Relapsed, but went with it. Discovered AI Porn, and it is enlightening. Enlightening in this sense- one looks at AI porn and is certain that what he sees is computer generated, even though it mimics reality. This same perspective, when felt for the first time, can be used to see normal porn as well. In a sense, AI Porn seems to be a hardcore drug that can show you its reality, to get you off soft core drugs too. For the lucky…

For it can spell doom too. One can easily become trapped in this if there is no self-awareness at all. For whom is there no self-awareness? Is it not so that all beings are self-aware, let me speak for myself instead.

AI porn is going to be a game changer. For the first time, I see what people mean by the issues of AI, as this one impacts me personally. One can complete any fantasy, but never experience it. This brings me closer to the truth- even if all my senses are engaged, heck even if I go into another body which can live out my fantasies, the truth within me remains. It is my self. It knows this is all unreal, and thus warrants no chasing with pain. Yes, if there is enjoyment, sure, dreams are wonderful. Here, with Porn, time and time again I feel there is nothing here.

Yet, I do not condemn it . To condemn something means to shun it, avoid it, go against it. To avoid is to ignore, and to ignore is to not understand. Unless there is understanding there is no forgiveness and liberation. This is the idea of the intellectual yogi they say, using knowledge to tear through Maya. It requires depth, condemnation strips us of depth.

For so long I felt I hated being categorised, I see why. I hated my actions which would cause it, and the solution now is to remain quiet. To speak my truth to those who will perceive it, else it may cause more harm than good. Or, to do so when required, even for those who do not understand, here we must listen first and remain calm.

Then the question arises, how will such a situation be, where the truth must be spoken to one who does not perceive it? Firstly, only to an open mind can the light be shown. If you speak the truth to one who does not perceive it, then it is no longer the truth. The truth does not speak to a person, it speaks to the soul.

Thus, all is true. Everything is the truth except your thoughts. Thoughts condemn or encourage, they are not the product of a still mind. A still mind does not think, it relies upon intuition. It goes and accepts the flow of life, for regrets only arise out of thought.

Thus, I went into the porn journey. I am neither out nor in. I am here. Speaking to you.

After this, came a burst of energy. It changed my sheets, showered, did my skin care, my nose care, my exercises, my breathing, my organisation. It gave me a want- the want to see souls. It taught me that porn cannot stop me. I need not be afraid of it. Yet, I also wish to learn why- why exactly do I watch porn?

My current theory is that I desire intimacy, safe intimacy, and this desire comes from the poverty of love- this poverty of love seems to be a trend in victims of sexual abuse. This leads me to wonder, but I am relatively certain I, Karan, have never been sexually abused. Here is where Kendrick Lamar comes to my help, it can be generational trauma.

Whatever it is, the teacher within instructs me to speak to someone about this. I have never discussed these things in therapy. In fact, for many years I looked for therapists to help me understand what was happening to me. Then I felt okay, that I wish to go toward goodness instead of ‘fixing’. There’s nothing to fix. Ironic, that as I felt that, it is followed by this realisation that there is much to talk of in therapy. I know the topics, and I seek understanding. I seek perspective. Thus, I seek therapy.

Well, therapy is more symbolic. Life is throwing what I look for toward me. I need only be awake and aware. This always comes- for one can never sleep forever, I would know.

Say yes to everything. Let life’s energy come and guide you. Indeed, that is what pushed me in Finland. Let me adopt this mindset once more. Let me say yes, and not worry about how it will be. Let me say yes to meet people and not worry about conversation.

For I know my conversation revolves around the other.

Within 3 hours, life has changed. Within each moment it changes, but this is obvious, for I woke up with the wish to sleep forever. I woke up feeling terrible, wishing to escape reality.

Please send me outlets, I say yes.