There are parts full of hatred. I have experienced hatred for many things, it has conflicted with my ideal of love. This conflict has made me hate love itself, for if there were no love to stop it, my hatred could reign- instead I feel conflict and constrained.

Just as it is possible to love every single thing, it seems hatred is possible for the same as well. I have hated women, men, children. I have hated those who are happy and those who are sad. I have hated tyrants and that which brings about tyranny equally as I have hated the victims and innocence. I have hated the good things, for they will become a target for evil and thus suffer. In their suffering, I suffer, so I hate the shooter as much as the target for existing.

I do not belong with them. I do not belong with those who lay down their lives for love nor with those who beat their children out of love. I do not belong with the children who are innocent nor those full of sin. I do not belong with them because I hate belonging itself, labelling myself as much as I hate not having a place to belong to.

Where then do I belong truly, because something that is not there is here, and this here is still somewhere, otherwise I simply do not exist. Well, I do.

Then what is the point here? The point here is this, that which my hatred has manifested into aggression is to be channelised. I hate that world, I am in this world. Yet, to be in this world while I know the other exists is annoying. Yet, I do not belong there so I do not wish to go out party or be normal. I try, sometimes it works. Yet, there is a better way.

I know the strength of aggression. I know the weakness of humanity. I know I hate that it is weak, I wish I could love it. I also know others prey on this weakness, so let me gather that aggression for protection then. I am not part of them, they are good, and to harbour my hatred I must have the good, thus when something threatens that good my hatred is threatened, then that threat cannot be. If it is, then I cannot be. As I am hatred, just as Christ was love. My aggression pushes things, nothing has made me fuller than being aggressively good.

Some people are slow, they do not understand long term actions. I could sit and say 'Well, they have their freedom, who are you to step in?' I step in because if they do not get better, I have nothing to hate. I need goodness to survive.

So many times I have judged my hatred, but perhaps it only needs to be channeled. It is a force as much as love, only a negative one. It is in abundance too, imagine we could harness our irritation, our evils and our anger. What great things can be achieved. Instead, we neglect them. How will you run, when that which pursues is within?

I wish to be loving, if I am hateful then I wish to transmute it into love by hating everything. I do. I try to run from this, but I am not a great person. I have seen myself be violent, fearful and terrible. The worst part, I justified each minute of it. Now as I look back, I am anguished from the conflict- I wish to be loving yet I was hateful. I wish to hate myself for it, but if I wish to be loving then should I not love exactly that which prevents me from loving. Is that not the final test?

And so, this conflict has made me love hate itself, for if there were no hatred then my love could not reign- instead I feel relief and unstrained.