10/6/24

Can’t make it like this. Must do better. Yes, I was dealt a decent hand. It doesn’t feel enough for me but may be for others. Don’t know the lore. Child from an unhappy marriage, different breed of suffering.

Later

Went for a meditation session. It was nice. Quite blocked. Came home, to hear my mom say dad was snarky. Woke up to my mother yelling. Yesterday too, my mother entered the room. Accidentally the door slammed and made a huge noise. She began to cry thinking she messed up in waking me.

What a conflict this child would feel, in thinking his feelings make the mother upset. To see someone cry just because you exist. I don’t wish this living upon anyone. Constant fear.

I hate this house, yes. I wish I wasn’t born, yes. I see a huge split between. I don’t know what to feel, but the clarity is coming. Soon. I will continue my efforts in meditation. Suffering is a great time for calm.

Something good will come from this, there is no doubt. In only 4 days, I feel motivation come back. This poor ankle is hurt, it shall heal. It isn’t that it is an excuse for me to be idle, it is a stopped holding me back. Let me attain clarity. Let me have a good, direct mind leading my actions.

There is quite a lot of possibility. Good people around. They may not be positive, but at least if you ignore them they aren’t negative. They leave you alone.

A funny incident at the signal- a couple on a bike. The man was about to hurry then said ‘bhenchod why am I hurrying?’

A good layout for my room came to me as well. It is exciting.

Their voices hurt my head. Why am I so irritated?

Let me eat and sleep now. That is best.