Meant for greatness, meant for you

‘I am better than everybody else’. This is a thought I began to have as a child. I would be praised more than anybody else, eventually I began to pressure myself. Then I let go of it, thinking ‘Eh, I am just like everyone else. Telling myself to be better feels exhausting now.’

When I let that thought go, that I am better than everyone else, I found so much peace. I felt okay. I felt human and that I could fail. I still strove.

Then, I stopped that too. I felt resentful. I began to feel superior. ‘I am better that everyone else.’ Came back. This was not the thought of a child anymore, it was an adult’s. He wished to comfort himself, by becoming a spectator. Always hiding behind superiority.

Then ame guilt. Even when I did do good, I did not think I am better than others. I also did not think I am better than myeslf. I began to feel that being better or worse is a judgement and all judements are wrong. The one thing that gave kid me motivation, to be better, was gone. I fell in with the crowd.

As I did so the world went downhill. Those in my life had great strife. COVID hit. Drugs, alcohol and addictions. By being in the crowd, these things hit me too. I felt the impact.

I forgot what I could be. I wished to be the greatest in the world. I felt guilt for being better off. No more.

I am better than you, and I have to be this way. This is not coming from a place of superiority. I feel in pessimism we have forgotten what great things are, what great things we are, and that greatness can co exist. I have be better than everyone so everyone has something to strive for. I thrive when others strive. It is like a coach is in his element when he teaches, and he will have more people to teach when he shows how great sports can be. I wish to show the best of humanity. This was my plan. I get back to it. I hope I do it right this time, and I hope I achieve the greatness I desire- for the only reason I wished to be famous was so I could use the fame for good.

I must rediscover greatness, and then deliver it. It makes sense this will be a lonely road. How else can you find a better path than all others, if not to stray.