Roots

There seems to be a moment of darkness right now. I feel extremely lonely. My addictions- overthinking, cannabis, alcohol and porn- beckon. Well, I think I have reached a point where I can see they were like a wave. The further away I was from the shore, the easier these waves sucked me in. I did not even know the shore existed- I was in the middle of the ocean.

Now, I have tasted the shore. I seem to be back in the water. I wish to understand these waters, so I can always find my way back. Each time, I will be sucked in- this is the only way to learn. Yes, it would be better to be on the shore, but is this not what God meant by assigning man work. Thrown out of Eden, out of the shores.

Addictions, why did I have them? I see myself seeking women, I seek their company in the same way I sought porn. Well, the flavour seems the same. I seem to be controlled by them, how I am perceived. I wish the be the greatest, why?

That thought has been ever present. It even comes disguised in the belief that I am God. Yet, I feel off.

I wish to be special, Dr. Mate expressed this too. Indeed, these dreams are only an escape from the moment. How do I be present? My relationship with women feels flawed. With men too, I wish to be superior. Wow.

Have I been vulnerable? How do I know? Someone asked me ‘Am I okay?’ I said yes. I recall the first time I instinctively responded ‘I am fine’ to a teacher when he greeted me ‘How are you?’. I truly was not fine, that was my first experience of this phenomenon. This time, I truly am okay. I know I am okay, just gotta feel it haha.

But hey, you are okay. I am here with you. There is nothing due, you feel healthy too. Things are going to improve. We are on our way to the bottom on this. To figuring out addictions. For there is only addiction or awareness.

I want to know. I want to meet my unconscious mind. I want to go beyond, to evolve. Please make this journey enjoyable and swift.

Until then, I carry along. All is well.