I was combing my hair, and then I saw it- a white strand. People had told me earlier I had a few white hair. It hits different when you see it yourself. It is funny, stress causes white hair and white hair causes stress- one of them you can control.

I felt a rush of emotion. I felt anger at this world for leading me to this. I hated myself for being here in this place with crappy water for hair, which is so stressful and frustrating. I felt sad. Grief that I am slipping. I wonder what truly is causing my hair to grey.

Either way, is it worth it? Is all this stress I am causing to myself worth its if my hair is going grey? No. Let me relax. Let me be by myself and not put too much pressure. I feel exhausted every day nowadays. I find myself worrying about relapsing into porn, hyper obsessed with making it to 90 days without porn or masturbation. I find myself busy and hungry. I have not eaten satisfactorily in a long time. WhatsApp stresses me out. So many things stress me out. Let me be by myself today then.

Yet, it feels terrible. This emptiness. Perhaps it is boredom, I now recall it is to be overcome. Let me remain bored today. Let me not seek much pleasure or pain. For to work yourself is to seek pain. Let me be still and with my feelings. Let me only do that which must be done.

You have time. Today is a holiday. You have time, this I remind you again and again. My eyes look tired.