Nerve pinch

I went for a massage. There was a nerve pinch. I pointed it out. The guy pressed it again and again. I thought facing the pain would help. That he knew his stuff; in hindsight that feels like an excuse on my end for fear. Now it hurts. I feel so teary, that i have betrayed my body.

I recognize that I was violent, I was not gentle with myself. That I forced pain, thinking it will help but that is not my way. I recognize the theme of trusting others and giving up my responsibility, of feeling hurt at the end. I do that with my relationships. I did that with boarding school.

I also had a conversation with my brother, told him I have been alone and there is a lack of intimacy. I found myself tearing up then. now I hate it. I don’t wish to let anyone in. I feel hurt and betrayed and that I do not wish to trust. It is making me paranoid, of our meeting tomorrow as well. I am telling you this, because it seems communication helps. I am in a vulnerable place. Dyu art cafe might be too loud, I may not stay. let us see tomorrow.

I also feel glad it happens now.