I have been looking to experience how the third eye feels. Today was day 5 of the course on insighttimer. It had me ask a question and perceive an answer.

First I shed my body, for the first time I could imagine ‘me’ and not some stock image of a body being shed. I saw a ball of white light. I did not try to bring this picture in mind. When it came, I second guessed it until Carrie said the soul can look like a ball of light. I feel nice to finally see this symbol that many have seen. I am no longer lacking in visualisation.

Then the question. Both sample questions she gave me were relatable: How can I motivate myself to exercise and what do I need to know for my soul to be free for the highest good.

I have often believed that the best questions are yes or no because otherwise things are too complex. I adopted this belief because even though I loved complex things, I felt compelled to let that go. I began to confuse simple for barren. But today she told me that the higher self in fact would enjoy questions of what, why and how. Finally, here too I feel some relief.

A great note was to add the ‘for my highest good’ part to any question, as this tells me I am asking for the greater good and not short term pleasure. This seeking of short term pleasure is a fear of mine, as it is easy to confuse short term for good.

Thus I chose to meditate on the question of ‘What do I need to know for my soul to be free, for my highest good?’ This idea of freedom feels relevant today, as I let go of Tabla classes and being polite company.

When I dropped my body, thoughts stopped to arise as much. This was wonderful. Certain thoughts came up, but they did not stick. I do not even remember them, perhaps this proves they were not the answer. Or it means I remember the supposed answer because I repeated it. To this I ask, why would I choose to repeat one thing over another? Because it is true?

The answer was ‘I hate myself’. Initially I did not choose to believe this, I called it negative self talk. but if all other thoughts stopped and only this came up, how is it self-talk.

I hate myself.

This is what I need to know to find freedom for my highest good. This answer does feel profound. To accept that I hate myself, to confront it is painful. I want to be the best. Yet here I am, hating myself.

I am sorry to be hateful. I hope to learn to overcome this.