My father asked me to pay back the money I spent, as a joke. Then he told me how me running around makes them feel bad. By now, I had shut off. I wished I was stronger, that I could have heard the whole thing nonchalantly. I was hungry. Right now, I am triggered, and trying to come back.
As I read The Palace of Illusions, I relate a lot to Panchaali. I feel she too would feel what I feel. I feel that she would get me.
I went, because I wanted to. I came back because I wanted to. I am not angry, just sad. I am sad, because he told me they feel bad. Just before, I had read a line that said to keep yourself away from the sorrow of others. I am grateful though, that I did not get angry. I am grateful that I am spending time with myself. It makes me feel guilty, that he may feel bad. I do not think he will. I am beginning to understand the masculine does not care about these things.
I keep wondering, is there a way to deal with these things. The best I can do is to not harbour resentment. In a sense, I broke my meditation. Why? He then said I am not taking it positively. Why should I take anything in any other way than that which I wish?
I wish to cry. I feel misunderstood. He then tells me that my body has its limits. It really does not. I was afraid to be proven wrong, that I would fall sick, but I slept so soundly. I had wonderful dreams. This gives me confidence. I believe that he says such things to himself, so he can remain in a comfort zone.
To be truthful, encounters like these, overhearing fights, hearing the sound of cheeks clapping in the night, sharp sounds in the middle of the night, not being heard, these things make me ill.
I think I got up and left to process. I am very happy about that.
A clear mind is unafraid. What else did he say?
He asked me why I came back, I said because I promised. Perhaps this too was wrong, I should have said because I wanted to. There are many things I try to say to appease.

My mother came in, said that Dad thinks everything he says hurts the kids. I am not hurt, just triggered. It seems to me that it is my responsibility to explain trauma to them. I do not wish to blame, I think I have been procrastinating because I do not want to mess it up. I am scared, but I will not be this way. It is sad how confused they must be.
Later-

I have explained. They have understood. Very good step.