Jung writes of the androgyny of Christ. I have been feeling so long for this. I do not get where I fall in, I do not seek anything. People say I am feminine, I enjoyed and detested this, but never understood this. I wonder- yet again I am tempted by desiring uniqueness, that I wish to be the only one. Remember, you can either have your wish and be alone, recognize you are alone, or you can let go and see what happens. Unique and together at the same time. This is possible, for the very idea of androgyny cannot be construed by the mind.

Heh, do I seek? I know now. It does bring me peace, to know there is a way to understand this part of me which loves both masculine ambition and female peace. Chaos and order, both are within. I like this concept, because it means no more labels. If you have both the fruits, why would you choose? Do you not call it a circle, even though there are two halves? Do you label the halves or just call it a circle? Do you label my halves, or just call me a person. Finally, a person!

Another concept he speaks of is the difference in the east and the west. Here too, my situation is unique. I am eastern by birth but western in thought. I am masculine by birth but feminine by thought. These things have changeed, for when I discovered the eastern thoughts I fell in love. If I let go of choice, am I not always often in love? If I let go of time, do I not have eternity?

I taste freedom, I feel grateful. The east is feminine, thus in enlightenment it becomes masculine and declares I am the creator. While the west is masculine, thus in enlightenment it becomes feminine and declares I am the created. This is what I think Jung is saying.

How funny then, I am on both sides. I am here and there, and the trouble rises when I label both halves. This life is wonderful. I am taken care of, for I am taking care of it. Weirdo. Heh.

Oh, and androgyny seems to be a different way than celibacy. I suspect it will help me understand better. My God, is my desire to not be in a relationship or masturbate rising not from fear of women and loss of energy, but because it is possible to be complete within? How incredible! How can I then masturbate out of chasing? I still hope for a clean slate, to let the past go. The past is full of masturbation and porn, thus it may be the devil for me?

Jung gave me a great new idea to look at the devil, it is anything that takes me back into unconsciousness: Porn, masturbation in the context of porn (I feel that a 90 day reset of masturbation will bring me peace. If I do that, and then even if I end up masturbating, I believe I will not feel guilt.), anger, victimhood, submissiveness. Oh my. East to west to east to west. Androgyny gives integration.

Exciting.