27/11/23 10 am

I wrote about the worst cravings 2 days ago. They got topped. Incredible.

It was a moment of such gravity. I thought it would pass, but it kept getting longer and longer. It felt real, because I truly did not know if I would win. Often, one can get comfortable in certainty about one’s behaviour, but this is deception. Incredible how little we actually control. It’s like recognizing other people have thier own lives and thoughts and ambitions and feelings, only with your own self.

I lay in bed. I did not run from it by pursuing reading or exercise or anything. I could not be bothered. Also, what kind of a life is it if I cannot sleep on my stomach for fear of relapse? In a way, avoidance helps at first. But you must eventually create a life where the option is presented, it is fully justified, but you do not choose it.

I told myself I could relapse. I let it go. I also froze my body. Am I glad I did not do it? Yes I am. Was it full of conflict, yes it was. It all came down to whether I choose God or not. Myself or not. Excellence or not. Do I have blind faith? No, my faith is conciously chosen. I have not the luxury of ignorance anymore. I will know when I miss the mark, but for once I now know when I did well.

I have achieved something incredible last night. Does it worry me that I may have worse cravings? There is no point in worrying. Hanuman Chalisa all the way. Eventually that stopped too.

I had been feeling conflict in my surroundings. One potential perspective is that the world is trying to trip me over. This is time to abandon the mindset that only through mistakes I can learn. This has caused pain yes. But last night I did not pursue what I had certified to be wrong. I did this not by trying to run but remaining. It is very scary. You don’t know if you are going to slip, if you do you will only blame yourself. You hope not. But you will.

God isn’t easy. I feel stronger now. Do not run from conflict. Remain in it. The image of being surrounded by fire and chaos comes to mind. I will neither get burned nor douse the flames. Why should I?
If I am to burn, let me burn. If the fire is to die out it will die out. All I can do is remain.

Heh, am I being too condescending? Am I trying to rationalise? I feel like I am living on the edge. Oh my, is this the flatline ending? I didn’t even know I was in the flatline.

This must only mean I am close. I do not wish to slip now. I will be set back so much more.

Perhaps the best blessing will be to know I can only remain. I find myself pushing for activity just to avoid a relapse. This can take away joy. It is like replacing one addiction with another. I only wish to remain. Where will the world take me now?

Oh I hope to open my third eye, it sounds fun.

I really am a pampered prince no? Let me be a good one then. It is universal, to run from the lot assigned to us. In a world of suffering, if I reject my princliness I am called ungrateful, if I brandish it I am ungrateful. The line is to forget the princliness. It is only one condition. Will I be the same as a beggar? I do not know. I am not that confident to predict things which do not exist. I only wish that if I do be a beggar, I have the light to find my way.

Whatever you are born as, be good. I hope to be good. To carry myself well and gracefully, and to have the insight to learn from the moments I fail.

The world was trying to trip me up, or it was trying to break a greater illusion. Whatever it was, I feel I exercised control and rationality. Forget about the deserving or not aspect of relapse, I have felt poorly in the past. To push, is something I have not tried. The painful beauty seems to be that if we remain where we are, it is always the same. To relapse is always the same. But to keep going forward, brings novelty. Sometimes remaining is novelty.

How did you do this? Crazy. Little bit.

Thanks for reading by the way. I really, really hope it was worth your while.

27/11/23 8pm:

Ok. Here we are again. All seems lost. I get to resist. That is one way to think. I get a challenge to win, and there is both difficulty in this task and meaning. Is that not what you seek? A difficult and meaningful thing to do?

But I wish to give up.

You have often asked yourself your worth. You have berated your self for having a meaningless life. You wanted clarity, this is as clear as it gets. Let this habit go. Consider this your mind’s final fight. If you win this again, you win again and again. You did this in the morning, you can do this now. New strategies? No, just remain. Remain here.

Relax. I will not give you threat or reward. Be wherever you wish to be. Do what you wish to do. Just be in the moment.

28/11/23 4pm

I gave in to my cravings. I had misidentified the battle. I feel heavy, demotivated and sleepy. I feel low, and I don't owe this to the relapse. I have been feeling low for the past few days. Have I failed in my suffering? I don't think so. I am still in it. I do not think I have made things worse or better. There simply is nothing in life. I have no close friends I can speak to for hours. I have no hobbies which get me out of my home. I have little interest in the food I eat and the content I consume. Each activity has become a statistic, emanating from the fear of chaos. What if there is no structure? One thing is certain, the balance is difficult. I feel too much in order, I wish to go out. I do not wish to do this anymore. I am tired. There is nobody who can give me company.

At least I am no longer whitewashing my suffering. I am not resisting it, calling myself weak or holding myself to a high standard. That is self-criticism. It seems that I am not perfect. Nobody is, the only question is do I have the aggression to both resist self-criticism and at the same time pursue a better life.

This is the balance. Else, I reject the present and run behind things that will give a better future. Or I reject the criticism and sink into the suffering. To confront myself, to accept myself, and still wish to be better without any resentment.

I do wish to be better. I do wish to feel what I once felt in terms of achievement and drive. It seems hopeless, I do not know anymore if I can achieve this. I feel terribly alone.

Fortunately, there is no way out of my suffering. I feel that the relapse was feared because I thought I am cheating my suffering, but it remains. There is no way out ofit, so I cannot take the wrong path. As of now, there is no right path.

I am someone who does take opportunity, if I like it. I have spent long forcing myself to take opportunities, lest I be called a pessimist. Yet, often I have hated myself for not taking opportunities which simply did not exist. This too must be acknowledged, that there is very little to do. I don't want to study what I study. I don't want to live in this city. I don't want to lie anymore, I only wish to be real. This sucks. This really, really sucks.

View exercise as a habit already. It is not going to make you feel better. It will not help your addiction. You can still do both, it is not either or. You do it because you wish to be fit, not because you wish to be sober.

Terrible dream last night. I only wish to forget.

Sleep today off honestly. I am on leave now. Hopefully I find strength to rebuild, so it doesn't matter if you burn it all down. I don't care. Caring feels counterproductive now. It feels obsessive. I am a terrible person. I am angry and aggressive and imperfect when the situation makes it so. Where I am at in life, the situation is making it so a lot. When these things stop, I will be the sweetest. It really isn't me, and you cannot say I am shifting blame. If you do, then you are part of the problem. I have gaslit myself some times, displacing anger for the life situation into anger for life. Life is good. The life situation sucks. I know this. I often confuse the two, then I feel guilt for being this way.

But look where I am. Can you guarantee you would not be this way in my place? The issues that drove me here can no longer worsen my situation, I am bound for another 6 months. In a way this is good, I cannot do more damage. But the issues are still there, this is certain. I feel so alone.

How did you deal with this? I think you did not. You accepted your sadness. I do too. If I express this to others they do not understand. They tell me I think too much. All of them keep saying this, it angers me. Why can't they give me better ways to think? Are they too afraid of their thoughts? It seems so, else they would be thinkers. They probably are. Theory says we tell others the things we wish to hear. Do I wish to hear another weep about the gravity of life?

For if money and privilege too cannot guarantee happiness, then why do I chase? If the best have failed, why do I resist? Happiness isn't in my hands. Contrary to learned wisdom, neither is peace. It is counterintuitive, but I simply am not in control. If I was, why would I be here? If we say there is a demon tearing me down, then he is in control, not me. I am tired of being told to try harder by myself.

Because honestly to make it I need little effort. Maybe I am lying, and I might fail tomorrow's test. But this is unlikely. It is not overconfidence, it is just proven. If I do fail, then let this help me. Because my duty seems to be simply to pass, in lack of a higher standard. I do not wish to live like this anymore, caring about things I do not care about then haating myself for it.

These are my feelings. These are just mine. It feels new, no voice in my head pretending to be a winner. I am a sore loser. But a loser who works out and writes. Because I like it. Very few things I like. All others are fleeting interests. I think I like to write because I think. Writing is formal thought they say.

There has not been much I was good at. I only did things I was good at. I wrote and helped people. That was nice. They say I need a skill though. I need to earn.

Well, 6 months to go. Focus only on college.

What if I don't snap out? Well, this is likely. But you will. Eventually. Chill. You snapped out once, it is possible again. Do not fear.