Lazy days

I set a schedule to wake up at 5, today I woke up at 830. It is a weekday, the schedule allows me to take a holiday on Sundays. As of 949, I am still in bed. I have conquered myself.

We often treat ourselves as our own enemies. Recall, as a child, you treated your parents as enemies yet now you may see the good intent. In the moment, a friend can become disguised as an enemy. The same goes with ourselves- maybe what we are doing is in reality good for us- but believing we are our own enemy makes us fight ourselves. It seems to me, that treating ourselves as our enemies should be done, but done in the correct manner. It should be done as one should treat enemies in life- by listening to them. If we do not listen to a person, we have already labelled them as someone not worth listening to. When we flog ourselves, when we continuously resist our impulses without understanding them, do we not tell ourselves we are not worth listening to? Instead of fearing enemies, change the definition of an enemy.

Today was wonderful, I am in bed but I am listening. I am in bed having eaten breakfast, taken my medication, done my required 3 push-ups. I have had tea, written my dream journal. Often, I equated being in bed to be laziness. No matter what. I have a tendency to go from order to too much order, eventually breaking myself. I continuously seek a shortcut to life- find a routine which suits you and do it each day, then your days will be good. Incredibly this does not work. The greatest problem arises when we beat ourselves. Honestly, the entire problem is fear. The solution lies in presence. Just be here.

Even as I type these words there is a voice that asks me if I plan to publish these thoughts. It fears judgement. Then another voice comes up, telling me that one should publish and be transparent. It reassures me that these words are true and the truth should not fear the light.

There are two ways to deal with conflict- be in the conflict or out of it. Being in conflict means you are an active participant. It means you have power and the ability to do something about the conflict. Then is the question- shall I use force to beat the other person or do this socially. Simple, no? If you are in direct conflict, take a step back and consider your options. If you believe there are no options, this may mean you have not understood the conflict well. This can be remedied by speaking and listening to a symbol of the conflict- your opposition. An example of an active participant is being the husband quarrelling with your wife.

Most often, we are not the active participant. We are the child of these parents. I mean this both literally and figuratively. You may discover you are not the active participant even as the husband- you may realise that your wife is at conflict with herself and so is lashing out. Here again, you have two paths- one of kindness or one where you resent her, tell her she is immature and that these are not your issues to deal with.

As a child too, we have this choice. I am guilty of often choosing the latter approach to my parents. It is more lucrative, this choice, when your patience seems to be not met with praise- ‘Oh what a wonderful child, he understands that his parents are flawed.’ A silly line, but one I have desired. We want to be recognised for our magnanimity. What a strange disguise- we try to be humble so we can be praised. Is it not better to outright declare our desire for praise instead of going to such extents? I too often do this- I want people to recognize my suffering. I would then be at conflict with myself- the part that desires praise and the other who wishes to be humble. Yet, these are lies. The part that desires praise tries to get this by humility, which is an outright lie. The part that is humble, if it were truly humble, would acquiesce to the part that desires praise. It would not fight, for to fight means you know you are righter than the other. This is one way to look at it. Some may feel to fight the good fight is the nobler explanation.

The truth here is the desire for praise. If I listen to myself, I sense the suffering. The recognizition I look for from others, maybe my inner self is actually asking for it from me. I can only intercept this if I am listening.

Okay, back to being the active or passive participant. If you are the child below the conflict, there will be fear. If you overcome this fear, then you will be above the conflict. To listen requires tremendous lack of fear. We do not listen, because sometimes we feel that to even hear someone else’s view out threatens our sense of self. This I have experienced, thus trust. I have noticed that some adults treat their parents fighting as a cute quarrel, while they may have as children felt the same situation was the biggest argument in their world. Both are true. The adult has security, and so is no more threatened. We are no more controlled.

I say this as today, when I chose to be in bed, I did so as the adult looking at his parents bicker. While parts of myself fought, I humoured them- knowing that at the end of the day they live in my house and I am in charge. I did the tasks which had to be done. It was a very cool experience- to not identify with the conflict. To know whatever happens will happen.

Sigh, I feel I no longer write coherently. I see my past writings and miss the clarity.

Right, as I sat in bed I watched two videos. One of them I resisted clicking on, as it seemed to threatened my sense of self. The self often has to die.

It spoke of relationships. I fell for each flaw- hoping my partner would solve my issues, fulfil my fantasy. I was manipulative without knowing it, because in manipulating the other I manipulated myself. It was like a relative turning you as a child against someone else. Again, when you become an adult you can see through their machinations. I hope to never fall for this again. It was a painful experience which has given me much guilt.

I ignored all the things I disagreed with. I guess, that relationship symbolised my relationship with this part of myself. I consider the idea of thinking my body is inhabitated by many spirits. I am only the house, the house owner is, perhaps, what Marcus Aurelius calls the ‘Rational faculty’. Everything else is just a guest. The guest who is a hedonist, another who is aggressive, another who is toxic, another who is depressive, one who is merry, another a cynic and many more. The house owner at first will admit all of them- just as I admitted all forms of friendships: ones with druggies, alcoholics, artists, good people. Oh, then the antisocial elements wrecked havoc in my house. I as the house, suffer. It takes some time for the house owner to identify the antisocial elements.

If you fear ‘what if you never identify the antisocial element’, fret not. Being a good person, would you go to a cafe which has a murderer? Similarly, the anti-social elements drive away to social ones. Badness drives goodness away. Eventually, there will come a point where you recognise your house is full of badness.

Then, I pray, your rational faculty has learned. You can drive badness out, but this needs strength. You are probably exhausted. I have learned- do not clean the house. Badness has a short attention span. You stop paying attention to it, it will leave. To keep away badness is easier that to drive it out. Just like never going to parties which have alcohol is easier than being in one and resisting it. Sometimes, the easiest way to put out a fire is to let it die out.

Once your house has emptied, your rational faculty knows better now. It will clean up the house. I think cleaning up the house means putting good things in it- exercise, sobriety, art and activity. This will attract good things and people. Throw out the alcohol, the drugs and all elements which are addictions. Addiction attracts addicts. Awareness attracts nothing- it is content.

Such has been my journey. I still fall prey to the antisocial elements. After my breakup, I engaged with a girl. There is little difference in the external and internal world. The greatest challenge of an empty house, of waking up and realising you have been living in squalor, is being there for some time. For example, I must live in this city for 6 more months. Here too, the challenge is to be still. It is like a quitting alcoholic- he will recognise the damage he has done. In the anxiety and stress that this recognition carries, he may once again turn to alcohol. This is how we relapse.

You will also learn the signs of relapse. Eventually, you will catch them. This will be the most exhilarating feeling. Then, it may be so that the mind will play tricks. It will ask you- is this really a relapse? Don’t you deserve a bit of fun? Then you will relapse again, learn again, and then never fall prey. The sign of life is not a lack of problems- it is the presence of newer problems. This is reflected in evolution- we never evolve backwards. The lessons which are properly learned will never go away.

My greatest question was this- how do I act? Do I never do anything or do I engage in things that will turn out to be mistakes? The answer is, you do not know what an action can result in. The fear is this- to become ignorant. Ignorance is a crazy state- you are fooling yourself. My fear was how do I know I am not fooling myself. The answer lies in awareness. Be here. It is incredibly difficult. I recommend reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.

Then the greater question you will face is this: am I, by rejecting the antisocial elements who are looking for a home, not being antisocial myself? Here are some responses:

No, by the logic of the greater good and your duty to the social elements, you are encouraging social elements by keeping them safe. Anything that threatens them should be kept out. Who gave you the power to judge? You are the house-keeper.

Yes, some elements may not truly be antisocial, but you are the lesser evil. Again, as keeper of the house, you are responsible.

Redirect the antisocial elements. This means to channel the dark self. For example some channel aggression by boxing.

Call them in, if you identify as the house, then being broken down means renovation. If you integrate your shadow, your house will be richer. You can attempt to understand these elements- for this you will need consent of your social guests. Else they will again leave.

Forget about decisions, let people fall in and out. This is in accordance to nature. You need a different level of non-attachment to be at peace with this.

What is correct? Again, you simply don’t know. On one hand you want a peaceful home, on the other hand life is change. What is social today will become anti-social tomorrow. So really, it depends who you are. One thing is certain and recommended, once you identify what you do not wish, believe yourself. Listen. Just listen. I don’t know what your issue is, only you do.

Today I learned that we ought to try framing our problems as mysteries. They may not be solved, but we still participate. Most of all, I learned that a great question to a question is ‘Who is asking?’. Identify who is asking, and in that you will find your answer.

For example, if the house is asking, then you are a bit crazy as houses don’t ask questions. But still, the answer is different. If the guests are asking, then keep the antisocial ones out. If the anti-socials are asking, then figure out how to integrate them (we have established that to listen to your enemies is a good first response) by understanding what they want. Negotiate with them. If the housekeeper is asking, then look to your sense of duty.

And so the human being is never static. Just as there is a part of me who wishes to wake up at 5, there is a part that wishes to stay in bed. Who is right, it depends. Currently, I celebrate the instance when I used my rational faculty to say:

It is a holiday, I am ill, I am not using my time in bed to do bad things. Just as a recovering alcoholic will learn to avoid pubs, he may begin to avoid all people altogether. But if he begins to feel alone, he must find balance. This balance comes with presence is what I have learned. I hope to practice this more.

Because remember, in this analogy we still do not know who the owner of the house is.