26/06/23

i think I am going crazy. Yeah. i have been having mood swings. one moment i feel peace, that moment was a month ago. i felt i had it figured out, just gotta maintain this. this mindset that all is okay.

then i went home. family has a curious effect of regressing me. i go back to my old ways. where once i was waking up well, always before 7, pushups, nutrition meditation and a great physique (people for the first tome complimented my body heh), now i wale with difficulty. i have constant thoughts. like i ate too much poha at a friends house then felt guilty about what if uncle does not have enough. or that i felt ill so i said i would like to eat at home last minute.

sigh anxiety. i now see it as this looming figure. always with me. a dark cloud. i think i am going crazy. i was screaming and crying a few days ago. parents talking in slightly raised voices raised my heart beat. i felt scared.

i think soooooo much. i hate it, i feel like a loser. i try to be positive but then i tell myself only losers try to be better, winners are already there. Ugh. Whyyyy. Well i am okay.  i breathe through it. funny part is this is vacation. idk how to relax. i am learning. apparently you do nothing. just sit. chill. if you feel like peeing get up to pee. hungry, eat. don’t judge the food. let friends call you, or if you remember someone call them. This last one is tricky.

i wonder if calling them is chasing them. what would we talk about? am i too attached? Shouldn’t i learn to be on my own?  weirdo.

i hate doing bad things. i hate thinking what i am doing is bad, people don’t even think of it often. their priorities are different. i used to seek forgiveness, it was useful. now i wait for it to come. that os useful but then i think too much. go crazy.

even sharing. i do not want to tell something to someone. not like i am hiding it, maybe i am. regardless i give myself shit for not being honest and open. but i don’t wannaaaa.