29/11/23

Hello. This feeling does fall under sadness, but it has a name I cannot now recall. Perhaps I do not know what it is called. It is the feeling when you let go of something which causes you anxiety, and the person it is associated with dislikes you for it. Perhaps I do not know what it is called, because to let go of something which causes me anxiety I do not do, for the persons associated with it may dislike me.

I have been playing the tabla as a hobby, but it has gotten serious where my teacher insists we do lessons twice a week. Not much time, but leading up to the lessons I am struck with anxiety. I try to run from them. I also have not mastered my old lessons. I had told him I will sit for the exams, perhaps he operated from this mindset. I did not call him when I returned from vacaion, he called me and asked when we shall sit. I then told him I don’t feel like it. I said I will get back when I am back home. He felt that I ought to continue if I am to write the exam. I told him I do not wish to write the exam then.

This conflict resonates throughout my life. It is a conflict between want and forceful wanting. The gravest example seems when I forced myself to want Finland through logic. It is amusing how this happens at a time when I am realising the issues of going to Finland.

Want and forceful wanting.

My teacher sounded hurt. I did not wish to hurt him. I only wanted some space from the lessons. My mistake was not telling him sooner, perhaps I kept him waiting. I am sorry for that, I was not brave enough to tell him earlier.

If you have such things, tell them to the person concerned. Lest one day you resent yourself for tagging along and blame the other person for not letting you go on their own accord. Only you can liberate yourself. Again, funny how today’s Quote card told me No one saves us but ourselves.

I feel sad for hurting him. My mind races to the future, will I pursue tabla? Will he see me play and feel hurt? I wish to have no ill feelings. I wish to harm nobody. Yet, I do feel upset- why did he not understand that I am not in the space. Why must I always justify my desires, why is a simple I do not wish to not enough?

I too have played tyrant to myself. I am sorry self, I will respect your desires more. I get scared, thinking that your desires in the past have harmed us now- but that is not true is it? You desired to stay home, not go for an exchange year. It is amusing, how I wish to avoid making the same mistake by discovering what the mistake was by restraining all my desires; only to see now that the restraint of desire was the original mistake.

When were you truly happy and at home? 9th and 10th was so nice. The memories of JBCN Parel still weigh heavy. I had friends, family and my own self. I had morality and the desire to do good.

I am sorry. I feel apologetic to my teacher, even though you were not rude or resentful. You clearly stated your case and sent a message apologizing. He said ok, if there is time we shall sit. Now you feel that you must clarify it is not time but desire, and you wonder if this clarification would be rude. Time is there, there is no desire. You are at conflict, you wish to end things in such a way there is a future. Do not act for the future. Act for the present. Do not reply. Wait.

It was very stressful the time before the classes. I constantly wished to cancel. I like the instrument, it is fun. But I am not having fun. I am not having the zeal to go out and learn. This I value. I was measuring it in hours. What way is that? Yes, it is incredibly useful if there is a goal- but what is your goal here? To have fun.

Follow your heart. You have been waiting so long to hear it.

Another thing that happened today is this:

A while ago a girl asked me out. I said no. Today we met and hung out. I did not feel fun or interested, but I was there to respect her invite. I left early, which hurt her. As I left, she was angry that I leave early, which was for her unsettling. New behaviour- I did not protest or convince I only listened and acknowledged. On my way home, I wondered what this will result in, as I listened to my heart and not the forceful wanter. She texted saying the wound is still fresh and it is best we do not meet. I do agree. I am very glad she realised this, but when I left I also did feel sad.

I felt sad that people were upset when I did what was right by me. It makes me feel alone. It is ok. This is a better burden to bear than being fake company or a fake student. It is real. I accept I wished to leave, and that I do not want music lessons.

10/12/23 10 am

Hello my love

Too much pressure? I am sorry about that. I hope you live up to it, but there's no problem if you do not. You do not claim to be perfect. In fact, perfection scares you. I believe last night you experienced your divinity, now you second guess. Are you really affable to all? What if you end up a failure? In that case, what is a failure to you? Is it not a lack of self expression. Vulnerability. I sense there was a part of you unexpressed. That part which still aches- I ought not to forget. You are just a boy. These things which people enjoyed your company for have came because of your pain. I am grateful that they listened, so intently. It tells me I can just be myself, that there is no reason to hide or sugarcoat. Even for yourself. I realise there is pain. So much pain, but I am here for you. I wish I could say things to heal people. I am envious of Jesus, I too wish to heal only with my touch. What is the path to this? If it means casting away doubt, so be it. If it means to remain present, so be it. I do suspect all answers are here. Know what you feel. You feel a bit sad. You wished to cry a moment ago. Now, remain yourself. They love you and you love them. Try not to give in to thoughts, they will pass. You are not an imposter. You are human.

What bothers you? That they try so hard to find role models for Rohin? Well, where is the solution? Who am I to tell them what to do? Well, wait to be asked. Contemplate your answers. There is no rush.

Cast away guilt. So much to be grateful for. Wonderful uncles. Seeing such an inquisitive child. Caring parents. Great househelp. How could you ever think you are being arrogant, when there is the tool of gratitude. I feel humbled. That there are people who listened to me. They praise you, but that praise is not important. Their presence is, and not even the greatest of minds can guarantee presence. Thus, your audience is what you were looking for.

Not to mention the discovery of yourself as your teacher. You look so hard for a guide, and I am within. Meditate on pain. Realise you are all over the place and tell people the truth: that you do not wish to talk about these things further, as you might lie. Simply put, you do not know. It is okay to not know. Worry not about any untruths you may have said, they cannot be rectified. Think only of the moment, what you do and how you feel. Find grounding in the present.

I also wish to tell them not to tell my father much about their praise, as it may further make him judge Abhishek. Nor do I wish to be praised. I am not a spiritual guru. I do not wish to guide or lead anybody, as I do not know how to do it. I also believe I cannot do it, everyone has their own path. I can only try to help in the form of listening. Just as I listen to you now. Your feelings, how the nose hurts a bit, teethache. Teethache is new. I am not familiar with it. A headache. Pounding heart.

I am my own person. I feel that.