him. That these cigarettes are for special occasions. They told me my personality made me stand out of the crowd. I feel encouraged.
We spoke of women and to be gentle with them
of politics
of regret
sigh, Rukhsora, are you still around? Will I get to meet you? I hope some day, when I have made it
experiences and people is what life is about said Vineet uncle.
We spoke about dogs, and breeds of dogs that don't shed
So many wine top ups and smokes
Their mother checked in just as Rajeev uncle predicted, i hid the cigarettes, they told her I was the leader of this party
They make you feel so special, it is beautiful.
Thank you.
One of the best nights of my life.
I feel so comfortable.
They loved the razors, and I am full of joy.
I feel proud to be someone they like.
Keep on going.
Spoke to Niomi too, felt love.
I hope to meet her, she is so nice.
I hope she feels better, she lets go of body image, she finds herself, finds peace.
I am my best teacher, I found the guide.
All things come to me.
Manifestations work, they did not wish to go for the party
yet for their brother they let go
and the universe showed up to cancel.
Balcony, the breeze and tossing buds into the street.
Cheese, wine, whiskey and rum.
Water too.
My heart is full, to think my mother too will be this old,
old as Wadhwa aunty.
But so will they all,
and then I shall hold their hand.
Then i shall bring the world to them.
Then i shall enjoy each moment.
To be someone they are proud of,
will be my best gift.
It is all I ask for,
to push the baton further.
All the wealth,
classy and personal,
for these people:
parents brother Wadhwas.
To guide the younger ones,
spend time with my ages,
born at the best time,
well done.
These eyes see so much. They seem to speak different languages. Often we are trained in only one language, but just as learning a new language can open up worlds, so do new ways of seeing things. The things that we notice in our lives are truly incredible- different minds can gather different things from the same picture. Imagine then, what about pictures none of us have ever seen? To bring these personal pictures to life seems to be what art is. God made us in his image, then we were in his mind no?
Julia Cameron highlighted how the word ‘creator’ is a synonym of ‘artist’. If art is bringing out what is deepest within us, and God is an artist, then theory suggests we were what God held deepest within him. Just as art can reflect its creator, can we do so too? How do I do this?
I seek a new world. A new language. I have seen many worlds, they are deep within me. In this blog and journals, I have tried to show them to you.
Everything is my creation. The life I lead is what is deepest within me. How shall I change then? It seems the key is to relax more than to do. To go with the flow, but I am one of those who wonder what a log flowing down the river thinks. Quite absurd when you think about it, but isn’t that what I am doing to myself?
Today my father accepted that he holds responsibility for the Finnish decision. A monumental moment, for it means he wishes what is best for me. Truly. To let go of ego is no small feat, especially when the consequences of your ego were so huge. Look at me for example, my ego refused to see how Bangalore was my creation.
I feel in limbo. It feels that life has stopped, but theory suggests nothing could be further from the truth. Life does not stop. How do I find God?
Today I felt ambition. It felt normal, but must I remind you the years it has been since this feeling to be something came up? It is a big deal, but it also isn’t.
It seems to me that I am bored. Wonderfully, after long have I no routine. I am falling freely, but this time my posture seems to be better. Thank you for the habits, past me.
There are ideas, but there is fear as well. The Problem Sculptor idea seems the best one. Where is the place where I can thrive? Ought it not to be anywhere? Why should I even thrive? Am I creating my own obstacles?
What overjoyed me was when my father recognized that I would think less when I kept creating things, reading and stayed busy. I then told him that Karan is what I mean by wanting my integrity back.
And I have never felt more fearful.
I am scared that it will not be possible. That like an overconfident kid who does not try, for there is real danger of failure. Let me ask you then, what happens if you do not try?
If you do not do the Problem Sculptor idea, someone else might. You shall then feel bitter. You will have one less achievement to your name. You will miss out on failure.
If you do not achieve integrity you will remain conflicted, brooding over the past you. You can only realise your mistakes once, anything more is brooding over the past. Your life will be regretful.
How shall you win? There are 6 days in your hands before another reset.
A little later-
I sent my draft of the story of the boy and food to people. I am scared. I don’t think they will enjoy it or get it. I think it sounds too much in the face, like it has no story. I should have written a better story based on that concept. Oh well. Man, such anxiety. What if they are dishonest in their feedback? Okay, I must encourage good feedback. I should not take it personally. What if they think it is about me? Okay, that is okay. Is it not truly a story about everyone? Heck, Krishna wrote about it too, then am I a copier?
What is the objective? To be original? No, to express. Stories are to express; they have lessons in them. Indeed, this anxiety is incredible- for them it may seem like an unexpected message but for me it is a step to integrity. Indeed, I am a storyteller. Granted I learned to write stories functionally, for English class with the right number of fancy words, but that’s still the only medium I have. Oh how I wish for better vocabulary, sentence structure and grammar. Descriptive writing, where are you? Parables are simple.
Isn’t this exciting?
More later-
People responded well to the story. It seems general enough to resonate. I am glad.
Dad introduced me to this, I do not know if he directly did so or I found the books. Either way, this is one of the few things that appeal to my sense of humour. I know that, because this is also how I would often speak in my head. The vocabulary and responses, so wonderful.
The actors are all dead. All my idols are dead it seems. At least the childhood ones. Kendrick Lamar is alive, but I do not know what an idol means anymore.
Enjoyable acting. Comfort show.
Later-
The characters have taken over my self-talk.
Blast off- Gesaffelstein and Pharell Williams
My friends used this for a fashion show. It was catchy, turns out it is spiritual too. I am slowly getting the Pharell Williams hype.
Jung writes of the androgyny of Christ. I have been feeling so long for this. I do not get where I fall in, I do not seek anything. People say I am feminine, I enjoyed and detested this, but never understood this. I wonder- yet again I am tempted by desiring uniqueness, that I wish to be the only one. Remember, you can either have your wish and be alone, recognize you are alone, or you can let go and see what happens. Unique and together at the same time. This is possible, for the very idea of androgyny cannot be construed by the mind.
Heh, do I seek? I know now. It does bring me peace, to know there is a way to understand this part of me which loves both masculine ambition and female peace. Chaos and order, both are within. I like this concept, because it means no more labels. If you have both the fruits, why would you choose? Do you not call it a circle, even though there are two halves? Do you label the halves or just call it a circle? Do you label my halves, or just call me a person. Finally, a person!
Another concept he speaks of is the difference in the east and the west. Here too, my situation is unique. I am eastern by birth but western in thought. I am masculine by birth but feminine by thought. These things have changeed, for when I discovered the eastern thoughts I fell in love. If I let go of choice, am I not always often in love? If I let go of time, do I not have eternity?
I taste freedom, I feel grateful. The east is feminine, thus in enlightenment it becomes masculine and declares I am the creator. While the west is masculine, thus in enlightenment it becomes feminine and declares I am the created. This is what I think Jung is saying.
How funny then, I am on both sides. I am here and there, and the trouble rises when I label both halves. This life is wonderful. I am taken care of, for I am taking care of it. Weirdo. Heh.
Oh, and androgyny seems to be a different way than celibacy. I suspect it will help me understand better. My God, is my desire to not be in a relationship or masturbate rising not from fear of women and loss of energy, but because it is possible to be complete within? How incredible! How can I then masturbate out of chasing? I still hope for a clean slate, to let the past go. The past is full of masturbation and porn, thus it may be the devil for me?
Jung gave me a great new idea to look at the devil, it is anything that takes me back into unconsciousness: Porn, masturbation in the context of porn (I feel that a 90 day reset of masturbation will bring me peace. If I do that, and then even if I end up masturbating, I believe I will not feel guilt.), anger, victimhood, submissiveness. Oh my. East to west to east to west. Androgyny gives integration.
Exciting.
I set a schedule to wake up at 5, today I woke up at 830. It is a weekday, the schedule allows me to take a holiday on Sundays. As of 949, I am still in bed. I have conquered myself.
We often treat ourselves as our own enemies. Recall, as a child, you treated your parents as enemies yet now you may see the good intent. In the moment, a friend can become disguised as an enemy. The same goes with ourselves- maybe what we are doing is in reality good for us- but believing we are our own enemy makes us fight ourselves. It seems to me, that treating ourselves as our enemies should be done, but done in the correct manner. It should be done as one should treat enemies in life- by listening to them. If we do not listen to a person, we have already labelled them as someone not worth listening to. When we flog ourselves, when we continuously resist our impulses without understanding them, do we not tell ourselves we are not worth listening to? Instead of fearing enemies, change the definition of an enemy.
Today was wonderful, I am in bed but I am listening. I am in bed having eaten breakfast, taken my medication, done my required 3 push-ups. I have had tea, written my dream journal. Often, I equated being in bed to be laziness. No matter what. I have a tendency to go from order to too much order, eventually breaking myself. I continuously seek a shortcut to life- find a routine which suits you and do it each day, then your days will be good. Incredibly this does not work. The greatest problem arises when we beat ourselves. Honestly, the entire problem is fear. The solution lies in presence. Just be here.
Even as I type these words there is a voice that asks me if I plan to publish these thoughts. It fears judgement. Then another voice comes up, telling me that one should publish and be transparent. It reassures me that these words are true and the truth should not fear the light.
There are two ways to deal with conflict- be in the conflict or out of it. Being in conflict means you are an active participant. It means you have power and the ability to do something about the conflict. Then is the question- shall I use force to beat the other person or do this socially. Simple, no? If you are in direct conflict, take a step back and consider your options. If you believe there are no options, this may mean you have not understood the conflict well. This can be remedied by speaking and listening to a symbol of the conflict- your opposition. An example of an active participant is being the husband quarrelling with your wife.
Most often, we are not the active participant. We are the child of these parents. I mean this both literally and figuratively. You may discover you are not the active participant even as the husband- you may realise that your wife is at conflict with herself and so is lashing out. Here again, you have two paths- one of kindness or one where you resent her, tell her she is immature and that these are not your issues to deal with.
As a child too, we have this choice. I am guilty of often choosing the latter approach to my parents. It is more lucrative, this choice, when your patience seems to be not met with praise- ‘Oh what a wonderful child, he understands that his parents are flawed.’ A silly line, but one I have desired. We want to be recognised for our magnanimity. What a strange disguise- we try to be humble so we can be praised. Is it not better to outright declare our desire for praise instead of going to such extents? I too often do this- I want people to recognize my suffering. I would then be at conflict with myself- the part that desires praise and the other who wishes to be humble. Yet, these are lies. The part that desires praise tries to get this by humility, which is an outright lie. The part that is humble, if it were truly humble, would acquiesce to the part that desires praise. It would not fight, for to fight means you know you are righter than the other. This is one way to look at it. Some may feel to fight the good fight is the nobler explanation.
The truth here is the desire for praise. If I listen to myself, I sense the suffering. The recognizition I look for from others, maybe my inner self is actually asking for it from me. I can only intercept this if I am listening.
Okay, back to being the active or passive participant. If you are the child below the conflict, there will be fear. If you overcome this fear, then you will be above the conflict. To listen requires tremendous lack of fear. We do not listen, because sometimes we feel that to even hear someone else’s view out threatens our sense of self. This I have experienced, thus trust. I have noticed that some adults treat their parents fighting as a cute quarrel, while they may have as children felt the same situation was the biggest argument in their world. Both are true. The adult has security, and so is no more threatened. We are no more controlled.
I say this as today, when I chose to be in bed, I did so as the adult looking at his parents bicker. While parts of myself fought, I humoured them- knowing that at the end of the day they live in my house and I am in charge. I did the tasks which had to be done. It was a very cool experience- to not identify with the conflict. To know whatever happens will happen.
Sigh, I feel I no longer write coherently. I see my past writings and miss the clarity.
Right, as I sat in bed I watched two videos. One of them I resisted clicking on, as it seemed to threatened my sense of self. The self often has to die.
It spoke of relationships. I fell for each flaw- hoping my partner would solve my issues, fulfil my fantasy. I was manipulative without knowing it, because in manipulating the other I manipulated myself. It was like a relative turning you as a child against someone else. Again, when you become an adult you can see through their machinations. I hope to never fall for this again. It was a painful experience which has given me much guilt.
I ignored all the things I disagreed with. I guess, that relationship symbolised my relationship with this part of myself. I consider the idea of thinking my body is inhabitated by many spirits. I am only the house, the house owner is, perhaps, what Marcus Aurelius calls the ‘Rational faculty’. Everything else is just a guest. The guest who is a hedonist, another who is aggressive, another who is toxic, another who is depressive, one who is merry, another a cynic and many more. The house owner at first will admit all of them- just as I admitted all forms of friendships: ones with druggies, alcoholics, artists, good people. Oh, then the antisocial elements wrecked havoc in my house. I as the house, suffer. It takes some time for the house owner to identify the antisocial elements.
If you fear ‘what if you never identify the antisocial element’, fret not. Being a good person, would you go to a cafe which has a murderer? Similarly, the anti-social elements drive away to social ones. Badness drives goodness away. Eventually, there will come a point where you recognise your house is full of badness.
Then, I pray, your rational faculty has learned. You can drive badness out, but this needs strength. You are probably exhausted. I have learned- do not clean the house. Badness has a short attention span. You stop paying attention to it, it will leave. To keep away badness is easier that to drive it out. Just like never going to parties which have alcohol is easier than being in one and resisting it. Sometimes, the easiest way to put out a fire is to let it die out.
Once your house has emptied, your rational faculty knows better now. It will clean up the house. I think cleaning up the house means putting good things in it- exercise, sobriety, art and activity. This will attract good things and people. Throw out the alcohol, the drugs and all elements which are addictions. Addiction attracts addicts. Awareness attracts nothing- it is content.
Such has been my journey. I still fall prey to the antisocial elements. After my breakup, I engaged with a girl. There is little difference in the external and internal world. The greatest challenge of an empty house, of waking up and realising you have been living in squalor, is being there for some time. For example, I must live in this city for 6 more months. Here too, the challenge is to be still. It is like a quitting alcoholic- he will recognise the damage he has done. In the anxiety and stress that this recognition carries, he may once again turn to alcohol. This is how we relapse.
You will also learn the signs of relapse. Eventually, you will catch them. This will be the most exhilarating feeling. Then, it may be so that the mind will play tricks. It will ask you- is this really a relapse? Don’t you deserve a bit of fun? Then you will relapse again, learn again, and then never fall prey. The sign of life is not a lack of problems- it is the presence of newer problems. This is reflected in evolution- we never evolve backwards. The lessons which are properly learned will never go away.
My greatest question was this- how do I act? Do I never do anything or do I engage in things that will turn out to be mistakes? The answer is, you do not know what an action can result in. The fear is this- to become ignorant. Ignorance is a crazy state- you are fooling yourself. My fear was how do I know I am not fooling myself. The answer lies in awareness. Be here. It is incredibly difficult. I recommend reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.
Then the greater question you will face is this: am I, by rejecting the antisocial elements who are looking for a home, not being antisocial myself? Here are some responses:
No, by the logic of the greater good and your duty to the social elements, you are encouraging social elements by keeping them safe. Anything that threatens them should be kept out. Who gave you the power to judge? You are the house-keeper.
Yes, some elements may not truly be antisocial, but you are the lesser evil. Again, as keeper of the house, you are responsible.
Redirect the antisocial elements. This means to channel the dark self. For example some channel aggression by boxing.
Call them in, if you identify as the house, then being broken down means renovation. If you integrate your shadow, your house will be richer. You can attempt to understand these elements- for this you will need consent of your social guests. Else they will again leave.
Forget about decisions, let people fall in and out. This is in accordance to nature. You need a different level of non-attachment to be at peace with this.
What is correct? Again, you simply don’t know. On one hand you want a peaceful home, on the other hand life is change. What is social today will become anti-social tomorrow. So really, it depends who you are. One thing is certain and recommended, once you identify what you do not wish, believe yourself. Listen. Just listen. I don’t know what your issue is, only you do.
Today I learned that we ought to try framing our problems as mysteries. They may not be solved, but we still participate. Most of all, I learned that a great question to a question is ‘Who is asking?’. Identify who is asking, and in that you will find your answer.
For example, if the house is asking, then you are a bit crazy as houses don’t ask questions. But still, the answer is different. If the guests are asking, then keep the antisocial ones out. If the anti-socials are asking, then figure out how to integrate them (we have established that to listen to your enemies is a good first response) by understanding what they want. Negotiate with them. If the housekeeper is asking, then look to your sense of duty.
And so the human being is never static. Just as there is a part of me who wishes to wake up at 5, there is a part that wishes to stay in bed. Who is right, it depends. Currently, I celebrate the instance when I used my rational faculty to say:
It is a holiday, I am ill, I am not using my time in bed to do bad things. Just as a recovering alcoholic will learn to avoid pubs, he may begin to avoid all people altogether. But if he begins to feel alone, he must find balance. This balance comes with presence is what I have learned. I hope to practice this more.
Because remember, in this analogy we still do not know who the owner of the house is.
This frustrates me:
05/12/23
Whenever I contemplate reading a book I am hounded by this question of making notes, speed reading or slow reading, online or offline. I hate it. It discourages me from reading a book. Incredibly annoying.
How about this: speed read online, reread offline. That way, I get to finish all books at least once quickly. Let the subconcious handle it. Then, I can read them properly to make notes and add them to my collection. I buy fewer books, ensure more are fully read. To half ass a job it seems here, is better than overthinking it to high hell. Especially newer books. I let go of my obsession with dates, records and quantity.
The Power of Now, Echkart Tolle:
I learned about how compassion requires you to feel the bond you share with others. This bond is dual in nature, it is a bond of mortality- how both of you will soon be dead- and of immortality- how both of you share a divine nature. The former lets you go of the negativity while the latter brings in positivity- I think. Perhaps the latter also gives you faith.
Judgement is either to confuse someone’s unconscious behaviour with who they are or to project your own unconsciousness onto another person and mistake that for who they are. To relinquish judgement does not mean that you do not recognize dysfunction and unconsciousness when you see it. It means “being" the knowing” rather than “being the reaction” and the judge. You will then either be totally free of reaction or you may react and still be the knowing, the space in which the reaction is watched and allowed to be… Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are.
Bullet for Bullet, Julio Ribeiro:
An officer can get over the inbuilt odium attached to his profession only through transparent actions that send clear messages to the people that he is on their side in the fight against all forms of injustice.
‘Mr Mehta, a man’s worth is counted from his chin upwards’- Girija Shankar Bajpai
12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson:
10/11/2023
I am at another slump, the cycle continues. There are two ways to think about this as a video game:
I am on the same level, getting slapped around by the same monster
I am on the next level, getting slapped around by a stronger monster
I choose the latter. The last level involved quitting porn, great attempts to cub mastubation, reaching consciounsess, going to the gym, jogging, singing. It seems that that structure of order is now collapsing. The question is, will I fall down levels or rise up. We will rise.
This last level gave me a glimpse of the goodness within. It was exhilirating. I want that.
We go back to tested methods, there is so much to always learn from Dr. Peterson. In his work, you focus on different aspects at different points in life- so it seems a trusted thing to fall back on. It is like the Gita which speaks to you as you need. Incredible.
I learn of serotonin. Yes, it has been falling. I feel weak. My posture droops- the sccariest part is how easily justifiable all of this is. How do we improve serotonin? He suggests breakfast and sleep. Crazy how this is obvious to me yet that is what I have been screwing up on. Well, breakfast has been incredibly consistent- only my time of waking has not. Let me once and for all resolve this matter.
The issue arises when, after a period of waking up early, I feel I should rest. If I schedule micro rests, a threshold for laziness, perhaps this will cease to be the case. Indeed, I ought to choose not only a time to wake up early but also a time to sleep in. Lest there be mutiny in my house.
What about afternoon naps? Don't focus on them. Focus on the positive- that is to wake up each day at a given time. What time you say?
Herein is another issue- I began to wake up at 5 but kept pushing to wake up at 4 to have more time. Strange, how easily we get greedy even for health. This greed eventually burns me out. I begin to think that even 5 am is not good enough for me. Then I lose it all, how funny.
Let me choose a time, let me choose a rest day, let me choose a date to review the time. Until that date, let me not mess with my decision.
Let's see now: waking up at 5 is a wonderful experience. I think I get greedy because of college, if there was no college I would find that 5 am is enough time to do it all. This creates a split- some days I have more time after 5 and some days less. Strange thing is, I attribute having less time to not waking up earlier instead of accepting this is college. I also get greedy with my morning routing- piling things one after another. For this too, I must identify what is most important to me.
There has to be activity after waking up, this is certain, else we fall back into sleep. This activity must be doable each day, a simple task. Here are the options:
shower
brush
eat
push ups
write
read
Ok, I will do this. The trick seems to be to keep short, easy to do tasks. Heh, this seems to foreshadow Atomic Habits.
I will not shower first thing. I will do the tasks first. Then shower.
Tomorrow I will
Make my bed
Drink a glass of water
meditate for 3 minutes
do 3 pushups
read 3 pages
write the flow for the day with 3 tasks to do
I begin my day by brushing my teeth, showering and washing my face, doing skin care, chaging into the days clothes and drinking a protein water.
Keep in mind, the routine is not your achievement. It only sets you up for greatness. Aim high. Current goals:
Singing 1 hour a day
Reset 15 times
Read all the books
A painting from Knox
One day, we all gathered. Perhaps it was a club activity my friends and I went to. Each person got a canvas, drew something, and passed it on. The chances of something beautiful coming out of such a thing would depend on each person’s connection, no? Looking at this, I feel wonderful that of a million terrible images, a balanced composition of peace could come out. Straight from a dream.
Some things are best left undone, I have done them all. Well, not all, but by my standards I have. Look at it, where did it begin this downfall. True there was hardship way back then, but to be in purgatory is still better than taking the elevator to hell. Certain choices, they kept the elevator going lower and lower.
It all seems to be with the end of the exchange year. There, I learned to drink, coming back I perfected the art. Like all great artists, I lost myself in it. Not drinking, but the art of sorrow. Then too, it is okay. There was desperation to leave that place, when did I resign myself to it?
Then there was the girl. Waited many moons to meet her only for it to fall apart. It was a three day trip, originally meant to be spent in a hedonistic fervour with the girl but were instead spent wandering, drinking on the streets of an unknown city. Yes, I had come for lust, gripped by its novelty. I spent each day in a different hotel, making my way up to the airport. I hated Bangalore then- it is ironic I trapped myself here. Sure, it has become a liveable relationship, but so is Stockholm Syndrome. Let me not complain.
The last night, I smoked my first cigarette, drank my first Bacardi Plus, and lamented over the girl for the first time sitting on the pavement in the dark. It was the beginning of a vicious partnership with the three parties. I would do this often.
Then I left for Musoorie. I began to find shelter in my tragedy. In the hostel in Bangalore I saw weed crushed on the bed underneath mine- that night I left the hostel. I wonder what the reason was, was it morality? If it was, this would be the last act. With grief as an excuse, I would throw it all out.
In Mussoorie I learned to smoke weed. I ahd tried it before, but there was company, trusted company. Anything you do, the intent matters. If you are smoking multiple times a day with strangers who are fine with your young age, then something is a bit off. Looking back at it, it was a beautiful place full of people in their ugliest moments- or is it just me?
I kept on smoking much past the honeymoon phase. One day I would faint, hit my head on the ground, covered in vomit. I told myself ‘Hey, at least you know your limits’. Strange things we tell ourselves to justify strange deeds. I felt threatened often, those around me seemed exploitative, but where had I to go? How could I go home? The months between here and exchange had been excruciating, with the girl as my only vacation worth having. That too was taken away, there was a boyfriend yet I went. I was not with family, there too various troubles brewed. I ran away.
In Mussoorie I learned to be an addict. Yes, there were sorrows but here is when I chose to run away it would seem. Beyond this, alone in a palatial home full of pain. There were great parties, like the ones at the club where people go to forget their sorrow. Except, my home had become the club. I lived in it.
Poor diet, nights on the couch, porn got worse. Where else does one get the same quick affection if not women on the internet? The mechanism is exactly like that of when a man would visit a prostitute for comfort- only here the prostitute is not even real, and there’s always another one. A better one. So you jump like a damn monkey, caught in this cycle of looking for the best hit.
A heavy heart.
I ran man. What can I say? I ran, like a coward. I knew no other way. It felt so alone. Even now, this grief I carry comes out. I lost my mind, my favourite thing. I lost all that mattered, my drive, my goodness and my innocence. You may say all lose innocence. The natural mechanism for innocence lost is that you gain something in return- such as experience to deal with the world. Here, there is nothing. There is a difference between you losing your innocence for maturity, having the innocence taken away, and voluntarily handing it over.
I pulled myself into this world of hurt. Why? I do not know. I do not care. I am here now.
As addiction grew, anxiety and depression did too. Insecurity, anger and aggression. Fetish and pursuit. Still, there was hope. It came in form of good friends and teachers. Then this was lost too. Friends moved away, teachers left and I had to choose a college. Screwed it. Went to the wrong choice then dropped out, only to cower away from the right one. By now, the girl was in my life. Why hold on to someone who caused you pain? I don’t know chief. At this point, I can’t cite ‘Oh but she is a good person.’ She may be good, but is she good for you? Is she worth throwing it all away- yes. She was.
She was everything I wanted. Whether that want was based in just desire or addiction I know not. Yet, I dropped out with conviction. It was the first time I acted out, truly. The first time I chose to see what the unknown brings.
It brought hell. My God, it did. It brought more pain and addiction, but I fought through. You see, any choice you make you can find peace. However, to do so you must let go. To let go you need a clear mind, and mine was refusing to clear out. Multiple reasons, but a great one was porn addiction.
I do believe life would have been different, I never say this in respect of the current moment, but respectfully, it would have been better, had I never touched porn. Alcohol and smoking- that’s fine. It is still understood, and eventually I would have been found out. Porn, no chance. I’d sit in the backseat during family trips to watch it. I would desperately download videos as we wound through valleys, multiple videos to keep the ‘perfect hit’ searching brain occupied.
I watched deplorable things. I expected reality to reflect it. I could not look people in the eye. It became a ritual for sleep.
It hurts, that I never knew. I cannot believe that I had such an infection. I could feel the symptoms, but I could not diagnose it. This is scary- how do you fight an enemy you cannot see?
Well, it left me with baggage. Anger at the girl whom I considered the beginning of lust, is misplaced. Porn was there before her. This was a chance to make it real, but fate kept slamming the door. Like most men who objectify women from porn, I did not treat fate with respect. I broke the door down. I am sorry fate.
That’s what it is in a way no? Symbolically, fate/nature/chaos/feminine all are screwed over by porn. Sex is the most natural thing. Do any other drug, you can still have sex. People enjoy sex on cocaine, LSD, and alcohol. Porn is perhaps the only drug that strips you even of that natural thing. There is nothing human left about the man who is addicted to porn. He wishes for certainty each moment and loses his ability to deal with chaos, with women.
Deal with this disease. This will be the worst thing in the world, by a great margin.
Back to my story, that’s what happened. I guess, it all got so much I broke. Each factor was negative- a beautiful past I cannot go back to, an invisible future covered by a painful present, a noisy home, fighting parents, a brother fighting his own battles, a far away school, new people, a girl whom I could never have, an ill-formed relationship, complete freedom and money to drink and smoke, and a long standing porn addiction.
Honestly, it may be an unrealized miracle that I am here, with my mind intact and desire to do good slowly returning. So close I came, it scares me. Redemption.
There are parts full of hatred. I have experienced hatred for many things, it has conflicted with my ideal of love. This conflict has made me hate love itself, for if there were no love to stop it, my hatred could reign- instead I feel conflict and constrained.
Just as it is possible to love every single thing, it seems hatred is possible for the same as well. I have hated women, men, children. I have hated those who are happy and those who are sad. I have hated tyrants and that which brings about tyranny equally as I have hated the victims and innocence. I have hated the good things, for they will become a target for evil and thus suffer. In their suffering, I suffer, so I hate the shooter as much as the target for existing.
I do not belong with them. I do not belong with those who lay down their lives for love nor with those who beat their children out of love. I do not belong with the children who are innocent nor those full of sin. I do not belong with them because I hate belonging itself, labelling myself as much as I hate not having a place to belong to.
Where then do I belong truly, because something that is not there is here, and this here is still somewhere, otherwise I simply do not exist. Well, I do.
Then what is the point here? The point here is this, that which my hatred has manifested into aggression is to be channelised. I hate that world, I am in this world. Yet, to be in this world while I know the other exists is annoying. Yet, I do not belong there so I do not wish to go out party or be normal. I try, sometimes it works. Yet, there is a better way.
I know the strength of aggression. I know the weakness of humanity. I know I hate that it is weak, I wish I could love it. I also know others prey on this weakness, so let me gather that aggression for protection then. I am not part of them, they are good, and to harbour my hatred I must have the good, thus when something threatens that good my hatred is threatened, then that threat cannot be. If it is, then I cannot be. As I am hatred, just as Christ was love. My aggression pushes things, nothing has made me fuller than being aggressively good.
Some people are slow, they do not understand long term actions. I could sit and say 'Well, they have their freedom, who are you to step in?' I step in because if they do not get better, I have nothing to hate. I need goodness to survive.
So many times I have judged my hatred, but perhaps it only needs to be channeled. It is a force as much as love, only a negative one. It is in abundance too, imagine we could harness our irritation, our evils and our anger. What great things can be achieved. Instead, we neglect them. How will you run, when that which pursues is within?
I wish to be loving, if I am hateful then I wish to transmute it into love by hating everything. I do. I try to run from this, but I am not a great person. I have seen myself be violent, fearful and terrible. The worst part, I justified each minute of it. Now as I look back, I am anguished from the conflict- I wish to be loving yet I was hateful. I wish to hate myself for it, but if I wish to be loving then should I not love exactly that which prevents me from loving. Is that not the final test?
And so, this conflict has made me love hate itself, for if there were no hatred then my love could not reign- instead I feel relief and unstrained.