The willful ignorance of a sadistic mind
Life is a series of ups and downs. I was going through a slump and looking forward to my 11th grade results. After all, I had worked really hard toward them. One thing I forgot to do was to think of my expectations.
Having no expectations is completely different from not thinking about them at all. In the former, you know that you should not expect anything while in the latter you do not know what to expect. As a result, the latter can be harmful as you have no direction to think in.
You have the choice then to be happy or sad about something- as it is the case with many teenage minds, my head chooses to be sad about most things.
Though my result was wonderful- the highest in my class- I kept thinking about how someone (Person A) did better than me a few years ago….by two points in Economics. I ignored the good things.
Which brings me to the concept of the willful ignorance of a sadistic mind. Sometimes our heads can be mean things. My head, perhaps yours too, always ignores the hardships I faced and Person A’s did not, while constantly reminding me of all the advantages I had and Person A’s did not. It says- “Hah, you had more advantages yet you lost to Person A by 2 points, good job kid you’re useless.”
I had that after my result. I did not leave my bed, ate lunch and played GTA V for six hours in the darkness.
Then I took a walk. While walking I talk to myself out loud. I wanted to punch glass, and through my monologue a little question popped up:
“How long have we been back in India?”
“Today it has been 11 months exactly” I replied
Then after a few more rounds of
“Ugh I lost those two points, where is a nearest punch-able piece of glass”
And
“Dude punching glass is not exactly a smart way to let it out, punch a pillow instead.”
It hit me-
Stop comparing
I know, people may tell you HeY DoN’t cOmPaRe YoUrSeLf JuSt LiKe Staaaaaaaaahp LmAo
But their explanation is half smart.
In order to compare two things, they must have had the same resources and opportunities. You cannot compare two runners who ran different distances, on different terrain and seasons. That would not be an accurate comparison.
Furthermore, since everyone has had different experiences and opportunities, any comparison you make with someone else would not be an accurate comparison. Since the only good comparison is an accurate comparison, it is unwise to compare yourself to others.
When I tell this to my head, it being the sadistic mush it is says- “you are just finding excuses to be lazy and complacent with the 2 lost points”
Hey wait, there is more. Compare yourself against yourself from the past instead.
This started off a chain of thoughts that made me smile.
After I looked back at my eleven months, they were nothing like what my classmates- current or previous- have experienced. In these eleven months
I came back from exchange
Spent 6 months dancing with depression
Lived alone for one of those months
Had to fit in with a new school and new friends
Manage old friends
The daily commute was two hours long
I was in a different place. This is why I cannot compare myself accurately to Person A or any person
Halfway through this monologue (the neighbours had started to look at me funny). I realize that if I compare myself with myself; this entire ordeal was a success!
In these eleven months I have
Learnt to deal with mental health better after counseling and experimentation
Started The Common Sense Club at school
Did a TED talk at school
Made new friends, had a healthy relationship
Kept my blog going
Finished Economics in fifty days, Psychology in forty and math in 60 instead of the usual one academic year
Tried a book club, a fundraiser speech and gave presentations for my exchange organization
Organized school events
And now, I have all four of my 11th grade subjects scores over 90%
I look back and remember how hopeless, tired and lonely I felt. The uselessness was crushing- but I would not want to erase it from memory. We must always remember where we come from. How we have progressed. When doing this, be liberal and be kind to yourself in your praise. Don’t say “Hey that fundraiser was a failure- at least it “was” something. Be liberal in your praise because you will have many critics- the biggest one being yourself.
Your circumstances were different back then, be proud of how you have conquered them. More importantly, don’t stop now. You have come far, take a breather and once you are ready, think of the next thing that will help you grow.
Thank you, whoever is reading this, for helping me through my highs and lows with your responses- a simple gesture goes a long way. These 11 months have been intense, and part of me is scared to be 18 next month and wishes I had more time to do more things as a non-adult.
As usual, have a nice day and be nice to yourself.
Love,
TwinkleBunny