7am home

There is so much on my mind yet I can’t think of what to write. A certain tightness in my chest takes over- could it be my body knows of some danger which my mind chooses to forget or to not feel? I think this is possible. Just this morning I saw 6 missed calls from dad at 8pm. It upset me. Firstly it upset me that he kept calling even though I sleep at 8. Perhaps he is not aware of this. Then it upset me that I feel guilt for doing my thing. What gave me responsibility was that last night as I slept, there was a moment I saw my screen and saw these missed calls. I felt I should get up and answer them. Thus I can apologise.

I have become impatient. My mind jumps from one thought/action to another.

The play scares me. There is no doubt. I am afraid of things going wrong, that I am an imposter, that nobody likes me. These are thoughts and they are valid. So many sources of information I have taken and a llama point differently- thus I must begin the process of filtering. I know Carl Jung speaks to me, so does Alan Watts. These are established names, and as Seneca would say, established names are the ones I should spent most time with. For time has tested them already, and they have lasted. Another thing. Is that the current ones have nothing new to offer, since nothing is original as it is. So why bother with them, unless they condense the knowledge of the past? But why can you not access such knowledge yourself?

It scares me that my family is here. I feel a great fight is coming, I am on edge. Dear God, please do not let me stray from the right path with my family. It feels to be in a vulnerable state. Let me be compassionate and patient with them. Let me understand them and not speak much. I feel it holds the key to my slump. Soon this play will be over.

Truth be told I am angry at my family. I am livid. I am angry that each of them lives together yet seems to be hurting. I guess ignorance is bliss. What will we do together today, for to be in an idle room with them is surely to lead to unmeant conflict.

Let us be cheerful and believe a solution will come up. Be adventurous. Have a great smile on your face and cheerfully meet the day now. Nothing can harm you, for I am here. Your intentions are good. You desire peace for your family. You desire the play to be good so everyone can have a memorable final upstage. These are not your fruits or efforts, they are mine. Treat them so, and they cannot be broken.

The world is distracting you? Well, I don’t know what else will attract you, for is not the world all there is? Even if you say God, is he not in the world too? Then what are you? You are, well, can it be expressed? I guess it will be felt. Relax now. Begin the day with a calm mind. With a composed mind.

Got some of my favourite moments