Man I hate myself. Well, I know now I seek excitement. I am boreed. I sensed the steady decline- it really is like a monster. The issue is, I do not know when I give myself a break, if it is the monster tricking me or I need it. Perhaps my method of taking a break ought to change. I notice that when I take an afternoon nap, it goes long. I refuse to wake up. I love sleep. Then at night I remain awake and end up masturbating or watching porn.

Ok. The solution isn’t to force myself to work. My dreams told me I should accept myself. That was the message. Okay, I let go. Whatever happens, happens. I had a great run. No pressure.

I guess it also annoys me my parents are obsessed with my elder brother’s issues. I am there too. I shall help, I can handle myself. I told them I relapsed, so I am making effort. It will all be okay. I seek pity and acknowledgement of my suffering- do I do so myself? No I did not. I forgot my suffering, and took myself for granted. Cut some slack? Yes please.

I seek companionship.