Frozen vulnerability
I have been feeling a dark part come out. It is making me anxious. Yesterday, my friends and I were to go for a manicure, but I was overcome with this almost hypnotic movement of saying I want to skip and getting into bed. Here I remained. My friends seemed upset at first. I am used to this, it is then followed by guilt. This happened on my birthday as well. It is such a paralysing dissonance, part of me feels like being in bed and the other feels pressure to go out and be there for people.
This time, I tried to get out. I couldn’t move. My friends were joking, I then told them I cannot move. Then my body kept getting tenser and tenser. I felt locked and that I am faking it, but I couldn’t move. My friends tried to move me, my hands were cold. Arjun then swept my legs on the bed and covered me with a blanket. I shut my eyes, my grip tightened at my chest, left a nail mark. Eventually, tears flowed out of my tightly shut eyes, my hands were vibrating. In the past, I have found myself faking it for attention, it is a never ending debate. This time, I learned to express. I did not force myself to frown. When a funny thought came, I laughed. I felt vulnerable. I felt ok. My friends asked if I was cold, I said tension.
Tears came. I felt I should flow into it. I felt I stopped myself shorts hat I could have gotten more out of this. How strange.
Then I began to loosen. My friends were very sympathetic. I felt comfortable. I am glad I did this.