When you give a gift, do not give it thinking ‘the other person will like this’. Give it thinking ‘this is a good thing’. In this way, we avoid the expectations which may get attached. Only give people things because you feel the thing is good.
In such a way, we can share out joys with the world without fear of praise or neglect.
'Sexual ability gives man the divine power to re-create himself, but it also binds him to his animal body and that of his lover'
Such a concept makes me better understand my wish to integrate sexuality. In such a context, I see recreation as another attempt. Keeping in mind we are all one, does it not make sense that my father in an attempt to recreate himself, had me, his extension. Thus we keep transforming, and it is of no alarm that the son differ from the father. If he does not, he lacks the courage to create new things which may liberate the father. Else both remain imprisoned, and the prison is created by them.
External to internal is food to sperm, then is transcendence which goes beyond the external and internal. One asks what is left apart from the external and internal, it is the line between them. This line is again the way.
I do not use Social Media. The only videos I watch are lecture series. I write and read, this too is nonfiction. In an effort to clear out my head I quit all forms of what a strict parent would call distractions. Perhaps because mine were too liberal, I sought the opposite end. The thing I learned is that switching up really engages a different part of your mind. It feels like that.
I also realise that it is little wonder I am sad now and say life is devoid of life. I have no hair. I went away from the world. It is like training to become the best boxer but never going to fight. Eventually, you will get demotivated and stop training. The fight provides important feedback. More time elapsing may mean you eventually fear fighting- for how can you lose otherwise?
This seems to be what is happening. How to get back into the world?
A flaw i am privy to
I realise that my father may not have let me win. Well, there is evidence that says I felt he always wanted his way. My brother said so too. It is little wonder that I did not wish to play with him. I learned today of how rats play- the big rat must let the little rat win at least 30% of the time else the little rat will stop initiating play. This is an incredible idea.
It tells me to not feel guilty if I do not wish to play with others. Dad has begun to relent, so I think I play slightly more with him. Mom too.
It also tells me to lose sometimes. It is imperative to do so, else nobody will play with me.
This is my flaw- I am prone to wanting victory each and every time. It is okay to lose. It is important to lose. In the case of my ex, I found myself sometimes wanting to outdo her in the break up. But I must lose. I must not be bitter with anybody.
I must be the big rat who loses, but does so while teaching the little rat some more moves.
I must be the little rat who loses and wins with enthusiasm. Always be cheerful.
Here at this point, I lost in terms of a college experience. I feel that. Who is the big rat? Life perhaps. Oh well. I am not too sure of this idea.
I am certain that I wish to lose to others once in a while, let them have their point, let them have their laugh, let them have their plans. I will not be stubborn.
In conclusion, keep a lookout for always wanting to win.
Someone said they loved me without wanting reciprocation. I noticed the lie, ignoring it I gifted a ring. Next day they wished to date me. It upset me to be in a situation where I must disappoint. I brought it upon myself giving the ring when I knew the truth. I became angry for days. Then I asked why they contradicted themselves. They felt saying they did not want reciprocation was self preservation. Self preservation here seems a nice word for a lie. I believe wanting reciprocation is the lie. This was my response.
I asked you because it upset me. When you told me you did not want reciprocation, I did notice your eyes say otherwise. Still, I chose to believe that you did not lie to me. Self-preservation is a lie, it makes loving impossible. I do not think you were lying when you told me you wanted no reciprocation, I felt your real self preservation was in asking me out. Transactional relationships, where there is the concept of reciprocation, are not real, like the self you preserve. Telling someone you love them with no desire to self preserve is real. I did not tell you this because my mind was in great emotional turmoil- I would not have given the ring to someone who wished to self-preserve else its meaning be misconstrued. I feel it reset your progress, and I believe if I had not given it you would not have asked me out.
By ignoring what I had noticed and not seeing through, I caused the emotional turmoil. I do not like to say no nor to disappoint. But to those who self-preserve, I must. To avoid these situations I do not engage, as my involvement can impede someone's progress considerably. But by choosing a lie and giving you the ring, I got involved when I did not wish to. For this I was angry, else my words would have been kinder. Being angry also upsets me.
I tell you this now because I believe in Blue Tokai you were only expressing love for yourself. I believe you do neither know me enough to think we should date nor have reasons to love me, but to express love itself you only need to know yourself. I believe that just as you were about to achieve something higher, you fell back. It is highest to love without reciprocation, but in asking me out I believe you went lower.
I believe by looking to date you are looking in the wrong place when to ask someone out means to be less vulnerable. This itself means I will say no. I do not wish to be with someone who has levels of vulnerability with me, nor would I wish for them to be with me as long as I have levels of vulnerability with them.
I asked you the reasons you loved me, because I have none of those qualities. You seeing them means you only see them in yourself. When I pressed on that topic, you created a separation in the reasons you love me and the reasons you love yourself. This too cannot be, as if that exists I will not be present in that place. You also do not know me enough to view me as separate from yourself accurately, and if you do know me then such a separation does not exist. These feelings have not flourished for me. I do not deny that they have flourished, but once again by attributing them to someone else you fool yourself. So figure out whom they truly are for; it’s not Karan, and when you find your answer it will be something better.
These are only my thoughts. I have wondered about this as there are many ideas within. I tell some of these to you, because they might click. If not, discard them. I don't believe them, I am only the messenger.’
I asked you because it upset me. When you told me you did not want reciprocation, I did notice your eyes say otherwise. Still, I chose to believe that you did not lie to me. Self-preservation is a lie, it makes loving impossible. I do not think you were lying when you told me you wanted no reciprocation, I felt your real self preservation was in asking me out. Transactional relationships, where there is the concept of reciprocation, are not real, like the self you preserve. Telling someone you love them with no desire to self preserve is real. I did not tell you this because my mind was in great emotional turmoil- I would not have given the ring to someone who wished to self-preserve. I feel it reset your progress, and I believe if I had not given it you would not have asked me out.
By ignoring what I had noticed and not seeing through, I caused the emotional turmoil. I do not like to say no nor to disappoint. But to those who self-preserve, I must. To avoid these situations I do not engage, as my involvement can impede someone's progress considerably. But by choosing a lie and giving you the ring, I got involved when I did not wish to. For this I was angry, else my words would have been kinder. Being angry also upsets me.
I tell you this now because I believe in Blue Tokai you were only expressing love for yourself. I believe you do neither know me enough to think we should date nor have reasons to love me, but to express love itself you only need to know yourself. I believe that just as you were about to achieve something higher, you fell back. It is highest to love without reciprocation, but in asking me out I believe you went lower.
I believe by looking to date you are looking in the wrong place when to ask someone out means to be less vulnerable. This itself means I will say no. I do not wish to be with someone who has levels of vulnerability with me, nor would I wish for them to be with me as long as I have levels of vulnerability with them.
I asked you the reasons you loved me, because I have none of those qualities. You seeing them means you only see them in yourself. When I pressed on that topic, you created a separation in the reasons you love me and the reasons you love yourself. This too cannot be, as if that exists I will not be present in that place. You also do not know me enough to view me as separate from yourself accurately, and if you do know me then such a separation does not exist. These feelings have not flourished for me. I do not deny that they have flourished, but once again by attributing them to someone else you fool yourself. So figure out whom they truly are for; it’s not Karan, and when you find your answer it will be something better.
These are only my thoughts. I have wondered about this as there are many ideas within. I tell some of these to you, because they might click. If not, discard them. I don't believe them, I am only the messenger.’
Now I wonder, why did I readily believe a lie? Somewhere, I desire to be loved with no attachment. I feel my presence brings too many experiences. Either I tone it down for the unwilling, or be fully myself for the willing. Perhaps those who wish to date me think they are willing, but they only want the toned down version as that is all they have seen. I wished to be loved without reciprocation, so I may fully be myself. Perhaps this was the reason I believed the lie. Truly, the lie is I have a say to my nature. I felt hurt. Gotta feel it no? Funnily, what I truly want is that which I do not desire nor it desires me. I made a mistake, a lovely mistake. I too am guilty of self-preservation it seems. The ring was given from a desire to create a certain image of myself as a gracious man.
Understand Zen better.
To control the id is to control desire. It is what helps one scale the highest mountains. A great many people do this, where they falter is when they begin to preach from the top.
To preach from an ivory tower is frequently considered bad, but you must have an ivory tower in the first place. It is no easy task to create one. The greater task is letting go of it. In preaching, we want others to have the same tower. It means we hold the tower so close to us that we require others to follow our example.
This is the superego. Get rid of both by keeping them in control. Give them no power over you. Let the ego observe dispassionately and choose the best way. I believe when we do so, not only can we have the ivory tower but also enjoy the view.
Then came the argument, but what if I wish for others to be happy. The only way to make someone do something is to make them want to do it. The only way to make someone want to be happy is to show them happiness. To show them happiness, be happy yourself. Happiness here means contentment- truly.
So build the tower you desire, not the one you think others will desire. When they see you victorious, they will begin to build. Then you must have the humility to see their vision instead of imposing your own. Recognize the power you hold in this world and use it judiciously, to uplift others to their own highest potential.
When do you know to take off a band-aid?
Some take it off to early, some at the right time and some later. They take it off, because they recognize that it is a band-aid and it has served its purpose.
I feel I am scared to take mine off. I do not know if it is too early, right time, or late. But don’t you know this only after taking it off?
It feels like I have forgotten that the band-aid is an aid, it has a purpose. It is not part of me. It feels like this because I have spent so long looking for how to live correctly, that I now wonder am I putting that information into good use? Learn from the past, do not stay in it right?
We had Ignitors at college. It is a yearly programme designed to teach students things to help them become more complete. I feel it is a step in the right direction, and it is one of the few things my critical mind can accept with respect. That is not to say all sessions are useful. Many peers find these sessions a waste of time and a method of brainwashing. I have shared that attitude as well.
Last year, I felt appreciation for this programme. I recall feeling ‘huh, not bad'. I do not remember if I felt this way in the first year too. It is possible I felt it, because this year too I went ‘huh, not bad’. Incredible how memory works sometimes.
It is one of my favourite things about myself: often I forget many things and when people tell me what I said or did, I rediscover myself with joy. It is like a dog hiding a bone, forgetting it, then discovering it with joy. It is like burying treasure only to rediscover it. I believe my mind does so like a parent for its child, holding away wonderful things so it can rediscover. I know this, because my memory has never failed me when it counted. (I got sidetracked here and wrote this, interestingly it also deals with the value placed on morality).
Back to values. I have often wrestled with this question- what are values and what are good values. Yes, there were many answers, but the difference between reading answers and understanding them yourself is akin to listening to a guitar rift on YouTube and playing it yourself. You do not play it to sound better, but you play it to learn and improve.
In one of these sessions I got confronted with this problem I had forgotten about. That is another great thing about learning, you may wrestle and then stop. In this break, your mind actively processes things so that when you get back to wrestling, you are better. It is not only active practice that helps, in fact I believe passive practice counts more. What I mean here is this- I can focus on the question of values, but this focus will only get me so far. Once I let go of the question and focus on other things in life, I pick up ideas which will help me with the next session of focus on values. It is like any skill, you cannot learn it in a day.
Looking at things this way calms me down when I freak out about not making progress. I freak out about whether I will forget to get back to values. But look, the universe brought me this question again on my path. It also makes me understand better that nothing I put my mind to will ever go to waste, all skills are transferable. One of the best tools one can have is critical disagreement. Finding joy in argument and dissection makes it possible to focus on things we are against. This is my chief argument against saying I will not pay attention because I am not in agreement with this. This helps me listen actively.
In fact, having something I disagreed with is exactly why I am writing this post. The person who conducted the session on values, I thoroughly disagreed with. Initially it was anger, but when I asked why, I was forced to defend my stance. In this process, I went from seeing the wrong answers to finding the right ones. There are many wrong answers- you will not last finding the truth by the process of simple elimination. What I mean by simple elimination is that sometimes we may be given juice and we reject it. This only applies if the rejection results in anger. In some cases, we can simply let go when confronted with things we do not want.
Assuming we want juice and someone gives us juice we reject it and complain that the person gave us the wrong juice. This is simple rejection. It does not tell us what we want, only what we do not want. To go beyond, we must ask ourselves why do we reject it. This is also my argument against avoiding all negative things. Avoid the ones where you can let go, but when there is conflict it probably means you want something. In this case, in the conflict of a wrong understanding of values, it meant I cared about the understanding of values. And to understand something we must look at all sides, especially the ones we disagree with.
To go beyond simple rejection means to ask ourselves why do we reject this, and if we find this out we are closer to the answer. For example, I rejected the juice because it looked dull. Then, I ask myself which juices look bright? By doing so, I am saved from the trouble of going through the same process. If I rejected beetroot juice, and understood it was because it was dull, I do not need to waste time rejecting other dull juices like kale. Yes, there are benefits to them, but the conflict means I value color over benefits. This is another important premise to grasp, to not give into morality. My intention is not to never drink beetroot juice, but to overcome the conflict that comes. This is one process to identify values and refine them.
Now I know I like bright juices, this means I will try out orange. Having resolved the conflict of sight, it may mean I like orange juice or still dislike it. If I like it I can stick to it. I would recommend figuring out why I like it i.e. the values I do enjoy. It is bright, sweet and fun to make. Because one day may come I get bored of it, then I can pursue other juices which share the same values orange juice has.
If I still do not like orange juice, I will then understand what I do not like. Let us say I realise it is expensive. Okay, incentive to make more money or to find another juice which is inexpensive. I keep on going until the conflict within me is resolved.
Another method of resolving the conflict is to let go of everything. However, this is not useful if we do it out of spite. Then we are only suppressing the conflict. Immediate renunciation is nothing but this speed of conflict resolution being perfected to a point where it is second nature. I find it hard to let go, and this is made worse when I say letting go is the best thing I can do. To expect ourselves to be okay without any consideration for why we are not okay is, I think, morality. It is the same as criticising criminals without understanding why they are criminals. Often, I feel society jumps to judgement because it it thought it would realise so many problems within itself. It would realise that it prefers the color of the juice instead of health benefits. This is again morality- let go of good or bad and see what you truly enjoy. I think this is why not all smokers have cancers and not all non-smokers have health. Everyone has their own path.
I then say, but the Buddha was a human being, he could let go of everything. Here too, we assume he was born enlightened. In fact, whenever we assume someone just has something, we forget the effort. It is not our fault, they are so good at what they do it seems effortless. Paradoxically, their effort makes it effortless. Buddha too strove to understood everything first then let go. He did not do so blindly. So whatever conflict you are in right now is a blessing if it is understood. And you will, there is nothing I can preach to you that will help. You way is your own. I only hope that you do not let go of the desire to resolve this conflict. That is all that matters. And as long as you love yourself, you will not let this desire go. So, I hope you fight for yourself. That’s all that matters, you.
Back to values. I better understood whatever is a useful value is a good value. It means it is easy to apply. Basically, if we think of values as a road, any road which feels shortest is best. Shortness does not mean distance. Sometimes a short road is full of obstacles, while the longer path is empty. I say that the best value is a shortcut. Now, we often say shortcuts are bad. This is akin to saying the road is bad. No, what we mean by this is that the destination is bad. For example, alcohol is not bad, the destination of alcoholism is bad. Now let go of goodness and badness and see alcoholism for what it truly is. Do not blindly believe others. Make your own observations. Understand it and then let the path go. A very good way to decide whether this path is for you or not is the question- am I enjoying this road. Enjoyment does not mean the road is easy. The path full of obstacles may be a shortcut to someone who enjoys obstacles too. While the longer path- though empty- will be difficult for this person.
So, I guess shortness does not mean distance. It means enjoyment. When we enjoy something we lose track of time. I will think about this further.
In class I wrote this:
‘Value of not lying is different from the value of telling the truth. It is different because to tell teh truth you must be aware of the truth. however, to tell a lie you must be aware of the lie. Values for the conscious mind apply only to things we are aware of. To be aware of a lie is easier than to be aware of the truth. When we can eliminate a lie, we get to the truth.’
So I realised the differences in values. If the destination is honesty, the value of always telling the truth is different from the value of not lying for me. In the former, I panic. I keep looking for the truth. A value should, I wonder, remove impurity rather than try to add purity. If I assume I am someone who always wishes to be honest, then the value of always tell the truth is strange. It is like saying that if I wish to have pure milk, I must always have pure milk. To make milk pure you do not add pure milk, you remove the impurity no? The great tragedy lies in the instances where I begin to identify myself with the impurities. Impurities mean morality- both good and evil. So when I identify with the impurities, I panic when they are removed. I think I am being removed. But I am not the impurity.
I am milk, so a value should work to remove impurities. Thus I concluded that the value of not lying is better than telling the truth. To tell the truth I must always be on the lookout for truth. But I am the truth. This means I must always be on the lookout for myself, constantly think of myself. I do not wish to do so. This is worry still. That I may cease to be the truth. How could I?
A great truth is I am everything I wish to be. I am the milk, but to live in this world means that things will fall into the milk. This is not the fault of the milk. It is how the life I have chosen is. I enjoy obstacles, I enjoy understanding. If there were no impurities, I would get bored. The best part is there are always impurities. Something keeps falling in. But that moment when everything is out and there is purity, is what I enjoy. It is what it is, I choose to enjoy it. Many times I fail. Many times I forget or do not realise there is impurity. But as long as the milk is there, I need not fret. I can always get back to it, only a matter of time. Because the milk is immortal.
‘Value of agreement is not the same as the value of polite disagreement and understanding. It seems values are meant as guides in the realistic world. The value of good means there is a knowledge of the choice of evil. However, insistence on good consciously means we feel that if we slip, we become evil. But this is not so. When I am not good, I guilt myself thinking I am evil. But this is a poor value. A better value is to avoid the negative, not pursue the positive. Because the very essence of a human is that he (moments I value Hindi, in it there is simply voh, no gendering. I use he because this is meant for me) is good. He is pure. All you must do is remove the impurity. A drop of dirt in milk- you cannot purify the milk by making the milk purer but by removing the dirt.
So the value of make milk purer is not hte same as the value of remove impurity. Incredible, for to do the latter is far easier than the former- the former is impossible. Milk is milk. It is pure. You cannot act on the milk.’
If I had the value of agreement, then when I was confronted with the presenter who said something opposite to me, I would have two choices:
I will blindly agree to it as it keeps my value
I will disagree which is against my value, and then I have conflict. This conflict is why we hate those who oppose us
Another value difference was:
Value of avoid praise is different from being humble
I am tired now. To conclude, I currently think that a good value is one that can be practiced simply. There is a difference in simplicity and ease.
Ok bye.
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