Hello

It is the 18th of June, 1112 am. I am in Nashik. I have been home for the last 12 days. Or was it 11?

I have spent my time so far with an injured ankle. I got to meet a wonderful bone setter. I also began meditation sessions with another gentle doctor who makes me feel safe. These sessions have helped me overcome multiple blocks. I understood that there is an act of mine that kept me from deserving good things in my life. The next day, this act reached completion in a way that would be difficult to deny. This completion came a moment after I meditated alone for the first time with technique. It was incredibly encouraging.

I have spent time with my father. We visited a harmonium teacher. She too is gentle. I had asked my father for 10 classes together. I had also asked him to choose a place to go on a trip together. We are going to Ladakh for a week. These were birthday presents I asked for.

Speaking of which, I have considered my birthday to be a historically terrible day. Something goes wrong each time, so I thought. This time, it was a peaceful day. It was very calm and relaxed. I had a good dinner, a good watch party and a good day.

Yes, in the afternoon my face was sullen, however I stuck with it. It was ok. I learned to let things flow and go. How people may joke, it may hurt. It became clearer to me that we have the power to hurt- both ways.

Instead, I watched a movie called ‘One Life’ with Dad. What a movie, we both cried. We also watched another movie that week, ‘Chandu Champion'‘. 2 movies in 12 days, not bad.

In these days I also began reading ‘The Power of Your Subconscious Mind’. It is encouraging. I have been playing God of War Ragnorak. It takes much of my time, however, I hope to gain my time back by finishing the game. The difficulty I have chosen does not permit a swift passage. I must be patient and ration my time.

My aunts on my mother’s side were here when I came. They left. My brother too went on a week long trip. I hope it was good for him. It came at a time I thought he needed space from the family.

I also have been watching porn these last few days. It is alongside a feeling of anxiety, laziness and lethargy. My brain does not feel clear. I do not feel satisfied with food, with water. I have also understood how I use porn to keep myself from feelings that are difficult. One of these I recognised (I hope it is the only one) is a feeling of unworthiness. My doctor had given me an affirmation that said ‘I am worthy of goodness in my life’ and ‘I am worthy of pure love in my life’. I see why these came to me. I recognised that the inaction I feel stems from a lack of self-worth.

Today in my meditation I recognised this. I decided to unpack my things from Bangalore, to begin action.

As I was opening my eyes and saying this meditation to be complete, kaka came into my room with my things. Thus, today I arranged my room. How nice, don’t you think?

Then I have also visited Fabindia, gotten an idea of what I would like my room to look like, met Parimal, met Sachin Sir for Karate (anxiety inducing to set momentum, but pushed), and we got a new car! Not to mention the completion of karma with Durga. Walks and long calls with Kahuwa. Playing Valorant has been a lot of fun as I said earlier.

Here’s to a better tomorrow!