Plans for the future
I think of what to do after college, and I do not wish to think. I do not wish to think, because when I create a plan now it will be based on my current fears and desires. Planning never seems to pan out. Finally, I think I understand why.
To plan something binds us to it. A plan is nothing but a method to get to a desire, and desire binds me. Truly, I do not want anything so much that I will fight for it. For a long time, I thought this a weakness. That I am unwilling to go against the flow to reach where I wish to be. But what if I never had any wishes? What if I am perfectly content wherever I am. You may then say that to lie still means stagnation, but remember I am in a river?
I see that the place I am in now is nothing but a consequence of my actions, my karma. Thankfully, I identified this, else I would keep trying to do more actions- make more plans- which would trap me further and further. I am done with this. I have experienced the world. As a child, I enjoyed being. Then I began to think I should do more, be more, and play the game everyone else seemed to be playing. I did so, and initially I did so unattached. It was only a game.
Then came attachment. I wanted to win. I wanted everything, a beautiful relationship, respect, greatness in the eyes of others. I wished to be the best so others would worship me. Others only feared me. In the choice between being feared or loved, I choose neither.
For I have been feared as much as I have been loved. In fact, those who loved me the most often feared me the most as well. They ceased to be themselves. In each romantic relationship, it felt that the other got degraded. We both lost sight of ourselves. I lost myself, because I wished to play the game. I have won the game and lost it.
Such a game becomes a trap when you no longer think before rolling the dice. You lose the process and focus on the result. The only hope anyone has is to realise. If you feel you are in the game and seek realisation, fret not. It will come. After all, you will have to get up to eat dinner at some point. The river is strong, it will not let you remain in a place- no matter if it is good or bad. So you need not do anything.
Now, I realise I had been trying to trap myself in the future to run away from the present. I realised I was forcing myself. A peculiar thing in this life has been the lack of pressure from anyone. Fortunately, I began to pressure myself. I say fortunately because it may be easier to break from yourself than others. And when you break from yourself, you break from others. Because yourself is the greatest other there is- something like how people say you are your own enemy. Well, you are also you own friend. But at the end of the day, neither the enemy nor the friend is you is it?
This cycle of karma has the possibility to end. I came to Bangalore because of the events in Nashik. The first time I fought my fate, my flow, was forcing myself out of boarding school. Life would have been incredible, I wonder, had I stuck to myself. But this is a foolish question, for I am not in control of the past nor the future. I can only observe the present.
The cycle started from leaving boarding school. I would then fight the flow of this river for the next 7 years. It was an energetic fight. Wonderful to witness, how each adversary was overcome by my intellect and ability. I believe this all began when I began to think I must prove myself in the world, when I began to believe I will not last in this world. I have done so. Anything beyond this will only be a variation of the same problem of fear. Conquer fear to find freedom.
The only way a champion can lose is if he keeps on fighting. Personally, I feel that after becoming the champion, I should let go and rest. I wish to rest, and let the river guide me. After my college ends, I see no future. This is the end of the line for this cycle. I do not wish to play this game again. I have had all that I needed.
As my college ends, I will go home. I will remain for some time. From now on, let no concrete plan be formed. Let no means become the end. Because these plans, these actions, are all means to an end. The moment they become the end in themselves, I have lost sight of the goal. My goal is to be myself. For this, there need not be any plan. This is possible anytime, so I need not be attached to it. In fact, attachment to myself is the quickest way to lose it, just like the quickest way to lose a bird that is coming close to you is to eagerly reach out. Stay still, let the river do the work.
This blankness was once feared. It is now recognised to be the end of the future. I am done. I will change some day, but this is how I feel right now. I feel like a clean slate after so many years. I feel I can let my mind rest. Let me now enjoy college fully. Let me make mistakes and fall in love and hate. But let me not create a future that extends beyond these 9 months. Let me return home fully satisfied and clear, with nothing on my mind.