I had wished to explore my interest in modelling. A friend told me of a camp, I went. It got me out of my comfort zone, but I also see the traps here. It can be a thing I enjoy doing, and I can bring great impact here. These are the things I felt during this experience.

6/2/24 849pm

Is modelling for me? That was one of my questions. I feel that if I ever have to ask, the answer is no. Ego got bruised so often. It was much better than the past- I can complete this and go. I wish to let go. I wish to be comfortable. I wish to preserve my energy. So many people, it drains me. I wish to be clear about what I want and what I want to do. How to pose, let my expressions come out. They are novel, even for me. I know they can do much good. Let them come out because they deserve to. I don’t see ethics here, this does not seem like a field I will enjoy. Remember the child, he wishes to heal others. This is not a career for me- though I got some hobby tips. I don’t want to be on instagram, that is certain. I would prefer time with Gulrajni sir is what I feel. Honestly, I am fine anywhere, I only wish to connect without bootlicking. I don’t see that with Lakshmi ma’am or her team. I see that Nikhil has depth, so must they all. Too much of my time and energy is spent on judging others and myself. That will not do. That is not what I desire. I feel like I am in limbo, where am I? I learn to stay away from problematic people with compassion. I recognise that I cling to those who give me attention. I realise I criticise those who do not give me attention and see myself as a victim. A vicious cycle.

I noticed my anxiety again. Judgement. So long ago this was, but I know it can be overcome. Let me overcome. Let me win.

Tired. Happy. Had. Haircut. Soon you return to your kingdom, you have made the best of this. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day. Your predictions come true. Goodnight.

8/2/24

224 pm

What a time. Suffering is great, I love that I feel on a new level of comfort. Enduring difficulty is a virtue and I wish to follow it more. This camp really strengthened my mind.

Today, I got dressed up. I went in when Lakshmi ma’am came, and we did many classic, still poses. Anil Sir the stylist wanted to do some avant-garde poses, but this did not happen. I hope to see him in Bangalore and work further. I felt a bit sad that it all ended so soon, I didn’t do my own thing, only followed direction. But I am glad, for that was my modus operandi, to follow what is told. Heck, I did one Wim Hoff session during the shoot and asked Nikhil to play my music. They vibed to Praise God. It was satisfying to watch. Prarthna asked me to do a testimonial, I told her I will do it in a week. She wanted it now, and held my certificate hostage. I chose to side with myself, I don’t feel like writing a testimonial now so I won’t. I told her I will submit a video. I shall keep my word, as she did give me my certificate. Dear God, let me submit a truthful and beneficial testimonial. Is it testimony or testimonial? Either way.

I started the day in peace. Darkness. Reached 30 min early, met the stylists and make-up artists. Initially they thought I am a stylist. This industry does need a lot of peace and humanity. Eventually, it all plateaued. I guess the flow state hits. I wish to work with sober people. Private, one on one things with relaxed stakes.

I got my make up done, took my polaroids. Abhay gave me his t-shirt and Ayush lent me his boots. Everyone I met seemed to smoke, especially the youngsters. This will not do.

Anil Styled me and it was wonderful. I felt experimental. They put coal eyeliner on me, this too looked sharp. Lakshmi told me to work on my movements and keep my eyes relaxed. I shall do so, I hope to work with her soon. My insecurities are gone. I feel like the difference between a first year and a final year. Sure, there is a long way to go, but I feel I have done my basics. I told myself today that if I felt comfortable, not only that, but if I caught discomfort, meditated and made myself comfortable, then I am done. I asked for a tissue to wipe my nose, asked for my own songs and water. I think it was good.

Suzanne said I looked like a professional model. That is very sweet.

Best of all I do not feel attached. I do not feel I could have done better. I feel yes, this is done, let us move on. I came home, showered, ate a greasy meal and watched YouTube. Now I wrote and shall nap.

This was a great idea, thank you Karan. Keep taking leaps to know fall damage does not apply to you.I feel so much progress in my surety in the universe. I knew 4th day is when I open up, and that is when I did. Incredible.

Letter for Lakshmi Rana

9/2/24

1432 Enroute to Bangalore

Dear Lakshmi Ma’am,

          I created this account only to connect with you to tell you this. I have understood that the idea of modelling for me is to be comfortable within my body and have a lot of fun shooting. I also don’t intend to take this too seriously, I feel I will do better if I let things flow, else, especially as someone who is wary of substances even like coffee or instagram, I lose myself. To have this clarity itself feels wonderful, and you knowlingly/unknowingly brought it out. Some people told me that I can’t make it in this industry with my casual attitude, but I feel that is the only way I could make it with myself intact.

          A great change I wish to report is my willingness to make eye contact with people while I was walking in the airport today. Sure my excuse is I am posing around, but the human contact is refreshing. My walk too feels calmer. Thank you for that. You suggested I work on my movements, and you are right. I hope to figure that out for my personal life- being tall in a country designed for shorter people makes one awkward due to infrastructure. I also feel that strengthening my body will give me more grace. Nutrition too is on the agenda.

          I enjoyed how you told me you would like for me to try out my own vibe, funky I think you said. I would love to do that some time, though this outfit was so cool! It did not feel outside my style, rather I got to learn I can do this too. I think that is the point of this for me, to realise what I think is out side of me is actually still me. I also see potential for shoots and outfits to help me reconnect with my feminine, I adore her. Thanks for that. I am excited for the photos.

          Another thing I wish to report is that I had noticed the studio boy Jitu recording one of my peers while she modelled. I am upset that it slipped my mind to understand what it meant. You noticed him later and had those videos deleted, thank you for that. I am sorry I wasn’t aware, but I know better now.

          I am of a universal shift. I believe- from my limited exposure- that this industry, as with many other artistic ones- needs development in the aspect of humanity. If you ever see me in it, it will be for this cause.

          One of the best things I implemented from your advice is the end of the shoot. There was a moment I felt desire for more time, but due to your preparation it quickly passed and I could move on with life. I went home, had a hot shower and took a nap. With that my Wilderbee experience ended, and ended well. The first few days were difficult, I had told myself that the fourth day is when I feel myself and that’s what happened. The fifth day went well precisely because the previous ones had fortified my mind- and you are correct, it is all a test of mental fortitude. I got to notice my own judgements toward myself and others, it was amazing.  I congratulate you on such a good job, well done!

          For your future programs, I would like to recommend a short session on breath work. You may have heard of the Wim Hof method, that was a great tool for me before the shoot. I am sure it will help others too. One can get very worked up and can find it easy to lose clarity of mind and presence.

          Also right after Alicia (?) mentioned healthy eating, one of the meals consisted of two burger king burgers. The breakfast was better (a freshoven sandwichI think). I understand that you do not have a base in Mumbai, but it would do well to look into a truly healthy option so aspiring models/humans can begin to eat right from the camp itself. I also notice that music has a great impact on ones expression. The music played during sessions felt very dark and- well it is the music one would play when high in a shady place with shady company. I get that everyone has their taste, but this is what I felt would have made the experience better for me. Another thing which carries great weight is your presence on shoot day, some students were done before you came, and felt a bit off due to your lack of presence. Once you came though, it felt nice. I felt safe around your energy, I don’t trust the others. I felt happy that I went after you came.

          I tell you these things because I do want your camp to improve. It can serve a purpose greater than just training people into modelling and transforming. It is a fantastic place to start with. I tell them to you directly because I don’t intend to speak much in my testimony, it won’t be as honest and intimate. I don’t wish to be seen, I wish to be known. Heck, the only reason I will be sending one is because I told Prarthna I would. Also, please keep this between us. Not because I don’t trust you or others to not understand, but because I wish to speak to you and you alone. This is only for you because you are nice.

          Oh, and I feel this completes an important thing for me. I first explored an interest in modelling when I was 15. We got connected to a man called Harry Saps. I was in boarding school, and the school arranged transport to the place. I was alone there, and I now recognise what I felt then was a feeling of discomfort. I was unsafe. They had put me with adults, and spoke of things a child should not hear. The man told me to put my hand around a woman, I did not wish to do it, and he pushed me for it. I did not go after the first day. Truly amazing how our innate senses work, for the man was arrested later for rape.

          It hurts, this feeling. I had forgotten it, but wish to express it now. Please be gentle in your inner reaction. I feel free from it. I was a child and did not know much. I don’t blame the adults. I am grateful to know reality, for that gives me something to improve. I wish to make this world a better place. I spend my time seeing such pockets. One cannot change these pockets, they are not inherently bad things. It is how we use them, and that is what I wish to work on. To fulfill legitimate needs like attention and expression through legitimate ways like healthy modelling.

          Modelling, fashion and fame are things a majority is drawn to. People think these things will get them what they truly desire. It is tragic, such a pattern is evident in more and more aspects of the world we share. One example is that one can be inclined to believe looking good will get them love, but it is truly the opposite. Love makes one look beautiful. Addiction to awareness, that’s the plan.

          Such love is what I intend to bring about for the world, I am certain a path will be shown to me. It may be this, it may be that, either way, your camp was a step. It does not matter in which direction it was a step in, since sometimes we just need to move. Thanks for moving me, and have a great day ahead.

Ciao!

K