Stutter

Why do you stammer?

What makes your forehead drip with strange perspiration, before you make what, seemingly, is just another addition to the scores of speeches you have delivered void of flaw or trembled tones? Have you lost your voice; your command barely resembles what is now its shadow. Is it so that the game is what has changed, or it is you who will never be ever the same?

I see you now, your friendships gasp for breath as you struggle to comprehend them in terms of your new perspective. I see the memories of the past, which should, in such cases, grow sweeter, instead be accepted as something you can never have. You always got what you wished for- how does this fresh state of helplessness feel?

No past to return to,

No present to shape,

Only the wasted future,

Lying in your wake

You wish to be helpless- it shows an excuse to give up and stop chasing greatness- a chase that you are afraid to fully set yourself completely to. Yet, to be a nobody is an unacceptable sin to you. It is a sin which may disrespect those who have been so kind to you. They say- you say- that there are no expectations set on you. You wish to accept that but you cannot. Because to do so will confirm things, to do so is an admission of defeat and an invitation to guilt. And what if, once you fail, you realize people did secretly expect things from you? They did not guide you under the belief that you may better find yourself and rise above everything. In giving you freedom, you were lost and expected to find your way by yourself. But what if you could not find your way at all?

There has been an absence of pressure and struggle. Does this nullify whatever you achieve? Does this mean you do not deserve to have an easy life, because you are not sure that your luxuries would be the fruits of your effortless effort or the result of circumstance?

-Monday, August 19, 2019

This is a still from a video of a speech I had on Christmas. I love this picture, I am around exchange students- sigh I miss them. Looking that happy seems so unrealistic right now. But meh, good times come.