Meant for greatness, meant for you

‘I am better than everybody else’. This is a thought I began to have as a child. I would be praised more than anybody else, eventually I began to pressure myself. Then I let go of it, thinking ‘Eh, I am just like everyone else. Telling myself to be better feels exhausting now.’

When I let that thought go, that I am better than everyone else, I found so much peace. I felt okay. I felt human and that I could fail. I still strove.

Then, I stopped that too. I felt resentful. I began to feel superior. ‘I am better that everyone else.’ Came back. This was not the thought of a child anymore, it was an adult’s. He wished to comfort himself, by becoming a spectator. Always hiding behind superiority.

Then ame guilt. Even when I did do good, I did not think I am better than others. I also did not think I am better than myeslf. I began to feel that being better or worse is a judgement and all judements are wrong. The one thing that gave kid me motivation, to be better, was gone. I fell in with the crowd.

As I did so the world went downhill. Those in my life had great strife. COVID hit. Drugs, alcohol and addictions. By being in the crowd, these things hit me too. I felt the impact.

I forgot what I could be. I wished to be the greatest in the world. I felt guilt for being better off. No more.

I am better than you, and I have to be this way. This is not coming from a place of superiority. I feel in pessimism we have forgotten what great things are, what great things we are, and that greatness can co exist. I have be better than everyone so everyone has something to strive for. I thrive when others strive. It is like a coach is in his element when he teaches, and he will have more people to teach when he shows how great sports can be. I wish to show the best of humanity. This was my plan. I get back to it. I hope I do it right this time, and I hope I achieve the greatness I desire- for the only reason I wished to be famous was so I could use the fame for good.

I must rediscover greatness, and then deliver it. It makes sense this will be a lonely road. How else can you find a better path than all others, if not to stray.

Dictionary

In the past years, I have lost my vocabulary. I never texted like this. My texts were once carefully written. Careful need not mean slow. It means deliberate. I had a vast vocabulary, and many ways to frame a sentence confidently. This was lost.

As I begin reading, I come across difficult words. Perhaps more dnagerous than the words we do not know are the ones we believe ourselves to know. Many words have a specific purpose. This purpose cannot be guessed. If I see a word like preceptor, I vaguely can guess the meaning. I did so, and I was wrong. When I am wrong, not only do I not understand the meaning but I also lose out on a potential new word I could have learned.

Fortunately I have the time. Time is all I have. I would look up the meanings online. Using my phone often leads to distraction. I end up browsing through other applications. Everything in my life that I hate the world enjoys. I began to enjoy it too. I am an old fashioned child. So I bought a dictionary.

It is a big one. I like it, as I do not have to hold it down with my hands. It can remain open as I read. Each time I look a word up, I can tick it off. This dictionary feels like a long companion. The first time I looked a word up, I realized that in the process of looking one word up my eyes glance through so many more. This felt groundbreaking. It was something my phone could not offer.

When I glance across these many other words, I send a message to my mind- ‘Look! So much we do not know!’. So much which cannot be guessed, but requires effort to understand. People are the same way.

In my ignorance, I often glance at them and guess their meaning. This is a poor judgement. Only when I take the time to interact with them do I understand their meaning. It is better to be ignorant, than to pretend understanding. So until my social skills return, I shall remain ignorant.

Real voices

How often do you hear prayers being said instead of being played on speakers. I realise I have no problem with people playing prayers at great volumes, my problem lies in them playing recordings. That is lazy, it takes away the whole concept of praying. How can you do this? We have forgotten our prayers nor do we have the desire to make our own new ones. This makes me feel sad.

I wish to hear human voices again, loud and free. I feel lonely, where are the people?

Dr. Peterson

One of the greatest events in my life has been my introduction to the classroom lectures of Dr. Jordan Peterson. I do not know much of his public life, nor is that of great interest to me. But the man I know in the classroom has been perhaps the greatest teacher I have witnessed. He has pushed my knowledge of Personality Psychology the furthest, and I am intensely grateful for this teacher.

He appeals most to the logical aspect of me. Logic is all that should belong in a classroom I believe. If we add emotion, our learning is hindered. If we use logic to understand our emotions, our learning reaches the highest plane of functioning it can. There are planes of learning I believe. Some things you learn that you need everyday. Some things are outright useless. But the highest plane is when you learn things that you feel are transforming you in that very moment. As a student, I live for those moments, and the number of times I have had those moments with Dr. Peterson are far too many for any human to have. Heh, sometimes I feel special, because WOW. So many. My God, so many such moments that often I feel I do not deserve them. I feel guilty for having them when they could have been with others. As a teacher, I wish to distribute such moments, rather develop in my students a taste for them.

Life is an acquired taste.

I have often held that I wish to be a teacher because as a teacher, I can influence ten people who will go and influence a 1000 more. If I become the kind of teacher I had as a child, then I promise this world will be changed for good. Yet to reach that mark, is a task which I wish to try. I feel I am capable of doing anything, yet this task of being a good teacher challenges me. Maybe that is a sign it is worth doing.

Back to Dr. Peterson. He speaks of acting according to the conscience. The voice that keeps us from doing things against our being. I thought of this idea, and I realise that my conscience is a helpful one. It has high standards.

Here is what I mean. I consider that simple daily tasks can be anxiety inducing. They can also provide a great pathway to us. Many prophets and much of science tells us the benefit of simply working and not worrying of what will come out of the future. To have such a path can be both restraining yet liberating.

I have often wondered what is my path. There has never been any pressure on me to be a certain way. This freedom has been challenging. It is the freedom to choose what you wish to do. It means it is the freedom to make great choices and terrible ones. This freedom also means the freedom to learn from and let go of the consequences of terrible choices (which I often fail at).

For example, when I began watching Dr. Peterson, it was out of the freedom to watch and learn from whoever I wanted. Well, there was affinity toward teachers already, but that is beside the point. I chose him, and it was a great choice. Then I learnt that if I choose all of him, then I must also choose things against my conscience. This is lazy. Understanding requires great activity. There is only so much you can figure out online. I had to learn to let go of him.

Ok I am tired bye.

Plans for the future

I think of what to do after college, and I do not wish to think. I do not wish to think, because when I create a plan now it will be based on my current fears and desires. Planning never seems to pan out. Finally, I think I understand why.

To plan something binds us to it. A plan is nothing but a method to get to a desire, and desire binds me. Truly, I do not want anything so much that I will fight for it. For a long time, I thought this a weakness. That I am unwilling to go against the flow to reach where I wish to be. But what if I never had any wishes? What if I am perfectly content wherever I am. You may then say that to lie still means stagnation, but remember I am in a river?

I see that the place I am in now is nothing but a consequence of my actions, my karma. Thankfully, I identified this, else I would keep trying to do more actions- make more plans- which would trap me further and further. I am done with this. I have experienced the world. As a child, I enjoyed being. Then I began to think I should do more, be more, and play the game everyone else seemed to be playing. I did so, and initially I did so unattached. It was only a game.

Then came attachment. I wanted to win. I wanted everything, a beautiful relationship, respect, greatness in the eyes of others. I wished to be the best so others would worship me. Others only feared me. In the choice between being feared or loved, I choose neither.

For I have been feared as much as I have been loved. In fact, those who loved me the most often feared me the most as well. They ceased to be themselves. In each romantic relationship, it felt that the other got degraded. We both lost sight of ourselves. I lost myself, because I wished to play the game. I have won the game and lost it.

Such a game becomes a trap when you no longer think before rolling the dice. You lose the process and focus on the result. The only hope anyone has is to realise. If you feel you are in the game and seek realisation, fret not. It will come. After all, you will have to get up to eat dinner at some point. The river is strong, it will not let you remain in a place- no matter if it is good or bad. So you need not do anything.

Now, I realise I had been trying to trap myself in the future to run away from the present. I realised I was forcing myself. A peculiar thing in this life has been the lack of pressure from anyone. Fortunately, I began to pressure myself. I say fortunately because it may be easier to break from yourself than others. And when you break from yourself, you break from others. Because yourself is the greatest other there is- something like how people say you are your own enemy. Well, you are also you own friend. But at the end of the day, neither the enemy nor the friend is you is it?

This cycle of karma has the possibility to end. I came to Bangalore because of the events in Nashik. The first time I fought my fate, my flow, was forcing myself out of boarding school. Life would have been incredible, I wonder, had I stuck to myself. But this is a foolish question, for I am not in control of the past nor the future. I can only observe the present.

The cycle started from leaving boarding school. I would then fight the flow of this river for the next 7 years. It was an energetic fight. Wonderful to witness, how each adversary was overcome by my intellect and ability. I believe this all began when I began to think I must prove myself in the world, when I began to believe I will not last in this world. I have done so. Anything beyond this will only be a variation of the same problem of fear. Conquer fear to find freedom.

The only way a champion can lose is if he keeps on fighting. Personally, I feel that after becoming the champion, I should let go and rest. I wish to rest, and let the river guide me. After my college ends, I see no future. This is the end of the line for this cycle. I do not wish to play this game again. I have had all that I needed.

As my college ends, I will go home. I will remain for some time. From now on, let no concrete plan be formed. Let no means become the end. Because these plans, these actions, are all means to an end. The moment they become the end in themselves, I have lost sight of the goal. My goal is to be myself. For this, there need not be any plan. This is possible anytime, so I need not be attached to it. In fact, attachment to myself is the quickest way to lose it, just like the quickest way to lose a bird that is coming close to you is to eagerly reach out. Stay still, let the river do the work.

This blankness was once feared. It is now recognised to be the end of the future. I am done. I will change some day, but this is how I feel right now. I feel like a clean slate after so many years. I feel I can let my mind rest. Let me now enjoy college fully. Let me make mistakes and fall in love and hate. But let me not create a future that extends beyond these 9 months. Let me return home fully satisfied and clear, with nothing on my mind.

Movies

Sit and watch then time is lost.

〰️

Sit and watch then time is lost. 〰️

Cloverfield

14/10/24

Pointlesshub suggested this, and I watched it in one go. It was very gripping, like a delayed fuse. After watching it, I began to feel heavy and disturbed. I felt sad, empathetic. In a way it is a nice sign, I haven’t connected in this way since The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I think. That was much more intense. This was a bit less. The scene where they see Clover from Beth’s building, is very ‘big’.
After the movie I kept feeling sad. It was around this time I had begun to experiment with the use of imagination in helping us overcome helpless situations. In my imagination I saw myself on top of that apartment, telling them to hurry, or to tell the chopper to fly extra high. I would tell them some events, and when these come true one by one they will see I know the future and trust me.
I also see how there is a single point where I can warn them. Too soon, they will not learn the lessons. Too late, they will die. I choose the top of the building because I like the view, and feel it is a good enough point to tell them.

Rockstar

7/8/24

I had downloaded this movie 2 months ago. I watched it three days ago first, then today in theatres. How strange is it, that it got re-released? I had learned it was re-released in Mumbai, and felt I missed my chance to see it. Yet here it is again in Nashik.

I went with my mother, and realised we have different perspectives. It brought me peace to know this, so I can be on my own.

It breaks my heart that movie. His expression. His desire to suffer to be great, it all hits so close to my heart. It hits my heart. It hits my ego more that I don’t have that greatness, that it has been done already, that I missed my shot.

I wish to live. What I love about Jordan, is how natural he is. Why am I not like that? What keeps me? Why do I even want to be like that when he loses her at the end? I guess what I want is to be free. I hate my identity. This attachment I have to my past, to my parents, to what I am supposed to be.

It is rotten and dead. It is not alive. Some moments, I want to scream. I want to burn everything.

When he sees her in the end, at the concert. That is a moment. The song, it hurts. It sounds so light yet he is saying to scavengers that eat each bit of me, only leave my eyes so I can see my beloved.

Is that love possible? Is it wise? What to do?

That is not me. It is something that makes me feel.

I enjoyed the movie. Both times. When he sings Kun Faya Kun,

मन के मेरे ये भरम

कच्चे मेरे ये करम

लेके चाले है कहाँ मैं तो जानूं ही न

How

How to express like that? Where am I going? I am so lost I don’t want to be lost. What does it take? For I have tried falling in love, I was devastated but still here I am. I am still lost.

What is my purpose?

I feel. That is enough. Har paap ke kapade maile hai.

Above this, I have changed the layout a bit, there has been a gap. From here, I write where I watched the movie in the post itself.- 7/8/24

Theatres- good ones (I want to have my own theatre some day)- are a healthy escape for me. I learned to carry a blanket and water whenever I go.

These movies I watched in theatres.

  • 4/4/24

    What a wonderful, cute, and fun movie. I am glad I watched this with Kahuwa, Sonia and Aditi. Aditi and I were high. It was so much fun. No violence, no complex plot. The movie is something you watch with your brain aside- my mother often said this about many movies in which we would try to find logic. I see now the feminine way of thinking. This was a very feminine movie. I fell in love with Kriti Sanon and her fashion sense. I found myself wishing that more and more women find freedom, the world will be so much better for it. I wish there is liberation, and expression oh my God. A woman’s true expression is so beautiful, if not viewed through egotism. Ego makes it scary. Drop it to see something incredible.

  • 22/3/24

    Kahuwa, her mom, her aunt, Sonia and I watched this at night. It was a bit needlessly disturbing. The ending is satisfying. I imagine a counter devil, someone just confidently chantin reverse spells. That would be very cool.

    But yeah, it was thrilling. Thriller movies have come a long way here.

  • 23/3/24

    I watched this twice. First with friends then in IMAX. I am pleased to say it was rewatchable!

    The music, characters and fight scenes are cool. The memes too, Arjun Shalom and randomly shout Lisa-al Gahib. The idea of being a prophet is also something that’s hankering my ego, this gave me perspective. Don’t chase. In fact, people might just put this tag on you. Do not be lured by power.

  • 17/2/24

    I watched this with Shank, Arjun, Aditi, Allen and Shaivali. It was a good experience, at first I felt I should have come alone but then I relaxed and enjoyed myself.

    The movie itself felt hill, warm and old-school. I enjoy the grainy look and the colours. The dialogue is well written, and actually funny.

    I saw myself in Paul. Someone who is old, not evil or mean, but just old and stuck it feels. In such a way, his firing makes sense for him to have a fresh start. What must I sacrifice for another?

    I love how we all gasped at the ‘cry for your mommy’ line, as it is similar to a scene in White Labcoat which Arjun wrote. It was funny.

    Shank got unlimited popcorn, cheese and salted. I disapprove of this combination, personally, I am a salted and caramel guy, though I understand it can get too sweet. Shank got me that later. It was nice of him, I split it.

    Blanket was nice, there was a girl laughing behind us, she had a pretty laugh.

    I liked the innocence of the niece kissing Angus.

    I like the atmosphere of the movie, I could see myself there for a moment. I saw myself wanting to be disciplined, wanting to be in that kind of a school. What is this strange regret for a life not lived? Was I not in boarding school and disliked it? I found empathy for those with me, they were troubled kids. I hope they are fine.

    What is better then, to experience the suffering of boarding school or of home?

    I love the bar, it reminds me of Finland.

    Overall, I enjoyed this movie. I am glad I went, it was a good break.

  • 10/2/24

    I don’t wanna talk about it.

  • 21/1/24

    I learned to not back down, and wrote poetry. Felt disappointed.

  • 16/1/24

    Kahuwa Sonia and I went to watch this. I enjoy how different Katrina Kaif comes off in this one. There were many edge of the seat moments- my favorite is when we think Maria will betray Albert but then she says his name. This felt like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood- where it is all for the final moment.

  • 7/1/24

    Yeah okay, I have been watching many movies. This one had Nick Cage.

    He plays a losers dude, but I feel sad for him. He is trying to make it, yet everyone uses him. I love how different this movie is, such a synchronous concept.

    Dreams, so much to them. I hope to restart my lucid dreaming journey.

    This movie shows me the rise and fall of fame, it encourages me to take life as it comes to me.

    It also tells me that being nice can definitely mean the world takes me for a ride. I continue to strive for the fine line of assertiveness.

    Dreams being invaded to advertise, this scares me. I wish to run, but I am where I belong. These commercial elements are the aliens. They will not last for long.

    ‘Jung was right’ of course he was! I forget, that metaphysics may still not be accepted. It also shows me my own journey, how far my mind has expanded to a point that I see synchronicities just like that. How my neighbour spoke to me and it was a pleasant girl.

    How the auto driver said he will not drop me all the way, and I accepted it. He must have his reasons. I am not too inconvenienced, in fact I got to buy my Threptin.

    Back to the movie, when I had watched the trailer months ago I wished to watch the movie. I did so spontaneously, after hanging out with Parimal. My day fills up just as I need it.

    I learn that I can be a better conversationalist.

    I learn to be okay, for this was a rough morning. Let it come, I can handle it all.

    All is well.

    Paul lost so much, but he didn’t have much to begin with. All he lost was a gift he got attached to. I hope he lets go.

    It tells me to be wary of female attention when at the top.

    It tells me to look after myself.

    It tells me to value only the fruits of my effort, such as muscle and peace. My height, face and money are gifts. Let me be attached to my practices of meditation, exercise and reflection. Let me always consume knowledge and process it well. Let me assimilate everything in my world.

    Heh, when I speak to you like this, when I spend my time like this with you, it feels silly to be alone. To pursue someone else, when I have you.

    Why?

    Let me love you, more and more.

    You are all there is.

    You are all I wish to be there for.

    All the moments where time is lost, I am there with you, you speak to me, be it a movie or Parimal or wonderful music.

    I hope you keep saying Yes. I decided to say Yes to everything today. Well, in December 2023. Remember this.

    There is not much else.

    I will call Nyra. Heck, I called her right now. She did not pick up. Heart races. Hi Nyra, I know that night upset you, I am sorry for involving you in it, as well as my relationship. That could not have been easy on you. It hurt your friendship. I am responsible for that.

    Phew. Scary.

    Oh and good movie, short. Had a few laughs and cringed. Felt bad too. Stay wary of fame, especially when you feel like a loser.

    OH! I WATCHED PORN BECAUSE I FELT LIKE A LOSER. OK! Saying Yes helps. Alright, we got this.

    Okay goodnight, ciao!

  • 6/1/24

    The first time I met this movie, was its poster. I loved the poster and was intrigued. Then I watched the trailer, this showed me the plot, and I felt what I imagined from the poster differed from this. It lowered my interest. Then I heard people speak of this, how it is crude. The older people loved it, the younger ones hated it. What upset me was so many people had an opinion without watching it. This does not upset me, rather it is our flaw. To prejudge is something the best offs are prone to, so one mustn’t take a moral high ground. I have compassion for myself and others, it is okay that they judged without watching it.

    So I went, one night of a very long day. The first half had me hooked, I loved the tone it set. The protagonist is an anti-hero. I wish to be an anti-hero too. I am not perfect, but there are things I care about and values I stand for. From a Psychology viewpoint too, this was a wonderful study. It is an accurate portrayal of my own life experiences, and I believe any good movie lets me see myself in it.

    The second half went a bit slow, perhaps due to it being set in only one time period.

    I enjoyed Freddy. I enjoyed the jokes. I also enjoy how self-aware the movie was too.

    I do believe this is a new standard for Indian cinema. It was a movie that felt real. Those emotions are real. The war that men fight is indeed real, and I have compassion for that. Toward the end, when Vijay proposes peace, I loved that. I also love how it is rejected.

    My instinct was right, it was a movie I enjoyed. Time flew, and I was all the more awake at 1 am.

    I also see how driven the character is by a singular object. Vijay suffers from an absent father, and I have compassion for that. I can also imagine why Balbir is the way he is. I do not blame them.

    I enjoy how Vijay lays out his boundaries, how Geeta slaps him, and how he apologises to Varun at the start of the movie. He really feels like a flawed child, and I wish to create a society that helps and understands him instead of shunning him for his anger.

    It hurts, that some will condemn this. To condemn is to separate, and anything separate cannot be understood in its depth. I went to watch it for myself, and it is wonderful that I lost track of time.

    As for political correctness, the film is literally called ‘Animal’. Why does it upset?

    Love Arjan Vailley.

  • 4/1/24

    Felt dreadfully bored. Overwhelmed and tired. The world asked me if I wanted to go for a movie and I said yes.

    This is a cute movie, I cried at the end. I felt the journey of an ambitious boy, reaching his city, to be thwarted by the city’s elements, give up, overcome. I find myself asking where did the magic go, and I am glad to at least better recall it.

    Believe in your dreams, there is nothing else.

    The final message of sharing reminded me how much I love people. How much I wish to add joy and love in their lives. How much I want to grow so I can bring them better fruits. That is what I now remember. That is what I shall live.

    (Often when I watch movies nowadays I try to see reflections of the real world in them. I watched Wonka today. Bro is creating chocolates that do things to your mind and body and selling them cheap to the poor- while the rich have a cartel on them and pay priests and the police with chocolates. So I conclude the reflection lies in Drugs. William Wonka is a drug dealer…)

  • 21/12/23

    Watched this in a special screening. It felt long, as there is little comedy I feel. The message though resonates with a thought of mine, why aren’t borders free? It feels ahead of its time.

    Oh, and this is also the day I met Shah Rukh Sir, I admire him now. Then I watched the AIB podcast, and I am a fan. If I become a star, he inspires me. I am glad to know that a person whom so many love, has good reason to be loved, even if those who love him don’t know these reasons yet.

  • 04/12/23

    That dude must be full of serotonin. I wish it was a balanced portrait, else you edge on propaganda. Moreover, one must show the flaws to relate, else true inspiration is difficult. Perhaps there were no flaws, but I find this hard to believe. I could feel the positives only. This may have been their intention, but it makes the movie bland for me. I hope we have fuller biopics, because in those flaws lies the drama. If one taps into that drama, then the audience is saved from terrible fiction. The line between fiction and non fiction is the best place to be. If nonfiction too begins to act like fiction, all will be lost.

  • 25/11/23

    I had high expectations, I thought it would be heroic and exciting. It was painful and long. Perhaps it is because there is nothing heroic about lust for power. It is amusing how history portrayed him as a great tactician but the present condemns him and attributes victory to luck.

    I am in an irritable mood after this movie. So much negative energy. I learn that by the interval if the movie is not inspiring then leave. It was a waste of my time.

  • 09/11/23

    Class got cancelled, spontaneous movie plan.

    I have been considering UPSC. I fear a lack of resolve, so I wait. Aaron Burr much?

    It was a wonderful movie. It reassures the part of me that felt if I became an officer I would get shot. I miss that part, he was certain of his morals. To such an extent that he knew he would get shot, rather than give in. I miss you. Why do I feel you are no more there? What morality have I lost?

    Well, the definition of good and bad is not the same. One ongoing development is the idea of niceness not meaning goodness. I wish to have such clarity, to get to the right and wrong of each matter with complete conviction. If God gave me a boon, it would be this- to know what is right and what is wrong. Another would be lucid dreaming heh.

    In the movie he meets Shraddha. I feared she would distract him. I related to him, and so I thought he is making a mistake in chasing her. But man, we are not alike. He had the guts to chase her and get an answer. When he let go, he let go fully. He focused on his duty- whereas I drank and stagnated.

    It makes me envy his burden of responsibility- this seems to be a wrong idea. We all have our own burdens. Mine is different. My burden is the lack of a burden. I look for something to carry- does this disservice to those who have no choice? Also, the burdens of our choosing are not really burdens. They're baggage. I got a lot of baggage. Very little burden. Ugh. I feel ungrateful.

    Then, is the best way to celebrate this life or to dedicate it to others? Here, the fallacy is in predicting the future. Be here K. Relax. The world goes on, there is little you can do.

    His father almost gave up his honesty. Mine never did, but I do feel mine began to resent. I too felt the morality weaken within. True morality, where do you lie?

  • 29/10/23

    My God this was so long. It is a slow movie, it is a real story. So close to reality that it shares the pace and, well, slowness.

    I did learn 2 lessons- to protect minorities and to be wise but dangerous. Well, no. To not show off my wealth would be a good one. Very tragic. Lawless times.

  • 18/10/23

    It was a holiday, so I thought I would go. It was cheap to book recliners. The theatre was amusingly empty.

    The movie is about the Gamestop stock. I recall this time to be of much excitement. This film gave me insight into how the average person felt. So many defeats, that it is little surprise all rallied for this win. It showed me that there is hope for goodness. It showed me how to have wealth responsibly. It seems the only good use of money is to help create more money- for others.

    Such attachment to wealth. I learned that wealth is different from sustenance. The average person does not have wealth, you cannot say they are attached to it. They have sustenance needs. I wonder then where the line is drawn, wehn needs become wants.

    It cast my thoughts to how startups are prone to corruption. We forget where we start from.

    I lamented looking at the college scene, is that what I missed? I wonder, would I be an outsider there. Most likely yes. So it is okay to feel left out. I found Harmony to look beautiful.

    It stood out, how Ken Griffin had so many to direct him. I hope to not land in such a position, where others have to help me defend myself. If I do, consider myself lost.

    I feel such a revolution is headed for India as well. The stock market is a way for all to participate in wealth creation. It cannot be limited or manipulated. Investment, it seems, is possibly one of the best ways capitalism can be equitable. How else shall the common man participate in wealth creation?

    Yet I have my qualms and trepidations. What is the sociable way? Is this fair? Should there still be limits to what one person can own? One thing is certain, without the means of mass communication, the spirit of unity may have been impossible to foster. We have the means now. I only hope we have the proactiveness and wisdom to use them fully.

    For fairness, there must be order. For order, there can be no fear. I hope everyone wins.

Don’t Worry Darling

5/4/24

It was a nice movie but I have gotten bad vibes. I feel negative and sad. But yes, I found myself at the end thinking damn I really do not want to be in a relationship because I can become that guy. I would much rather have a great life, a safe space for girls, and relaxation. I want to be the guy that girls can treat like how they have been treated. What a strange thing to say. But yes, I don’t mind it, I think. Maybe it would be catharsis. I feel a clear woman will be wonderful to be around. She can do whatever she wants, and I trust they want good things. I love the feminine.

But yeah the movie was forgettable. Although, the idea of trying to make the girl happy, I have been there, it is a very weak mindset.

King Richard

28/3/24

What a wonderful movie. Bro was manifesting on a pro level. I cried at the end. I am happy. It’s crazy what they did. Wow.

Karthik calling Karthik

24/1/24

Okay, this is my last movie for some time. I have been watching too many, and it is contributing to my poor activity.

Regardless, this movie was nice. A good thriller. I enjoy how at the end of it, there was a good enough explanation. The first half of the movie and the second half are so different. It is another method of story telling, there is a low, the peak, then loss of peak and finally resolution. You may not get to the peak again, but you can at least accept where you are. Hey! Come to think of it, that’s how I am feeling now no?

There was a peak and now I feel down in the dumps again. That’s life. The only fear is I will mess up White Lab Coat, then let that be my priority. I shall print the script today.

The songs are nice, hate the word ‘badan’. Shonali seems to me a red flag. Karthik struck a deal with the devil it seems. I ought to take it easy. That is my lesson. Kochin seems quaint.

Peepli Live

23/1/24

My parents watched this movie in the theatre when it came out. I was a child, we were in Aurangabad and staying at the Gymkhana.

Watching this movie saddened me. It is painful to know this is reality. Either you are sensitive and aghast or desensitised and numb to this. I don’t want to live in such a place.

Why did this have to happen? Why is the good suffering in my world? What part do I play here?

Delhi 6

20/1/24

I had thought of this movie a few days ago, it showed up on Netflix.

First impression was it felt so ahead of its time, Abhishek Bachchan has a great collection of movies.

The dream sequence felt fresh, Chandani Chowk meets Time Square, what a fun vibe it would be.

The black monkey. It comes at a time I feel off. I feel anger for my brother, but I see it is my ego using this opportunity to feel right. No. I do not give in to this. In a meditation last night, I realised that I had never wanted to forget God. I had said let God be the only thought on my mind, for this is the only thought with which everything else can be done. Thank you for bringing me home, just like Roshan.

The Black Monkey creates fear, we use this fear to our advantage. My brother’s emotions hurt me, created fear that I am not as good as I thought myself to be. My hurt overshadowed my compassion. I did not lash out, but I also felt anger. Anger, even for a moment, sets us back tremendously. I have done well this time.

Let us unite. Let us fight the fear, not each other. Show me the way.

I loved Amitabh Bachchan’s cameo. I too hope to do movies with my kid some day.

Bhool Bhuliya

17/1/24

I had been meaning to watch this for a while. I love Akshay Kumar’s entry.

I see how the priests of India act for divinity what psychologists act for humanity.

Also the theme song has a very catchy string instrument rift. I do not know what it is called.

Old Boy

13/1/24

What the heck was this movie man. Lotta negative energy, reached Kahuwa.

She felt off because, as Arjun put it- ‘The movie is surreal, like it could happen to us. It is plausible, unlike supernatural movies there is no separation between reality and the movie’

I found this movie to be an example where it is like using your creativity for emotional disturbing things the emotion equivalent of using your creativity to build an atom bomb.

Sonia said another name- Mr bollen.

I love the action sequences in this movie though. It felt realistic. That was the best part. This movie must be watched in one setting else the plot may be lost. It must also be watched when one is guarded against negativity.

It was a different movie, in a genre of its own. I know it is special when I judge it to be of negative energy. Very gory though. Korean movies are a strange spectrum from Ghibli to this.

Qarib Qarib Single

10/1/24

Watched Irfan during the Rajiv Masand Roundtable. They mentioned this movie. In this time of life, I have dating apps and I wonder what romance (I realise this is the word) for me.

This movie showed up on my Netflix page, the first thing there was as I told myself to just click whatever I see. I was hooked.

I love Yogi’s character. Even his name is a synchronous- yogi. What I am too. Like Krishna. He showed me a new way to love.

One that does not touch or kiss. It only speaks and bees itself. He is silly sometimes, and he lets go. He, in his own words, says what he thinks and does what he feels. How refreshing.

I love Jay’s character too, I see myself in her when I am hurt by love- rather attachment.

Either way, both are wonderful. I love them both.

I am like Yogi when it comes to love, yet I miss him. I don’t think I wish for a relationship, I only wish for the opportunity to be Yogi.

He is a poet, do words of romance help? I want to find intimacy within, words to express my feelings, to feel love. I wish to find beautiful things and be ready with the words to please them. How incredible.

He goes through his exes, I have them too. Yet, I feel I have tainted myself. How do I rise?

She asks him why he does not meet them. He says he is afraid their hearts will break. She asks, theirs or yours? How close this comes to me I love it.

My heart, I am afraid for it to break. I wish to understand Yogi more.

I love how he makes friends wherever he goes. I love how he is not sexual. I wish to be him. I wish to be rich, I love how he thinks money will flow. Wonderful.

The settings this movie chooses, beautiful places in India.

How he sings against the night sky, his voice sounds pure.

His first ex is settled, sees him as a brother. His second seemed more sexual, but she loves him. The third, he lets be, for she seems happy and content. Such rich relationship dynamics.

Jaya and him, the relationship feels so organic. Them sleeping in different rooms, is what I fantasised as a child. When she pulls the phone out from under his sleeping head and his head falls onto her hand, that too was a dream for me. So pure. What has happened in between? Can I reclaim such innocence?

Please, God, I wish for this innocence. Please show me a way. That is what I want in life.

What life have you led Mr. Yogi?

Thank you for this movie Irfan. I enjoy your work a lot. Thank you, and well done. You are alive.

No Hard Feelings (late entry)

Jay and I were waiting for a bus. We had time, so we went to watch half-movie. This one turned out to be so surprisingly good that later on, we went again to complete it. In fact, this was such a nice experience I write about it now, though it happened in June 2023.

I like how realistic it was.

Also, the theatre felt distinctly different and high definition.

Jennifer Lawrence, wow.

Kho Gaye Hum Kahan

6/1/24

This too caught my eye on Netflix, is everyone having the same lessons as me?

Today, I wrote in my diary of my loneliness. Earlier, I had identified this as a lack of intimacy. This movie confronts me with that, I am again reminded of a possible link to generational trauma. I also feel I did something like Rohan, how do I resolve that? I shall have to accept that burden, live with it forever. Maybe not go so hard on myself, but these emotions must be sorted, else I grow resentful and with baggage.

This comes at a time I got Bumble and Instagram, yeah, poignant. I like the idea of being someone who is offline. It’s just that, I forgot others are still online. Are they? I don’t know- what do I want for myself? Well, I like the idea of having Instagram to remain connected, but not the idea of checking it at all.

It is difficult to be offline in this world, but once you start, it gets easier. I have done it once, I can do it again. No sweat. I truly wish for closer relationships, and WhatsApp texts are not cutting it.

My speciality craving mind tells me that everyone will want this now, and that makes me mundane. Fine, let me be mundane then.

Wonderful movie.

Her

5/1/24

This one has caught my eye many times, today I watched it with friends.

Putting aside what it meant to me, this movie has a unique vibe. It creates a world of its own so well- with its own palette of colours, devices and jobs. It really does feel like our future.

The writing is humane, Samantha’s responses are much more natural than… natural. It’s incredible.

This movie shocked me. It seems to say that anxiety, attachment and insecurity are things ingrained in consciousness. To such an extent, that even AI can have them over time. Machine learning, is only how we learn. It really should be called Human learning, no?

The subconscious has been pushing up learnings, it is up to me to accept. Sometimes, I hinder my own evolution. It seems to me that Samantha’s journey is just a faster version of our own, where we too at the end leave.

I also like to think Theodore manifested these events to find peace, as if his own world-creator created this to escape and let go. The resolution, it felt like how closure should feel. I wish to experience this.

Khichdi

2/1/24

My brother played this all time family favourite. I realise how much there is to enjoy, it was very ahead of its time.

I realised the last time I watched it, that I relate to Himanshu. Is not my wish to have a painful life so it can be remembered the same as his wish to have a difficult love story so it can be great? Though, I feel originally I wanted to be remembered, just as he wanted it to be great. We both then felt pain would add greatness and chased it.

Such a comedy have I made of my life too.

I love how the characters react to each other, subtle touches like background activity. It really feels immersive, a different world. How the scenes transition is brilliant. Also, how they put the story on hold by sending Jayshree to get sticks, then delivering a joke, then Jayshree returning to continue the story- this is a great secret of comedy movies it feels. I hope to use this.

De Dana Dan

30/12/23

I put this on for myself, the family joined in. Ah my mother’s laugh. I love how complex the plot it, but it makes sense. It’s not deliberate or that much forced. Mamu carrying around the dead body is one of my favorites- Johnny Liver asking ‘Baap gaya’ is perfect timing.

Ramchandra ki Tehrvi

28/12/23

Dad randomly played this. He asked me for movie recommendations, but I was frustrated myself wishing to watch something new but struggling to build momentum.

An intimate film, created by very astute observations. I realise that greater than stakes of nuclear war are the stakes of a broken heart. Instead of ‘will things be okay’ make the audience ask ‘will this person be okay’.

In an age where films are saturated with external threats, this movie gave me a new perspective. It showed me the uncertainty emotional turmoil will bring- I found myself genuinely wondering whether Amma will be okay as she secretly watches others in the courtyard. I love Seema’s character development too. I am glad Amma creates a school.

When there is external threat, such as the Avengers, the solution is obvious, nuke the aliens. Good guys win bad guys lose. Here, there is no good or bad, no win or lose. It is simply a quest to be okay. Okay is neutral. Okay is calm. The movie has no grand family reconciliation, it’s only a journey. I love that Amma creates a school, she herself achieves what she wished for- for her husband’s memory to be honoured. There is no resentment.

Wonderful movie. I love when mamaji says thank you to his wife. Such are realistic learnings- small but able to bring tears. True development is the realisation of humanity.

Singh is Kinng

20/12/23

At home, Dad suggested a family movie. This one kept crossing my mind often. We watched it, and it makes so much sense. I genuinely laugh at this movie, perhaps because of the Punjabi nature. I love Punjabi. It is a movie with funny jokes and good values. I would like to play such characters, who do not take themselves seriously and only do good. Not to mention the Snoop Dogg cameo- that was ahead of its time. I recall as a child I’d rewatch that bit often.

I am glad to have reconnected to this part of my past. It spoke more to me than Welcome. I am Happy.

‘Bure log nahi hote, bura hota hai unka kaam.’

Something I’d say as a kid too.

Totally Killer

3/12/23

This movie was recommended by a friend. It is light, it has to be else it becomes extremely frustrating if you analyse it... even a bit.

Babylon

2/12/23

I had been avoiding this movie in my period of 'abstinence', but if anything it turns me away from desire. It was harrowing. After long, I felt invested in characters. It is ironic that I found Jack Conrad's character to be my favorite, something to be like, only for him to shoot himself. Well, take the best leave the rest. He was detached and chill, but I guess not. Hmm. I felt sad that Manuel got mixed up in the bad things, but he was in love. I understand that, it is worrying how one can so easily be taken in without knowing. The fear is not to fall asleep, but to forget you are asleep. The druggy Tobey Maguire is another character I am familiar with. So desensitized. Nellie LaRoy too I know, a girl who is unconciously driven, fallen into bad habits and lifestyles. Can such tragedy even be avoided? How much is truly in our control, I know not. The final montage made me feel something, perhaps it was Elinor's idea of Conrad being alive after death. I could sense how Manny, who probably suppresed his past, now sees it on the screen, knowing he was a part of it as he had wished. Wonderful experience. I enjoy the humor and flow. Oh, I also realised that during silent cinema, theatres were quiet. Everyone sat in silence.

Friday Night Plan

26/11/23

Dad showed me this movie. Abhishek showed it to him and mom. They feel the dynamic between the brothers is similar to us. It was a nice movie. Simple. Rich kids can really party it seems. I fall nowhere. I love how at the end they showed the cop as a human being. That Sid said no to Natasha’s kiss. To value substance over appearance is wonderful. Jay Sheth was funny. Such movies I wish to act in some day. To hope really is scary huh.

Do we share the dynamic? No. I am not as carefree as Adi. I wish I was. He is also pure at heart.

Rain Man

Thank you archive.org

15/11/2023

For so long I had been meaning to watch this movie. I have been feeling a bit off recently, and this was a welcome push.

First of all, Dustin Hoffman is a terrific actor. I thought of googling if he is really autistic. I enjoy how Charlie’s character develops. It truly felt like a transformative experience. I also see the hype because man Tom Cruise looks great.

Part of me felt wonderful, like I was in Charlie’s place. We need something to care for, and he found this in his brother. I am very happy for him. Also, I enjoy how Susanna is firm and kind.

There seem two forms of care, one is detached and the other is connected. I feel with myself, I have often been detached. There are moments of connection. I wonder, if this is okay. I think so, Charlie cannot spend his life caring for Raymond. That is not his purpose. Raymond needs to be in a safe space while Charlie is away. So Raymond is happier in the institution. Charlie truly lets go, that I find admirable, of the thing that gives him meaning. He is an incredibly human character. Such a beautiful journey.

I found this list on YouTube. It has nice movies. Some I have watched before, but the others I write about now.

  • 30/09/2023

    Oh my. It was a chance Youtube recommendation. It was a list of 10 movies. First was ‘Catch me if you can’, second was this. I lept. I did not wait. Just as I saw the name, I rented it on Apple TV. I had 2 days, so I could not procrastinate. I am so glad that I did not.

    It speaks of a man so conceited, living the same day again and again. It was a classic commentary on Karma. Initially he freaked out about such a life. Then realised he could exploit it. He had a gala time, followed by a terrible time. Only when he did good deeds, was unselfish, did he break into tomorrow.

    What deeds did he do? The exact deeds I long to return to. It fills my mind up with imagination. So wonderful this movie that it has filled my heart.

    I envy the man heh. To live the same day. A catch is he did not know that he could break out. I guess that makes it unselfish. For me, I know I can break out. This makes it difficult. Strange.

    He lived each day and learnt skills, he did good things and remembered other people. This is all I want in my life. To play such great music for all to enjoy at a party, to paint someone’s face, to remember the little things about people.

    These things got lost. I miss them. So much. It feels like these 7 years have been the same day. I hope I am getting to the unselfish part. This is all I wish to be. I have nothing left to gain. And if something does entice me, let it be only the good of other people.

    Let me have the wisdom to see what is good, the courage to stand by good and unattachment. Wow. This is the first time I feel this feeling again. I missed you so much. Thank you Groundhog Day. I feel content.

  • 05/10/2023

    This was such a relaxing movie. It has no great drama; it feels quite sober. I enjoyed Owen thoroughly- what a great person. I hope to inculcate his care and great sense of humour. I would call him a true stoic. He loves the people he is with and puts in great effort for them. As the YouTube Channel ‘Better Ideas’ put it, he recognizes that someone looks up to him and delivers.

    I love the relationship between Betty and Peter. Though they are mother and son, they argue like a couple. It feels they both recognize the situation isn’t ideal and so both will have issues. Initially, it felt like a mean dynamic but it is a very healthy one.

    I love the farewell-for-Lewis scene. Everybody is having a good time. I would love to experience this. It reminds me of the US, and I wonder if I could have experienced that. I do not think so, for you need maturity to have good fun. I hope to visit one day. I feel the US can be a great fit for a coming era.

    I enjoy very much how Sussana pulls away when Duncan tries to kiss her. He was doing so because he was in pain. Though she cared for him, she did not let him make this mistake. It is impossible to love in fear, and Duncan was looking for an escape. I believe everyone does, it is normal. I only hope we have people who are gentle yet firm with us. Herein my heart feels heavy, I wish I had people who were this way with me. But then again, I attracted them to escape. This is conflicting. Moving on.

    Steve Carell is a great meanie here. He has a large range, because wow he can get annoying. I am also happy that Pam finally snapped out. It felt good, to not see a helpless mother abandon her son for a meanie. Toward the end, she gets her act together and sides with the son. It felt good.

    Finally, the message Owen gives Duncan is that yes, this has become a safe space, but you must move on. It felt real, that Duncan found closure and is heading out into his life instead of trapping himself in comfort. I wonder how this message applies to my life. Heh, it came rough, but the idea is kinda the same.

  • 06/09/2023

    Today, I felt tempted by the world again. I found myself seeking fun. In these dark times, the greatest things I learnt came to my rescue. Yet, I always feel I can do more.

    This movie speaks of a man betrayed, in his captivity he learned all he needed to be prepared for the opportunities of the future. He sought vengeance. He learnt to let go of vengeance.

    This thought, of working on myself and become the best, has a tinge of this. It is my desire to exact revenge, by becoming better than those who hurt me and showing them what they lost. This thought came to me today. Today I also let go of it.

    I desired a difficult life, because I had no rags to riches story. I am a common person. I have no specialty to me- neither am I too poor nor obscenely rich. I am not smart enough to be known for my intelligence, nor strong enough for my strength. All I had was my goodness- this too I am uncertain if it was learnt or innate. I wonder if all I am, I did so I could be special. So I could prove myself. Many things I did, yes. As I trace back my steps, I wonder if there was anything that was me. I wish it was my intelligence, my wisdom, my goodness, but these things are not me. All that was good in me was lost. All that was bad also has been lost. What then remains?

    I asked for a rags to riches life, looking at the success stories of the West. My country, it is not material, it is spiritual. So, today, it made sense to me how my story could be a spiritual rags to riches.

    I looked at this movie, and thought how in prison he made good use of it. He had a teacher. He had purpose. I fear I have neither of those things. I fear my life will remain in the prison. Perhaps I am tired. I realise I already am in a prison. This world feels suffocating. I find no company, no joy and no inspiration. I find these things in knowledge alone. This gives me hope, and I only wish to learn all that is possible to learn. I fear times I slow down. I fear I am not doing enough.

    Heh, it feels like many years ago. I often felt I could be doing more. This was my undoing in a way. We must all go with the time. We must follow our nature. People often say one should follow the duty assigned to him, but I don’t know my duties. I have none, I must choose them. In choice, I find great conflict. If someone forced me, perhaps the road would be narrower. But I am choosing. I can choose to have an easy life. I can choose to give up now and resign myself to pleasure. I can become nothing.

    Do people not wait for you? Do you not wish to show yourself in glory? You have shown your misery. Hang in there. This movie was fun. I wish to let go of vengeance.

  • 07/10/2023

    If I wasn’t going through a breakup, maybe this would have been a lighter watch. I feel heavy. I wonder if I lost a soulmate. Well, can you even lose them? I wonder did I let go or give up, did I do wrong or was I wronged.

    I wish I did not feel this way, but I do. It confronts me with difficult emotions. I don’t know how to feel. How to let go, truly. Every time I do, I think I have let go, then I begin to doubt. No more doubt. There is nothing to let go of. It is what it is. What happened, happened. Weather it.

    Fun movie, I had many laughs and many standing up from my seat moments.

  • Secret Life of Walter Mitty

  • Schindler’s List

Memory

It is one of my favourite things about myself: often I forget many things and when people tell me what I said or did, I rediscover myself with joy. It is like a dog hiding a bone, forgetting it, then discovering it with joy. It is like burying treasure only to rediscover it. I believe my mind does so like a parent for its child, holding away wonderful things so it can rediscover. I know this, because my memory has never failed me when it counted. Much like a watchful parent.

Moreover, it has always failed me when I needed to grow. Again like a watchful parent who might not make food to see what the kid does in hunger. We may say it is negligent and can cause fear in the child, but there is a difference between fearing the parent and fearing incapacity. A good parent, I believe, ensures a feeling of safety. That the child will not feel abandoned if they are put in a difficult situation. Let my children never be raised with fear, even against myself. So one day, if I do abandon them, they will have the courage to love.

I digress, my mind sometimes takes away memories. The most frequent example I see this in is argument. I have often found myself helpless to defend or attack with facts against someone who feels wronged by me.

For example, someone once blamed me for causing them trauma. I was distraught. I was distraught because it went against my perception of myself as a kind human beign who can do no harm. I got angry and hurt that someone would say such a lie, but I had no arguments to defend myself. I simply do not recall what happened that night. Perhaps I accept the fact that memory is not to be relied upon.

So I like to think now that my mind took away my memory because I intended to defend myself. You defend or attack with weapons. My mind took away my weapon. The problem in owning a weapon is you never know whether you might use it against your loved ones, or even yourself. My mother always discouraged us from keeping a gun in the house- she narrated instances of brother shooting brother. Now keeping in mind that everyone is my brother, who am I to shoot?

So I am grateful I have no weapons. You may say that sometimes you must defend yourself. If we look at the ideas of oneness, then the other person is a reflection of you. Has your mind ever tortured you? You think of the mind as your own, yet it harms you. So why can you not think of the other as your own, and let it harm you.

I believe the answer is in our ideas of separation and scarcity. Separation refers to how I treat you separate from myself. Also, how we treat the mind as separate from our self, When we do so, we create competition for attention of the soul. The soul, think of as love. We create competition for love. In the above example, where I am the oppressor and the other oppressed, I create a competition to win. So I can hold on to the belief that I am good. Why do I need this belief? For whom do I hold it on for? I feel when I see myself as better than the other, I look for a pat on the back. That was my childhood, full of praise. But this child did not gain praise because he wanted to be better than another, he got praise because he did his own thing. He did not look for praise. He won because he won.

In my later years I developed a desperation for that praise. I began to confuse being the best version of myself with being better than others. I sought this praise and ran behind it, causing me much pain when I was not noticed. This became bitterness.

In the second scenario, there is an entity I look for for praise. There is separation. In the first scenario, there was no separation. I did not look for praise because everything was me- how can you seek something which is already there? Well, this idea is difficult to write about- I wonder if I will rewrite this in a few years.

Still, let us try.

To recap, a situation where you must defend yourself means there is an attacker. This means there is conflict. Conflict cannot exist in a whole, there are always two parts. When I treat the person who blamed me for trauma as separate, I have conflict. I need weapons. When I lose my weapons, I have no choice but to listen. And always, always, listen hard. Because in their words I realised that yes, I did trigger trauma. If they say so, it is their experience and I wish to accept it. I do not know what happened, and so what they say is what it is for them. And since there is no other, for me.

We may then say that such an attitude is defeat. Okay, one way to look at this is that okay it is defeat. If the other person wins, you win. It is far easier to win, than to truly let go and accept defeat. I choose to do what is difficult than to do what is easy. If I do not do so, the burden falls on the person I have hurt.

In my rumination I discovered that yes, I can truly see how my actions may have triggered trauma. Initially, I looked at the word caused trauma, but this was false. The logical truth is I triggered it. The difference is that in the former there was evil intent. But I know my soul is not evil. My mind may be, it may cause havoc. But my soul is not.

This identification matters- what do you identify yourself with?

The mind and body they say are changing. They are not to be relied upon, just like memory. However, that does not mean we are not accountable. If my soul is eternal, how can it perish? If it cannot perish, why must it be defended? And if it need not be defended, I do not need weapons.

It sounds idealistic. It was not as easy as typing this. But when I realised that yes, my mind caused actions that triggered their trauma, I was at conflict. And somehow, there was comfort in knowing I can set things right by apologizing. So I did. This is not to say I am good. I do not wish to deal with morality. I mean the concepts of good and bad we use to judge our behaviour by morality. I choose integrity over it. What separates integrity from morality for me is that the latter has judgement. We act to be moral instead of acting for the sake of acting, because it is in our nature. There is thought in morality. We act good to appease someone in morality, including ourselves. In integrity, we act. There is no good or bad. This neatly deals with the problem often presented to morality- if a friend is in danger but morals say he deserved it, do I let him die?

If you are in touch with your integrity, I believe you will act accordingly. In morality we look to others to judge our behaviour. In integrity, we look to our soul. I say soul, because the mind is susceptible to morality. I believe acting in integrity, with our soul, is what Krishna means by being in your own nature.

In morality the ‘bad’ is suppressed. Often, people labelled as bad are nothing but suppressed. Yet, the worst of people seem to me sometimes to have the greatest integrity. Think of that peer who disrupts status quo for selfish reasons. Be selfish, because there is integrity.

In integrity, I can learn from my mistakes. I do not apologize to appear good, but to feel whole. And you will know the difference between a sincere apology and a fake one. The latter is attempted as a quick fix. The former needs time and reflection. So if you have hurt someone and look for reasons to apologize, don’t. Let it go, forgive yourself and do not hold ideals which are not yours. Think about what happened, meditate on it, speak to the person you hurt in order to listen. Ask genuinely ‘How have I hurt you?’ And have the courage to listen. Because when you listen to them, you listen to yourself. You listen to where you hurt yourself. Morality is nothing but a system meant to see us fail. And integrity does not mean you will become terrible. No, in fact integrity will unveil to you a goodness that no man made morality can dream of.

We say children are intrinsically good. No child is born with morality, but it is born whole. The only difference between you and the child is where you lost your integrity. This is natural. Do not panic. You will return to it. I promise. And when we do, we will no longer need memory to defend ourselves nor expectations to define ourselves. The past and future are no more, all there is is the now.

Phew, sorry, that was too preachy. I hope to live up to these words. And let us say one day I lose my integrity and carry up arms, I trust my soul to disarm my mind.