Texts to my mentors:

[15/04/24, 7:53:16 PM] Sir: You ok?

[15/04/24, 8:03:34 PM] karan: No, I am on my way though

[15/04/24, 8:03:46 PM] karan: I really want to drop out

[15/04/24, 8:04:08 PM] karan: I think the kid has gotten upset, he expresses his wish

[15/04/24, 8:04:29 PM] karan: funny, he has never completed any institution- 2 drop outs

[15/04/24, 10:57:27 PM] karan: also she wasn’t kidding this shit heavy DEEPER CHALO

[16/04/24, 11:34:32 AM] karan: i want to learn how to celebrate

[16/04/24, 4:33:21 PM] karan: got rest. woke up very sick. feel better because friends came. my maid also loves me a lot, she took care of me. i napped a bit.

mind is okay, very heavy and prone to overstimulation easily i feel.

[16/04/24, 6:24:57 PM] karan: this has given me an insight- i wish to be surrounded by people who love me- because i wish to love others and nothing is like this feeling when someone goes all out for me. it is weird, it’s like i love people who love and care about my kid yk?

[16/04/24, 6:25:18 PM] karan: and i still feel like dropping out

[16/04/24, 6:25:52 PM] karan: my brain is dying and i dont want to complete this

[16/04/24, 7:27:22 PM] karan: complete what? i mean college. if you mean complete the work we are doing, I am not stopping. there is no way to stop me. if not through you, then through something else. i am getting what I want, and I am glad it is with you right now.

[16/04/24, 7:28:35 PM] karan: the procedure yesterday is complete to me. you had mentioned hitting rock bottom. even if me leaving halfway has opened a pandoras box, I don’t mind. i enjoy it. it will lead to great realisations, or the rock bottom. or, better yet, rock bottom then great realisation. I am not built to fail.

[16/04/24, 7:28:42 PM] karan: rather, I am going to win

[16/04/24, 7:31:45 PM] karan: because i recognise that i can learn something from you. this has been a feeling i have missed. i have longed for mental stimulation. and authenticity. i feel i am going to hate you or judge you at some points, it may get ugly, but i also hope to overcome that. that will be something great.

[16/04/24, 7:33:28 PM] karan: now, i have noticed a leap in my consciousness. it has gotten more depth from the last stage. one of the insights has been a great one- there is a lot i don’t know- but there is only one thing that i truly wish to know, so how does it matter if i dont know the other things. i dont care for them anymore, it doesnt upset me to not know them nor to not have a desire to know them, this has often been a fake vehicle for me to prove my superiority

[16/04/24, 7:35:53 PM] karan: in fact, trying to be nice has also been this. that day i told you the place sucked- i didnt mean the interior. i meant the exterior. regardless, that was an expression of anger. i am sorry about that. I recognise there are nuances to communication, and sometimes i communicate halfway. i do this deliberately- perhaps to be able to say ‘people don’t get it’. it is lazy. the alternative seemed to be clearer communication and effort- but i now realise i would rather be silent.

[16/04/24, 7:38:02 PM] karan: for me my ultimate state is of silence- i do not wish to talk about myself or my opinions or my feelings, only that of others. it is too much of a headache to plan communication. i also recognize i would rather be a person of actions than words. this stint of a sore throat gave me a taste- so much can be communicated without speaking. and i feel intact. i feel my being intact when i dont speak. whatever communication is required to happen, happens automatically and there is a greater depth and clarity to it. this text for example.

[16/04/24, 7:39:20 PM] karan: i recognise speech as a tool to obtain this silence. i recognise the creation of my own world as a way to sustain this silence. that was a great, great insight you had- it moves me to tears right now- the idea of sustenance. in your words- it is brilliant.

[16/04/24, 7:40:15 PM] karan: these patterns are so beautiful, the way things simply fall together, stay, then apart. what a great thing.

[16/04/24, 7:41:58 PM] karan: there is great trust on the body and the world. if i cannot do something, or feel happy, then i know it is due to some reason. the intellectual in me would seek these reasons and the world showed them to me often. it has become a process of curiosity, but the greatest thing is this- i can rest easy not knowing the reason too.

[16/04/24, 7:43:08 PM] karan: there is a will to act. i feel i dont drop out of college because there is a reason still. i should complete this. i wish to travel. take me with you after june somewhere please.

[16/04/24, 7:50:01 PM] karan: another thing that came across was this- i had told you that satisfaction is when i feel i have given it my all. it seems that this mentality is applying to others to. this is what i mean with an example

i would consider being a teacher, a master. then as I read Osho’s autobiography, this desire got fulfilled. i feel satisfied with that. i no longer want this.

this seems to be similar to neti neti- i am experiencing, and great people can convey a second hand experience in such a way it becomes first hand. and a clear, receptive mind is required. the clearer my mind, the more receptive i am, the stronger this experience takes root. i feel i have lived that life.

it seems neti neti because it allows me to reject everything external, one by one, until the only life i have left to live is my own. that was mind blowing to me. that also gives me incentive to seek the best people, to skip to the top. i no longer feel obligated to suffer, or read about the sufferings of others.

i wish to make my mind even clearer. i want to know what happens i want to know whatever there is to know. as a child, if asked what do i wish to be, i said everything. then i said an actor, businessman, politician and teacher. this was to aid the world- acting would give me fame to use for good, business would give money for charity and projects, politics would give power to change and teaching is obvious.

what a great thing that was, and what a great thing this is that - i have no words now. thank you for your time and listening.

[18/12/23, 4:33:42 PM] karan: I am okay. Learning to adjust to my home. I had asked to speak with you because recently a vision has been forming for how I would like to spend life, and I thought to seek any and all help to attain it.

[29/12/23, 9:43:05 AM] karan: Now my father, after all had calmed and things were ok, came and asked me for points for him that could help him improve.

My dear father, you are perfect the way you are. You need not improve, only heal. It is not that you lack something, you are complete. Only a wound which I intend to heal. Once this wound heals, all shall make sense to you. You will feel free and with new life. This I am certain of. I need not fix you either, so I do not come up and tell you things to do. However, God has seen it fit to give me a chance to do my best at helping. I am grateful for that, for a father to ask pointers from his son is a major universal shift. You have great humility and thank you for trusting me. I hope to come up with these 2 points which shall not improve you, for you are perfect, but only remind you of your perfection.

It will be a difficult road, you will have to face past trauma. But I intend to be there each moment for you. If you ever wish to stop that is okay too. Like I said, don’t try. I feel you already have many thoughts telling you about your potential, regrets, mistakes, pain, resentment against yourself and others. You feel like a punching bag, because if you are anything like me, you are prone to punching yourself all the time. It does not matter if we hurt ourselves or others- in both cases we hurt. And so, each pain you have caused to others is a pain unto yourself, just as each pain you cause yourself is a pain unto others.

I am certain a wonderful time is coming.

As for the two pointers, I shall meditate.

How can my father heal himself, for his soul’s highest good?

Accept

Forgive

Those who were to take care of you did not do so. I feel that too. It is time to uncover, understand and let go. Not by forgetting or repression, but by work. Work means committing to your inner child, the one stuck in the room. We must open the door. We must find what room the child is stuck in. Once you learn to do this for yourself, you can do this for Abhishek. The child will know what to do.

You say that he is suppressing, you are too. You say that he can is wasting his time being this way, you are too. You must see there is no difference between what he does and what you do. He is your chance to save the child. You cannot do this by saving him first then yourself. Nor can you save yourself first then him. Both must happen at once. Your efforts to help him must be fuelled by your own learnings and discoveries. It has been very long since you discovered yourself. I know who you are, and I promise it is worth discovering.

The ego will hold on to the pain. That is ok. Do not fight your ego, it is trying to protect you. Only ask your ego ‘From what are you trying to protect me?’. The ego here is like an overprotective parent. You must now identify as the child who wishes to learn. The child will then let the ego go, there is no need to be protected. All is well.

Ask yourself, in great moments of distress, especially when you feel defensive, ask as the child ‘What am I defending myself against?’. There is no difference between your family and yourself, so the war is the same within as without.

This is what has come from my meditation. I reiterate, you are perfect. This perfection has been covered. The emotions have been clogged, and as you knew to remove hair from Abhishek’s sink, you must do so for yourself too. It will change the world. It will be fun, and you will make sense of everything which has ever happened to you. You will be able to listen without reacting, you will never feel hurt or unappreciated, you will lose weight, you will cycle with ease. You will be able to help more people than you have so far in life. You will have more friends, connection and love. Your relationship with your wife will truly begin and you will understand more deeply. You will become friends with Abhishek, and he will support you fully. He will forgive you. Your wife will forgive you. You will forgive yourself. Most of all, you will break generational trauma, and find freedom. In short, you will fulfil your destiny.

Because now you are settled, you have money and security. This is all that’s left to do.

As for the two points, these will come at the right time. All you can do is be aware, listen and write. To understand what you are looking for, you can read. ‘The Power of Now’ is the only book which comes to my mind. I am unsure whether it will speak to you, but if you are eager to take action, you can try this out. Whatever you do, try to trust. Many things will sound silly, dramatic, idealistic, hipsterish or illogical. Logic does not operate in this world, it’s like learning a new language, which you have only forgotten.

This has been my experience in a life much shorter than yours. Even then, you asked me, and I feel honoured by that. I hope this helps, and I know you know best.

Even at this age you wish to improve, this shows how much love you have. It is the greatest thing I have seen, thank you for that. Again, you do not need to improve, you need to heal.

Usain Bolt ran 200m in 19.19s. He comes to you because he is doing it at 30s now. He asks you how he can improve. Upon examination, you see he has injured his foot. He has not realised he is injured, so he has kept running hoping to hit 19.19s, in the process he has worsened the injury. You will tell him to improve, he must first heal. This is what I feel for you.

I believe in you, and I am here how ever I am needed. I love you, care for you, and hope you feel better and better each day.

-Karan

[10/01/24, 6:13:00 PM] karan: Sir, this may sound like a silly question, but it is one I have struggled with for a long time. As a child, in school whenever I saw a wrapper on the floor I picked it up. As I went into the world I let that habit go. There was also fear of judgement. Now, I bring it back and find myself wanting to pick such wrappers up in my college- but there is so much trash that I do not know what to do. I tell myself that I can pick up one wrapper a day, and that too if there is a dustbin in sight. Else, I let myself go without picking it up. I think ideally I ought to have the courage to do clean up drives, but I feel limited. How do I think about this issue? Do I let things be, or pick up wrappers whenever I see them? I want to keep this as a habit, as the path I currently imagine for myself will have many people looking at me and I wish to present a good example myself first.

[10/01/24, 6:42:46 PM] karan: Why because I believe the world reflects my own mind. Even if some days I cannot clean it, I feel that cleaning the physical world can be a substitute. I think I am expecting myself to clean every thing I see, initially I dealt with this by saying there is no clean or unclean, or that I would do better by accepting such things. Though my spirit feels all is okay, the mind looks for principle to rely upon in terms of cleanliness- both of the mind and the world, if that makes sense. I find myself in a cycle of flashes of enlightenment followed by wrestling with worldly problems. This, without fear of death, mistrust or failure, has more often become an exercise of curiosity than of desperation.

[18/01/24, 4:40:08 PM] karan: I am good. I don’t think i can text very well. As there are many things i feel over time. I considered why i did not know, and i think I feel a fear of intimacy. I also recognised what you meant by the mind getting in the way a bit better. on a human plane i am hurt by this disconnect from family- that my brother does not see my pain, what i too have been through.

i also have been experiencing bouts of guilt and hurt over the two girls situation. I feel angry toward women who like me. I wish to learn how to be romantic, intimate and how to treat women. I wish to understand the breakups and what happened.

on the divine level I know it will be okay, that I let go. I look for the next step.

There is a play I am putting up. listened and advised a friend, she said it seems straight from god. i recognise how important conviction is to me- I think it is a part of the power you suggested to me. As I recall, your suggestion was to bring what is within without, to influence the world. I feel I have been doing that, so I am glad about that.

So that’s that.

[18/01/24, 4:40:22 PM] karan: Ye delete kiya tha, because I don’t know if it is true

[18/01/24, 4:40:26 PM] karan: I honestly don’t know

[18/01/24, 4:41:22 PM] karan: With each message I feel like I lose my sense of self

[18/01/24, 4:42:23 PM] karan: I also wish to disconnect from everything, I feel self-destructive and gave myself a bender till monday

[18/01/24, 4:42:54 PM] karan: My guess is that day really has affected me, it played off cool at first, but it has festered.

[18/01/24, 4:45:04 PM] karan: I feel arrogant. That day when you asked what I wanted, I realised the answer was humility

[18/01/24, 5:47:00 PM] karan: thanks, hope to see you soon

‎After texts with brother

[19/01/24, 7:15:33 AM] karan: I feel grief underneath surface anger

[19/01/24, 7:30:18 AM] karan: When we were kids and I was in 4th ish, we were in the winger. I never spoke in Hindi, but I did at the moment. You complained to dilnavaz madam. Anmol Achara asked you aisa kaun karta hai and you said that’s how he will learn or something Dad would say.

[19/01/24, 7:30:34 AM] karan: next text i sent

[19/01/24, 7:46:32 AM] karan: cracked it

[10/02/24, 11:25:33 AM] karan: All of them look great! I am particularly interested in learning to be a better life coach. I wish to give you an update on how the modelling went, also relationship situation. Please tell me when we can meet. I see how I can be an artist and at the same time help people directly. That’s all I have wanted to do as a child, and it seems I return to it. I wish to explore that.

[10/02/24, 11:25:57 AM] karan: Funny thing is if I don’t act on this, I will most likely go ahead and mess something up so I can fix it.

[13/02/24, 11:42:09 AM] karan: I also want to figure out nutrition

[09/03/24, 5:29:33 AM] karan: Good morning. what is meant by wakeful sleep in the Gita and yoga?

I am aware of yog nidra, does a yogi then sleep for the night also in this fashion?

have you experienced it or learned it?

How is it different from normal sleep (I have a feeling it creates a lot more energy which can get irritating if not harnessed well).

Also, would you say your perception of time has remained the same through your life?

Do you experience it differently?

Do you also find utility in going back to the previous concepts of time once in a while for different tasks, which is when time becomes a set of tools which can be used differently!

Finally, are these questions important or a form of procrastination? I sthere even an answer or am I distracting myself. I don’t think so, they excite me. I have not felt such excitement, does that not mean something is to be discovered? I choose to believe. I think this is my trust issue coming out again, I have noticed it rear its head this past week. I am going to a therapist on monday. Some things must be cleared out to make space for new, exciting discoveries. Have a great day!

[09/03/24, 5:29:33 AM] karan: The time query stems from my dreams, they told me of a story in which time acts similar to Raama in Raamayana, where the greek gods bring it back to end the eternity of the titans. the titans exist outside of time, and karma exists in this world as well, so their boons are inexhaustible. Time is brought to bring an end to this, to bring back the seasons of good and evil.

As for sleepless sleep, I have been feeling something which prompts me in that direction. I think my dreams are getting more and more refined and communicative, I love it.

For the past few days I have been in a toss. I think the time story also refers to the implementation of a routine, which I have known to be useful. Just yesterday I told a friend that solutions, such as waking up at 5, which I have once used, can wear out and I find myself seeking newer solutions. I also understand that this can mean newer reasons for the same solution- which in a way defines motivation no? I think the dream gave me a newer reason for time and following it. It is amazing. What’s more amazing is that today a mosquito woke me up. I wrote it a letter (not literally, I am not going crazy), more of a metaphor for hardship.

For I see what the discerning mean by opportunity in problems, and I see an opportunity in you for waking up today. It is so random, and incredible, that you have deterred me from my bed today, for sleep is a great addiction of mine. You have deterred me by the sole virtue of annoyance. Thank you.

[09/03/24, 5:29:34 AM] karan: Once again the fear of sharing this with you haunts me a bit, leading to overthought. But I was given ease by Seneca in his words which say something to this effect-

Do not use the word ‘friend’ lightly. Before you make someone your friend, you must judge them. then once you have made them a friend, you must trust them. You must tell them things as if you were speaking to yourself and hide nothing.

Thus I treat you as a friend. I am very excited by these discoveries. I find them very special to me; but there is also a gnawing sense that I am- well, something like the imposter syndrome. It is strange, I learn words like panic attacks and imposter syndrome which can help me understand my emotions. It’s like an old man learning the use of emojis to express himself on text. Granted the emojis are not 100% accurate, but I have just realised human connection is not 100% accurate. I can get that if I choose to live in my head- and does that not characterise this intimacy issue I have spoken of? Amazing. I must also inform you of another great discovery, I shall send you the writeup, but here it is in brief-

It seems to me I would like to engage in artistic expression. There is much bottled up, and art seems to be the way for me. I felt alive on the stage as a child. Artistic expression is also the antidote to trust issue no? For so many artists go through this, so many have imposter syndrome. I also hope that my art lies in the art of living.

[09/03/24, 5:44:17 AM] karan: OOO I REALISED that this thing I have where I constantly seek to be special or interesting to you, the world, anyone is also healed by artistic expression because I think there the aim is to feel special/interesting to one’s own self. It is also a synchronicity how the Psychology I am doing is under an art, not the science one.

[09/03/24, 9:42:40 AM] karan: I want to learn the violin

[09/03/24, 9:45:28 AM] karan: There was other stuff also but like a fool I thought it wil remain

[09/03/24, 9:45:43 AM] karan: Oh singing, yoga and passive income

[09/03/24, 10:12:18 AM] karan: the writeup

Dark Clouds still pass

5/3/24

853 am

A dark cloud seems settled over me. A moment ago I accepted it, who does not enjoy the darkness in monsoon. I let myself go now. I let you be, little one I seem to have tormented. Oh what a brave man who lives his life without purpose. Anyone can live with purpose. It is easy. Purpose seems to be a gift to some? Well, it is until we lose it. Like the wisdom of a child. Then we must relearn. Paradise lost. Why shall I convince myself that movement is the only way to reach a goal? Who has told you this? Can simply being not take you back to a time even you do not recall? The time before time began, when these were just blurs. What does a child feel and when does he stop? What does a happy child feel and were you one? Were you a happy child with a happy childhood? Instinct says no. How do you reconcile then?

Expression feels dead. What if I keep this bottled up, the longer I keep it the better it ages. I wonder if going to therapy would waste this fuel, and shall I save it for something like music? What a strange thought- whether I should hold onto my suffering so I gain greater meaning. The moment it feels someone will read this, everything changes. Suddenly an imposter comes in place, every word is now doubtful. Is this true? Perhaps an artist’s gift lies in being certain of his expression, unmarred by judgement or self-consciousness. Such a subtle shift. It seems the identifies are different, the one outside and one within, else why would the one within be urged by the one without to alter? If it were the same person speaking, be it to a page or to thousands, what difference does an audience make?

Where is this expression? Is this not it too? It feels the most I have thought, to have caught such a subtle moment. Wow.

Silence seems to be of two kinds, one where one does not know what to say and the other when all has been said. I seem to confuse one with another. To pursue silence so I can tell myself all has been said, but it hasn’t. There is no doubt. There is so much more to be said, to be done? To be done I do not know, but said I do know. Why does not saying count as doing? They are the same thing, for thought leads to action, be it of expression or impression. Is it so that expression is saying and impression is doing, for actions leave impressions. Actions speak louder than words they say, but they speak nonetheless. So what difference is there between an action and a word, if they are not only two paths one may choose to express. I am a lazy boy, thus I choose words? No, well, I enjoy my laziness. But it is not lazy to speak. It is to say that it is lazy to use a wheelchair, but the person is unable to walk. What does it matter to you if I reach my goal by a wheelchair or by my own feet? Am I not reaching? Thus, dear friends, put down by your own words, that judge your means, that judge how you get to a point, fret not. Keep heart, for you are noble in mere effort. It is effort that counts, why?

Because effort is how we make our presence known in the world. Effort is the present moment. Achievements are either of the past or of the future. They have the temporary power to hold the present, but tell me who shall remember those achievements you once fretted over? Mine are forgotten, in these troubled times, the certificates, the people who gave them to me, are all questioned. At most, they hold value in telling me this

‘I did it before, I can do it now, I can put in effort.’ So I do not recommend tossing these certificates aside either. But know that the certificate is of effort not of achievement. Effort matters, and sometimes just breathing can be a noble effort. Do not lose heart.

For even if it is a dismal life, even if everything contradicts and contrasts, if you feel your stars led you astray, know that at least it is yours. This is my life. This is who I am. How will I know this without expression, without climbing onto the rooftops and shouting it to the world that ‘I am here, I am alive, I am trying!’. For the world must know, else this is all in your head. You fear saying the wrong things, but we must ask how often have the right things which appeared to be right led us right into trouble? To the present, there is only the thing. To the self-conscious, there is this thing as an illusion. It will drive you mad if you seek the right things to say. It may also lead to that silence, which is convinced, that speaks not not because it has said everything and rests in its own satisfaction, but because it is afraid to speak.

Are you afraid to speak? Wipe out all evil, then this fear shall leave you. Then mistakes will seem forgivable. Then you shall be humble and admit to your faults. You shall be kind even in your criticism. For people are hurt not by their mistakes but by how these mistakes are interpreted. Interpret them gently, so that others may do so too. People only need an example, and you can be one. To yourself. Dark times, they are only a test. They test whether you shall give in to evil ways, but herein lies the heroic choice. It lies in faith that the world is not lost, because I create it. Even if it be a bad world, I have the power to transform it. For this, leave the fear of death on the doorstep of the universe. Consider, is there much else to live for if your life is constrained by death. By fear of judgement too, as this death is not meant of the body, but of the soul. It is death for an artist to express and be rejected only if that rejection is taken to heart.

Though, this death also helps the heroic. This death, much like our own circles of hell, can simply mean cleansing. So even if you shall die, you will be cleansed of all that has killed you. Eventually, you will get there. That is the promise, that you will get there, and it is a promise I do not break. ‎

5/3/24

On forgiveness

A great way to understand if what you engage in is true forgiveness or is it mere carpetry is to ask yourself do you feel powerful. Forgiveness only seems to count when it feels like a choice, and choice is reserved for the powerful. Is that not why God, all powerful, is considered all forgiving?

Thus, to truly forgive, you must have power. Then you must let go of this power to destroy, and that is a scary choice to face. Would you truly let it all go had you the chance at retribution? This is when mettle is tested. So build yourself, gain power, then your sinners will come to you. That is when your virtue shall show and I hope you forgive them. Else you become one of them, and you have failed in ending this cycle of violence. ‎

223pm 5/3/24

I saw Lakshmi today, I froze. Why did I freeze? It is now obvious to my body that indeed there is something which troubles me represented by her.

I asked her if the peace she told me of still lasts. She gave me a wonderful reply. It was realistic, down to earth and truly gave me perspective. One of the lines said to focus on becoming something, as all of these things are trivial and cease to matter.

Is that not what I needed to hear? That all of this is trivial. My obsession with some people in my life seems to me just that, an obsession. There is no magical closure, there is nothing to put out for there is no fire. It does not matter if the fire never existed or it died out by burning the house, all that matters is there is no fire.

Upon further introspection I realise what plagues me is this- I miss the power I had over people. That is what I miss thus I do not open up. That is what I seek to establish, thankfully, unsuccessfully.

It seems that I must recognise the power I have over people. It is evident to me how crazy a person can go in isolation. But it is in the deepest mine that one can find diamonds. I wish to find diamonds.

Nowhere in this phase of withdrawal have I felt a longing for other people, only a longing for myself. Thus, it is the right path. It feels like the right path. All is simple. I need not complicate. Today, let me eat good food. Then let me have a good day.

[09/03/24, 10:18:36 AM] karan: I also recognised a need for guilt- either in myself or others (for example, wanting those whom my ego thinks have hurt me, to feel guilty) What a human condition

This is something I wrote in a cafe, a diary entry:

On overcoming guilt

3pm 3/3/24 Blue Tokai

I reclaim my corners. You ever felt that urge to scream/ask ‘What the fuck?’ That’s how I felt when I walked in here. Perhaps it is seeing the contrast between my feelings and the normal world. Why do I call it a bad world? Everyone is trying to get by. There is a group of guys doing an online meeting. I respect the hustle.

Art seems to be the only way. To express this pain. I read my journal from a. year ago. It feels immature, so certain I was of my greatness. The pain it hid from I feel still. One moment I say I ought to be away from her, another I am waking up next to her.

Guilty guilty guilty. What for? For girls? Can you truly be on the right side of history? An old friend hit it on the head- praise spoilt us, our time is yet to come again. When I go up, I take him with me. My posse is enlightened, harder than ever.

Lose, loose. Not evil, just loose. Take more hits, hit further. Loose loose. The third eye was lit yesterday, many visions and sounds. It is possible to master it. How though? Why though? Cause that seems to be the only high I want. Recall the Carnival Enlightenment? The visions, incredible. Lose not the heart. You ask if speaking to those who you hurt and hurt you will resolve it, but you only try to fix. It’ll come, do not seek. You energy has more efficient use. You don’t know it.

We do not avoid our pain, nor do we chase it. This is the storm. Sin has its final assault, this poor fool thinks he can trip me with guilt. That’s how one will suffer for the last time. You will be convinced into wanting to suffer (think privilege guilt but the privilege is being a better person, the pain body seeks to drag you back). To call them seeking closure. There will be nothing for you there, you only seek to extend karma.

My dear, this guilt is not yours to bear. You must not be mistaken. Even if you sin, guilt is only an excuse for inaction. Only weak men hide behind guilt. Only weak mean seek forgiveness desperately. If you wish to be strong, carry this burden with grace and ease. A man who has overcome himself shall be sought by forgiveness herself, if he remain humble. Your victims shall forgive you truly when they see you reform. As such, do not seek forgiveness. As Kratos said, ‘Do not be sorry, be better.’

In these bouts of guilt, note this is what happens:

You tell yourself you have sinned, but cannot specify how. This is self-conflagration. It seeks only to destroy your soul- pitiful that it knows not the soul is eternal.

Then you shall seek comfort from your ‘victims’, they may give it to you then you shall say ‘no, this is not real forgiveness, they are unaware of their true feelings, I must bring them peace.’ Then you will seek to fix them. Thus you fall in the cycle.

Or they may not give you the comfort. Here you shall feel empty and hurt. You may even pity yourself. To find yourself the victim on a high road, as if your sins were some great sacrifice. Or that you are irreparable, a wasted life. That this sin shall taint you forever, shall keep you from loving and being loved. Here too, you may seek to reconcile.

Thus functions guilt. A lack of guilt is not a lack of sin, so rest east knowing that guilt is not the only way to acknowledge your sin. In fact, guilt is a way to parade your goodness. It is pathetic. Note now, how a virtuous man shall overcome sin:

To sin is to betray the soul, to leave unheard the voice of God, of the self, of integrity, of all that is whole. It is to betray yourself, simply put. Nobody shall push you from heavy, it is only a leap you take. This is precisely where your uniqueness lies. What we call purpose may just be the sin we choose to eradicate.

Thus first acknowledge that you have sinned- this is free from judgement, as judgement seeks to establish who is guilty. As before, we do not seek to find guilt, only reform.

Yes, when free from guilt, nothing tells you to admit to sin except a sincere desire to improve, why? For you shall admit to sin for nobody except yourself, precisely because when you sin you have nobody as much as yourself. What a freeing thought. In sin, you harm only yourself. Thus, free yourself from guilt to anyone. Guilt will only trap you and hate yourself.

Once the virtuous man recognises sin, he shall be in the knowledge that help is on his way. He shall become still, for he will recognise all his actions since the sin have been borne from guilt. He shall refuse to avoid the sin, to distract himself. He shall look himself squarely in the eye and simply wait. ‘What! Is this not inaction? Is this not an easy escape from the sinner who ought to be tortured?’

Dear friend, cast aside your condemnation, for one day you shall find yourself in his place. You shall find yourself looking at yourself. Thus you will be given a bittersweet reply to your accusation- that to look at yourself in sin is the greatest torture one can endure. This will happen to you if you condemn. But the virtuous man forgives with knowledge.

The virtuous man shall thus see himself in the mirror and seek to forgive himself. This needs no attempt. For just as forced forgiveness to others does not cause lasting peace, so it is with ourselves. Only with ourselves, it is much harder to lie. Moreover, seeking to forgive yourself may quickly devolve into an exercise of blame, where you establish yourself as right and others wrong. You will lose your purpose.

Thus, see yourself without any intent. Only look. Do not search for peace and you will find it. Accept your burden, what does it matter if you have picked it up yourself or it been thrust upon your back? Accept it first, then you can consider putting it down.

It will be interesting, you shall most likely carry it thinking it will make you virtuous, is this not silly? This is guilt.

Suffer, let it be. Think of nothing but your self. The self that has sinned. Cast blameless eyes upon yourself and face your scars. Just as scars may define a well use body, can the same not go for them ind? There is little difference. Get up my friend! And go forth. See your sins and rise above them.

Rise above this sin of lust, it is a disease you contracted. Yes it has harmed, but consider how many more shall suffer if you do not find a cure? And how will you find a cure if you do not get healthy? How will you improve if you remain lamenting over your disease? It is a love for life, not the fear of death, that truly heals us. Get up man. Get up and prove to this cynical world that goodness is possible. That reform is possible. That good and evil are real, that heroes and villains are different. That each one can be calm in the storm, by seeking the highest philosophy. Yours. It is possible. The world of yours is possible.

Well done. Thank you, good friend. Rest easy in reason now. All is well. ‎[09/03/24, 10:19:41 AM] karan: Ok last one, there’s so many of them, but I shall stop after this:

1046 am 2/3/24

On good and evil

In my slump, an excuse to give my soul up, I have done well. I watch a Youtube video, on quotes by villains. There is much I find stirred within. I am confronted with the fundamental question of good and evil. Directly, instead of choices like masturbation and becoming anti-social. I am confronted with the idea of what makes a hero and a villain. For this, my judgement had to go. Now it is a simple choice, made by the heart. My heart does not condemn villains. It then stands to reason that I do not condemn the darkness within. The shadow. Yet, if a villain is one who stands his ground against conviction by heroes, so does a hero stand his ground. It seems to me more difficult to be a hero in this aspect, as to be good can be confused with being nice, and giving in to the whims of evil. I wonder what this phenomenon is for villains. To be bad can be confused with being cruel, needlessly so, and giving in to the whims of evil. When we consider this, there is a commonality between a good hero and a good villain, they both stand their ground. Their values. And I imagine that they both would team up against evil that is chaotic, cruel and unfair.

For a villain has a code of conduct, just as a hero. This is reflected in our folktales, where, for example, Raavana, though he broke societal laws, stuck to his rules of not forcing Seeta. In such a way, the hero and the villain can respect each other. They can understand they have a role to play, and must not judge. Then what causes good to fight evil? Is it the same as a hero fighting a villain, for to me a villain is not evil. A villain is only a different path taken. Look at Mahabharata, the villains are justified and given release in death. I do not imagine evil to be given release. In fact, it must be kept under checks and balances. To confine being evil to only a villain is a folly, as the good too can become evil. Evil is like a disease. Both villains and heroes must stay wary of it.

The difference between a hero and a villain is what you identify with. You personally. That is a fair world. We deserve villains and heroes who have their values clearly mapped out. Who, in the analogy of life’s play, know, understand and follow their scripts. In such an understanding, my conflict against villains is reduced. I seek to bring them compassion.

Yet this compassion is tricky. It must be supported by a robust understanding of life, these are the values I seek. Based on these laws, the world will be put at rest. These laws ensure that I save the man but kill his evil.

Why are we not compassionate toward the evil? It seems to me thus: compassion can be brought about when one’s karma is understood. If I see a villain, and understand his story, I will be brought to compassion. This compassion will seek to restore this villain to his former state, before he was harmed. This compassion is based on understanding that he became a villain due to cause and effect; thus a different cause and effect can be brought about. Evil is a choice. It is not based on cause and effect, for the same causes have often led to different effects. The is no compassion for evil, because evil is a choice. If we have compassion for such a choice, then we become indecisive. Our whole love for good will be questioned, and this will cause inner turmoil.

The greatest power, it then seems to me, is to be able to extract the man out of evil. Evil is a quicksand pit. An evil man- be it a hero or a villain- is only a man stuck in this quicksand pit. Or shall we say a villain is only a man stuck in this quicksand pit. This man could have been a hero. But to say this goes against the idea of a good villain not being evil. Perhaps we can say a good villain is a man in the clutches of evil. He need not be a hero. Regardless, when we see a man in a quicksand pit, we shall not save him based on judgement. To let a villain die in such a way is not being a hero. It is the hero’s equivalent of Raavana taking Seeta without a fair fight. For cosmic order, the hero must too kill evil in a fair fight. Thus let the hero save the man. Rather, let the man save the man. Let judgement go when we are confronted with quicksand, with evil. For this unifies the hero and villain within myself. We shall save each other from quicksand, and continue our duel. Because I imagine it better to save a villain than to kill him. For this, I must kill the evil, not the man.

In such ways our stories gave the villains many chances to reconcile. This is akin to giving the chance to a villain for going back to a clean slate, before he had committed a sin. Before he chose evil. It seems to me incredibly important to give such villains a reason to choose good. If this does not happen, to kill a villain, is the last resort. For death cleanses us of our sins and boons. It is the ultimate clean slate. Thus many villains in our stories are grateful for death.

Let me make goodness look popular, for it is the only peace a man can have. Goodness. Let me fight fairly with my heroes and villains. Let us both be saved from evil. For a hero becomes evil if he lets evil thrive, as much as a villain becomes evil if he lets evil thrive. In this, we are together.

How does this translate to practicality. As a hero, when I am good, I become evil if I let evils like addiction in my friends thrive. I am evil if I am complacent and continue such friendship. I am evil if I do not communicate my feelings to those who sin, to correct them. As a villain, let us say when I am lazing in bed, I become evil if I get greedy. I become evil when my laziness is planned and extends much longer into the future- much like two children taking turns on a swing, both prone to greed, heroes and villains must take turns. When heroes become lacking in compassion, when their righteousness gets to their ego, they become evil- not villains. When villains become unfair and kill the future- let us say in my ejaculation or abandonment of goodness, rather abandonment of character and values- they become evil. This is the balance of the world.

When you grasp this, you are at ease. You have isolated evil, and shall no longer lack in decision. You shall become firm yet compassionate. For to be a hero or a villain is alright by me, but to be evil is not. Chaotic evil has no meaning just as chaotic good has no meaning. Let there be meaning in this life, for I prefer plays that make sense over those which decide their not making sense is what makes sense. There is a difference between absurd theatre and theatre that is absurd. In the former, there is intent. This itself gives the absurdity meaning. But in the latter, it is just theatre which is senseless.

[21/03/24, 6:39:40 PM] karan: it seems to me that i am unravelling and losing my will. It has been going on for quite some time, and you should be aware of it. it will also affect how much i trust and commit too. i have been trying to do something alone and i do not know what is the right path- even to say this is questionable.

[21/03/24, 6:56:20 PM] karan: let us do it online, in earnest I feel there is something that must be understood. What do you think?

[26/03/24, 9:16:56 PM] karan: i realise i am afraid to become what i can be

[28/03/24, 5:59:28 PM] karan: I imagine a future period where I can be a freelancer and do high paying workshops as needed in different countries and travel around

[31/03/24, 1:16:32 PM] karan: People do not care how much you know unless they know how much you care- I enjoy this because it sums up how I felt about trust in our last conversation. When you clarified that you care about where I land, that is what I was looking for.

[31/03/24, 1:41:00 PM] karan: 31/3/24

140pm

I recognise the utility of values in orienting our lives.

I also understood why it is not wise to say ‘I value everything’, prematurely. This can be a result of a person who is afraid to try out values. They may declare this to avoid the work true values require. They say that the person who loves everything loves nothing. Who values everything values nothing. The one who chooses both sides chooses neither. This is in fact the ideal. I wish to choose no sides, but this can be done actively by choosing both.

Similarly, we must go from having no values to some values to no values again. It is the same as going from valuing everything to valuing some things to valuing everything. Or valuing everything to valuing some things to valuing nothing. Or whatever combination- the centre is valuing something.

It is great to value something. This is choosing a path. This path takes us to the ‘one’, to God, whatever you call it. To the goal. And when we reach this goal we shall look back and see the countless roads that led to this goal. These roads are ‘values’ in this context. Thus, we can value everything, for everything leads to the same goal. But to declare this, you must first reach. If you value everything already, that means you take all the roads. How is this possible? To keep changing roads would mean you reach no where.

Thus to value something is an important step. There will come a time when this value too shall shed.

I recognise I value freedom.

This can help me orient my life and decisions, as well as thoughts. Have thoughts that keep you free. Have lunch so your day is free. Finish your tasks so your day and mind are free.

This thought came to me in the morning from Osho, he suggested freedom is a good criterion. Then I watched Gulrajni Sir’s video, in it he spoke of values being fundamental to leadership.

Thus I write now. Freedom is a value that can encompass many other values. Money, honesty, love, these can become attachments. Freedom is the opposite of attachment. Although, freedom can become an attachment itself if we obsess. A value, perhaps, is something that can help us orient life with, but it cannot become life itself. I wonder. The point where a value becomes obsession. Is there such a thing? There is a shadow to everything they say, what is the shadow here?

I can imagine this- in the name of freedom we oppress. We may say ‘let me remain in bed, without plans, for this keeps me free.’ I recognised a great difference between freedom and inaction, is that freedom spills into the future too. A decision made with freedom in the moment will keep you free in the next. A decision made with inaction in the moment will trap you in the next. For example, being in bed may keep me free right now, but work may be piling up. In this case, the so called value of freedom becomes an excuse to be lazy.

So, freedom is in the presence of courage. Have the courage to free yourself. There are many bondages, they keep coming up, we must have the courage to free ourselves from these. Ultimate freedom lies, I suspect, in simply knowing these bondages are not real. Ultimate freedom is in the freedom to be.

[03/04/24, 4:15:19 PM] karan: I feel uneasy and egoistic. I think I don’t like being involved with the family stuff all that much when I myself feel a bit messed up.

[05/04/24, 8:42:50 AM] karan: yk i recognised how dad urges on abhishek to do something after a period of calm is like my inner voice which always keeps trying to ‘fix’ me, I recognised that voice today and how it means i am unemployed for now

[05/04/24, 8:43:27 AM] karan: that gives me empathy for my brother

[05/04/24, 7:55:04 PM] karan: i intend to smoke drink and party

[05/04/24, 7:55:39 PM] karan: or want

[05/04/24, 7:55:47 PM] karan: what’s the difference between want and intent

[05/04/24, 8:04:26 PM] Sir: Intend indicates a plan for the future. Want is a desire. Wish is a hope. ‎Decision is the last step before action where the intent is crystallised to give in to the want and make the wish a reality :) Reflect’ is a good option to make before ‘decision’ . Reflect includes awareness ( knowing what and why) and analysis ( thinking about pros and cons) of intent, want, and wish . ‎

[05/04/24, 8:33:03 PM] karan: damn that is thorough

[05/04/24, 10:46:09 PM] karan: i think music

[05/04/24, 10:46:17 PM] karan: i want to produce music

[05/04/24, 10:49:12 PM] karan: i recognize in my greatest days music flows

[05/04/24, 10:49:16 PM] karan: new songs come

[05/04/24, 10:49:21 PM] karan: and i fall in love

[05/04/24, 10:51:25 PM] Sir: U sing?

[05/04/24, 10:51:51 PM] karan: i took classes!

[05/04/24, 10:51:58 PM] karan: there was a great fear of singing

[05/04/24, 10:52:05 PM] karan: i took classes and i am very proud of that

[05/04/24, 10:52:14 PM] karan: to have set a goal of 20 classes

[05/04/24, 10:52:17 PM] karan: well i did 10

[05/04/24, 10:54:04 PM] karan: but hey i practiced tabla and vocals diligently for a relatively long time. two months. i wish i had a conducive atmosphere, why do i feel i dont get the teachers i deserve? it feels bad. i feel alone in my efforts and drop out thinking there is only so much i can achieve alone. i now see it as loneliness.

[05/04/24, 10:54:47 PM] karan: that is how i have functioned in the past. i get periods of great drive and energy to pursue things then they drop away. i wonder if it means a lack of commitment and is a bad thing. i feel fear.

[05/04/24, 10:55:14 PM] karan: dancing also i loved as a child. i wish to pursue.

[05/04/24, 10:55:23 PM] karan: there is a huge wish list i have

[05/04/24, 11:26:52 PM] karan: i want to produce music like kanye west. I thought of writing to him again asking how do i learn to produce music like you if i never grew up in the culture you did?

but then his instagram doesnt accept messages

[05/04/24, 11:41:21 PM] karan: i understood better the trap of improving in life too is what i face

[05/04/24, 11:42:53 PM] karan: i’ve been feeling like dropping out

[05/04/24, 11:43:12 PM] karan: but i tell myself two months

[05/04/24, 11:43:38 PM] karan: this was the worst experience ever, growing up

[06/04/24, 11:13:01 AM] karan: it is part of my website. i had created a rule saying not to share it. i wish to understand that rule better, why would i create something like that, what are the nuances. can you help me understand this

[06/04/24, 11:37:16 AM] karan: i am upset about these rules. part of me says there should be no rules and the other clings on. i am upset that i think like this. I feel i had tasted not thinking like this but i am back to square one. why is that? is it normal? is it part of the path

[06/04/24, 11:37:30 AM] karan: i want to focus on sexuality and understand it

[06/04/24, 12:05:26 PM] karan: if an insight tells me to do something, then that state of being is gone, is the insight still valid and ought to be followed? should one try to go back to where he was joyful, or let it be and let joy come anew

[06/04/24, 12:10:56 PM] karan: i think it is fear of expression. this website has become a great repository of some kind, of my life experiences and writings. there are many of them. i think i am afraid to show it to the world, thus the rule. i am afraid of expressing this and showing someone my world. but i have felt a few times i should show it to you, as that is a fuller picture. i also wanted to share it because i hope you will enjoy it.

[06/04/24, 12:11:44 PM] karan: i also wished to tell you that for the last 6 years i have had a journal. if we need to look at something of a past, maybe it might help you gain a better idea and we can go over that period.

[07/04/24, 5:27:46 PM] karan: I feel unless I sort something out, I will end up with faulty thoughts and go down a bad path

[07/04/24, 7:35:19 PM] karan: initially i starved for something i could go all out at, commit and learn and be the best at. i was not so smart as an infant accordibg to my score cards. then we shifted schools and from the 2nd to the 9 th i was on the top. 9th i failed for the first time. i was distraught. then i changed schools and i was back on top. then finland. after finland i was depressed, i put in no effort on school. two months before the 11th exam i got up. i learned to study and to put in effort. for the first time i measured myself by the hours i put in. then i came first in the country. though i was sad, those two months of all out effort are some fond ones. the SATs too i pursued with the same effort. as these events ended, i wanted something to put effort into. it felt like i was a bullet with no target. i recognize blame toward the externals, parents teachers and society, for not giving me anything worth striving for or helping me find my happiness. as a child i wished to change the world. i recognised in my dark days how this is such a precious want, and that it was a gifted want. now it seems that want slowly comes up again. it seems that i deliberately exiled myself, to find my way back. so i can be confident in my ability to adapt. i have gotten very comfortable in mediocrity now. i will accept this. i will accept that i want to be seen as special- although there has been a taste of humility, but it seems i only say i do not want to be special. i do not recognise the speciality of others. i feel pessimistic and angry at the world. it feels mediocre to accept this- here too i recognise the fixed mindset. i sense a part that seeks praise for recognising its faults.

i wonder- praise does not hit anymore. is it because i dont go after it or because i seek more and more- like a drug, that i have grown a tolerance to it. bas hogaya abh. i am mad. i am upset at having fucked myself over. or gotten fucked up. whatever it is. whatever is the cause. i am angry. i dont want to be sober nowadays. i feel it is a response to the anger. why the fuck do i keep questioning and proving my humility. it is one thing to keep on trying to prove ourselves to others. that is fixed mindset. but it is infinitely worse to keep on trying to prove ourselves to our own self. i hate it. i hate that i have split myself up. i hate that i have gone through difficult things- and i cant give myself that. i cant fully say yes that sucked and i cant fully say it did not. what the fuck man. where is my humanity gone? even to people- they say i come off as non caring. that i think too much and too deep. what is this world- once it praises you for bring quiet then it condemns you for it. and we are the fools who play by its rules. these rules suck. i dont want them. i want a better world. i am sick and tired of this idea of greatness i have planted in my head which keeps me paranoid about the legacy each action will leave. how later on people will pull up my past and see contradictions. i hate that i try to express myself unidimensionally. what is next? all of this feels like a lie. i thought i was going up but i am going down. too many thoughts, so little action because there is nothing i want to do. eugh.

[07/04/24, 7:36:53 PM] karan: my failures are hidden so deep down that i have convinced myself they dont exist

[07/04/24, 7:37:09 PM] karan: i have in fact done this by removing my standards

[07/04/24, 7:37:29 PM] karan: more in fact i wonder if these standards existed in the first place.

[07/04/24, 7:42:41 PM] karan: i really need to ask myself how i screwed up

[07/04/24, 7:45:55 PM] karan: i dont want to know how to handle failure i want to know how to handle success

[07/04/24, 7:54:08 PM] karan: i guess i have a great chance to see the growth mindset- the book upsets me, i will finish it

[08/04/24, 6:49:18 AM] karan: dreamt abhishek is. a motivational speaker

[08/04/24, 8:35:18 AM] karan: there is resentment against teachers, adults that sort. i feel they were too ignorant for me to thrive.

[08/04/24, 8:51:39 AM] Sir: It’s true, we don’t get to choose what cards we are dealt..

So now that you are an adult, you can seek out and select those who u think can help you.

[08/04/24, 8:59:18 AM] karan: haan

[09/04/24, 11:06:43 AM] karan: i wish to understand why i don’t complete some things

[09/04/24, 11:08:55 AM] Sir: Maybe you need to train your attention not to wander. Maybe you lose interest cos you realise it’s not interesting. Maybe you are afraid of hard work, and are spoilt. Maybe after you start you realise it’s not giving you what you are looking for. Many possibilities 😊 ‎

[09/04/24, 11:54:10 AM] karan: why if a fear of hardwork related to spoilt

[09/04/24, 11:54:24 AM] karan: that feels judgemental

[09/04/24, 11:54:50 AM] karan: so i guess it is something that bothers me

[09/04/24, 11:55:19 AM] Sir: You have to realise which one option is it is. All are judgements. It’s about making judgements that are closest to reality.

[09/04/24, 11:55:42 AM] karan: yes but to me that one feels like an attack

[09/04/24, 11:55:51 AM] karan: i think i have some resentment with that idea

[09/04/24, 11:56:03 AM] Sir: So drop it if it’s not true. These are just options

[09/04/24, 11:56:40 AM] karan: i have held it against myself too, this privilege guilt, and some have called me that. i hate it because it is crippling to think how easily people labeled me privileged or spoilt before knowing me

[09/04/24, 11:56:53 AM] karan: yes

[09/04/24, 11:57:19 AM] karan: i think it is good

[09/04/24, 11:57:32 AM] karan: to be reminded of it, i had forgotten. it guides me under the surface.

[09/04/24, 11:57:33 AM] Sir: These are options of possible reasons for anyone ( not just you) who doesn’t usually complete things.

[09/04/24, 11:59:37 AM] karan: haan sir, i am saying that the fact i felt triggered may mean it has some significance for me

[09/04/24, 11:59:58 AM] karan: ki kuch unresolved hai

[09/04/24, 11:59:59 AM] Sir: Yes, appreciate your realising n sharing this

[09/04/24, 12:00:01 PM] karan: what do you think

[09/04/24, 12:00:18 PM] karan: it is similar to how you said your rings get in the way of you negotiating

[09/04/24, 12:00:38 PM] karan: i have felt my wealth has gotten in the way of feeling human

[09/04/24, 12:00:54 PM] Sir: It’s there any truth in this

[09/04/24, 12:01:18 PM] karan: recently i realised it is not just material wealth, but psychological-or whatever it is- wealth as well ‎<This message was edited>

[09/04/24, 12:01:39 PM] Sir: Human u cannot escape being. It may have shaped the way you view things.

[09/04/24, 12:01:39 PM] karan: it’s ?

[09/04/24, 12:01:56 PM] karan: being toh hai, but feeling sometimes gets clouded

[09/04/24, 12:02:27 PM] karan: and we play silly games to escape that feeling- calling oursleves gods or nothing at all

[09/04/24, 12:02:47 PM] Sir: For example u told me u are used to getting things for free because of your background. Would this be a part of this

[09/04/24, 12:03:31 PM] karan: no, i dont think so. i rhink it would have been if i began to expect or demand or feel entitled to receiving things for free. then this would have gotten in the way of hard work

[09/04/24, 12:03:43 PM] Sir: Got it

[09/04/24, 12:06:14 PM] karan: the world i come from, a deep idea in chidlhood, was one where rags to riches is important. i felt sad that i had no rags, my story wont be interesting. when i say wealth got in the way, i think i mean this-

one can be spoilt, and the world will label him as spoilt and judge him. even if he is working hard.

i would do that to myself. i may be working hard or doing things but i would give myself shit about having so much, that it doesnt matter what i achieve. now i feel more towards feeling, it does not matter what i achieve, it is more important to feel life in the process.

[09/04/24, 12:06:54 PM] karan: but there is some resentment from the past. that the ideas of the world can screw with me.

[09/04/24, 12:07:21 PM] karan: i have run out of things to say now. i feel tired. have a good day. thanks for listening.

[10/04/24, 11:19:40 AM] Sir: Feel free to send me your thoughts about Abhishek and your understanding about what must be done by your dad and mum to make him feel better

[10/04/24, 11:26:48 AM] karan: i feel so much anger

[10/04/24, 11:43:32 AM] karan: i dont want to do this i hate the fact that i feel i am trying to live my life do my own thing but these fuckers keep bringing in such stupid shit. i wish we all dropped it and i hate the suffering. it is so fucking unnecessary. abhishek feels like shit, ok. let him. but blaming others wont help. i am not saying it is wrong or right it just wont help. i hate that he took so many moral stances against me, calling me someone who does not care or would sell the family to get by, whereas i was trying to help. why tf would i help? i dont want to help. i hate that he told me my ideas will implode. he snitched on me when we were kids. he told an ex to vandalise a book i gad given her. that book meant everything to me and that asshole sided against me. fuck his morality, he is the same father he hates. i dont want this. i hate that i am angry. i dont care anymore. i dont want to.

then there is mother and father. they need to start doing shit or at least do something instead of micromanaging his life. i am sick of this. i hate the blame game. i hate that i cannot fix. i hate that i am subject to this nonsense.

with that rant done.

maybe they should all try smoking up and just chilling out yk? they need to learn to chill. it is a valid skill.

as for my brother, he needs that growth mindset from that book. all of us need it. he needs it so he can move on from failure. it is okay what he feels. it will work out. i just hope he doesnt kill himself, spiritually and psychologically. i hope we get him back. i hope we get my parents back. they need an enlightening experience. sudden enlightenment. that comes in the deepest conflict and suffering. i hope this happens. i want that.

dad and mum cannot make him feel better. all three of them are suffering. they do not have the knowledge or detachment that can let them put aside their suffering for him, in an aware way. else they will do it by repression. they have not the awareness to watch themselves react to suffering. they have come a long way in this, but if you ask them to make him feel better, it will not work. instead, as abhishek is expressing his issues, parents can do it too. let them see each others challenges and help each other. if abhishek is true about his desire for service and care, let him learn how to do this healthily, for the people he despises a lot, his parents. then he will find more love for them. he needs to make them feel better, and they need to make him feel better. it has to be two ways, else you end up neglecting one party. this will not work. this love will become conditional. that is what i feel.

nobody makes us feel better except ourselves. i have seen my parents try to make him feel better, it has hurt them instead. i do not stand for that. if you are helping him, help each one of them. abhisheks issues are his parents. it is his fathers regret, pressure and morality crushing him. it is also crushing his father. thus they get triggered by each other. i have seen my father recognise the patterns. they think they are separate, but they are on the same point in their journey. if you do not free my father too from this, they both will die.

the same for my mother. my brothers unwillingness to act and take responsibility is of his mothers. she too suffers from this. she too feels too much and cannot detach. she too blames so many people, and feels helpless. if you do not help her, you cannot free my brother either.

and to help them, one party can start. but we must not think they are separate parties, they are the same thing, the same phenomenon. it will be wrong to expect them to help him.

however, something can be done. if you ask what my parents must do to make him feel better, then they must acknowledge this pattern and see it. they must be free from this pattern, only then will he feel better. his possibility is limited by what he has seen in his parents. if he sees them change, if he sees them overcome the same issues which plague him, then he too will be free.

this is what i feel. i believe you know what to do, and hope you succeed.

[10/04/24, 11:47:10 AM] karan: part of me- all of us drop acid together

[12/04/24, 12:00:08 PM] karan: i read that mindset book. the last idea that stood out was how to identify and provide people their ideal conditions for growth. i feel this is a good way to think in the meetings, for the family.

[12/04/24, 12:04:36 PM] karan: the ideal, the highest potential i see for my family is this-

my brother frees himself from the past. he goes on to start a business, or on a journey of self discovery. he becomes kind and compassionate again.

my father begins new projects and remains occupied. he learns to communicate with others and inform them of his decisions and be mindful of their needs.

my mother learns to express herself without attacking. she learns to notice anxiety and does things to alleviate it. she begins to find fulfilment in life, does artistic stuff like dancing and painting. she learns new things and advises people.

for me, i learn intimacy and how to trust. how to express myself. i learn to create a new genre of life, and listen better. i gain better understanding of anger.

[12/04/24, 12:05:51 PM] karan: there are good omens. one of my fears was i will interrupt. this morning i have woken up with a sore throat. i cannot speak. i am happy.

[12/04/24, 12:06:56 PM] karan: i recognise a fixed mindset of mine. i find myself very judgmental these days towards people and my life situation

[13/04/24, 11:16:47 AM] karan: in june, my brother had asked me to go to kodai kanal. we planned the trip but i no longer wished to go. he was upset so i went. there we did shrooms. before this trip, i was making great progress on my path. all my ties were being let go of. however, after this trip, a great negativity entered me. i have never felt the same since. i feel tainted. this is something that greatly upsets me.

[13/04/24, 11:17:48 AM] karan: that may be a great resentment i hold toward him, and i wonder if this meeting can resolve it. i do not feel like i belong to my family anymore. i have felt this way for a while now.

[14/04/24, 10:10:08 AM] karan: I am afraid I may have taken it personally

[14/04/24, 10:10:14 AM] karan: I also wish to run old age homes

[14/04/24, 10:10:22 AM] Sir: I felt so

[14/04/24, 10:10:41 AM] karan: Yes, on a deeper level something moved

[14/04/24, 10:11:48 AM] karan: what does one do?

[14/04/24, 10:19:27 AM] Sir: Let it be, let it pass. We will do deeper work on it later if needed. It’s too soon to even process it, let alone do anything. Let’s focus today on our trip’s goal

[14/04/24, 10:23:31 AM] karan: Alright

[14/04/24, 1:29:38 PM] karan: in my places all people will have their name tags, they will respond only to their name