29/09/2023

All of it stems from this. It seems to be the source of all my anger and pain. The reason my development was halted. It makes me angry at the world that it let this happen to me. I was only a kid.

For many years I have seen my father regret how alcohol halted his progress. He lost focus. He has since not lost one moment to tell us to never be casual and lose focus. I was angry at that, I felt he does not see how hard I am on myself already. But I see it now. Whether his remarks made me act out so much that I got into this mess or the mess I was already in made me defensive to him: he was right. Losing focus costs lives. It costs you yourself.

How can such a thing be allowed to exist? What are all these adults and smart people doing? How dare anyone claim to be good and caring if they could not save a child? Many years I have seen myself as my oppressor, now for the first time the clouds clear and I see myself as my own victim. I see the world responsible for letting the oppressor in me thrive. Where was good when I needed it? Is everyone this numb?

No. I believe somewhere I learnt that society itself is a victim. The people themselves are suffering. How can I expect them to help? It is as if Neil Armstrong felt angry nobody told him how beautiful the earth looked from the moon. In my world, it seems I am the first. This was my desire, to be the first. A pioneer.

And this beautiful God made me the pioneer in what truly matters, the only thing that matters. Love. Love, as all is suffering. My dream was to help people, and I can only help someone truly when I not only understand their problem but also suffer from it. And he gave me the greatest problem of all to solve, the loss of the self.

This is my uncharted territory. The world could not help me because it did not understand. It could not, it lacks the power to. To be truly understood, there must be for the listener yourself. You must become the listener. Only when you talk to yourself can you win. I intend to solve the problem of becoming you, of removing all barriers between me and you.

My problem is the world. My purpose is to experience it to alleviate its suffering. I have lost my focus just as my father had, perhaps he has also gained it. But I wish to experience him forgiving himself, I wish to see that so I can do so too. Who else do I know, that is closest to my past? Addiction. The troubles it has sprung from.

My father gave me a much better childhood than his. He gave me all I needed to win this task. I believe I inherited a generational curse, and I believe I will break it. I have all that I need, all that I want. I see the destination more clearly. Fate fail me no. This is all I have ever wanted. I wish to be the first man on the moon, so all can come too. It must be made possible, it must be proven. I am a social experiment, and my hypothesis must be proven. It will change the world.

For that I must change. I must listen to myself and bare my past. I do not wish to hide, but I also do not plan to reveal myself. I plan to be discovered, just as myself plans to be discovered. You need faith, openness and love to get to me. Most of all, patience.

I was not born perfect. I regret it. Perhaps I was born perfect, was perfect, but lost that perfection. I regret losing that perfection. What is lost, can be found. Proofs come. Clues come. To the greatest treasure. I will come to it, the stage is set. I dare to hope others too. Let me bring them.

03/10/2023

Some dreams become nightmares. I had one. I woke up in anger. It was about exchange. I hated how alone I have felt ever since. This anger and disdain tempts me to become angry, but I do not wish to do so. That would mean becoming like the people who let me down. They were ignorant, and I choose to be better.

I had decided not to go for exchange. All of this would have been avoided. I felt I should not go. Listen to your children, especially when you have the resources to do so. If you do not have the resources, you have an excuse. The child will understand. But if the child feels you could have chosen otherwise but you did not, it will hate you. He should have listened to me. He did, then he came and told me to reconsider. Then my world was lost. I went.

Nobody cared. None of these people who claimed to care cared. AFS failed me. They did not check in on me. They lack what was needed for such a delicate effort- you are sending a 16 year old abroad. They focus on the positives. But that is not all there is. Sometimes you need someone to tell a kid it is okay to be normal, that he need not push all the time, and that exchange may not be for him. I was not okay.

She failed me by being weak and not keeping me close. He failed me by choosing development over me. I am seething with rage, I do not know what to do of this. What can I do? What can you do when everyone feels ignorant, when everyone feels in their own world. I trust nobody to understand me. I put myself in the hands of others once, not again. Yes, you all suck if you cannot protect people. You all suck if you cannot be kind and care. You all especially suck if you choose the stick over kindness, genuinely believing the stick will do more good.

I do not belong here nor there. People who feel me, stop. I will not empathize with you. People who have wronged me, judge me, I will not empathize with you either. I will create a new way, one where there is neither stick nor carrot. There is only kindness. All of us are lazy. It is only laziness which is not kind. To earn money and hoard, to not look around, these are easy tasks. I gave myself such great justifications- but I was a liar.

I need therapy to sort these things out. I need to break the cycle. I am tired of it. Those of you who feel left out, you are alone. That has always been your greatest strength. Perhaps the world tells you being alone is bad, but remember you are not harming anybody. Be alone. Find yourself. Rip yourself away from the jaws of this world. It is not for you. It will tempt you and give you reasons- do not think. Thought will do you more harm. Become active. You must, else you are lost. I cannot reach out to you. I cannot give you anything, I have nothing to offer except this.

I always thought that in the question of leading the horse to the well but not being able to make it drink, the tragedy is at least ask the horse if it wishes to drink before resenting it for not drinking. You have done so much for me? Who asked? You have done it for yourself. There is no selfless act you can do for others. You can only do things for yourself, the person who recognizes this I will declare selfless. For there can only be a self if there is the other. As long as there is the other, there is selfishness. If it is only you, what will you gain? Nothing. You have everything you need. You are without a self, you are selfless.

It angers me how this world has become. How dare leaders and gurus guide you away? How dare the strong not protect the weak? The greater tragedy is when the horse wishes to go another way but is taken to the pool, being told water is good. What if the horse does not like water? Stop trying to do good for other people. Fix yourself, that is enough. That is the worthier goal. I respect more the person who strives to become better for themselves, instead of helping others. They do not need your help.

So screw everybody. Those who harm and those who do good. They are the same people. What I want is someone who has no self, no realisation of their goodness or badness. They exist as a human being. That is all there is.

Grief and anger. I should have stayed with myself. But no, such is the flow of life. You went up and down. I believe everyone has gone through this. I believe this is a problem in our world we have given up on solving. Screw that. Technology is ample, why is there no peace? What more do you want? Why are you hurting yourself in these pursuits? Why are you not letting go of these things that hurt others and yourself? Screw pessimism and screw optimism. This is not optimism, it is the truth. It is my truth that love will win. After years of suppression and reasoning this is my conclusion. Love will win.

I side with it. Anger has no place for me. I will resolve this and understand. I will find a true therapist. One who matches me in kindness and intelligence. I wish to understand this so I can understand others. I will find a way to fight this fight which has been forgotten.

28/11/23

I got asked for pictures of my exchange year. It is for a reunion which I am not invited to. This has angered me. I hate AFS. I resent it. I hate that I got convinced to go. I hate that I did not stand my ground. I hate that they sent me but did not look after me. I was a sensitive child, it feels wrong. Everything is wrong. I want to hurt them. But this will not aid me. This matter must be understood and accepted.

They keep asking for photos. The AFS India chapter truly sucks. I do not like it. I hate it. Why do I hate it? Yes, there is reason to dislike, but I hate it. Hatred is powerful, why does it exist?

Perhaps, everything in my life happened because of AFS. Think about it, if you did not go, you would not have dropped out of college. Not have met Durga.

Does the world point to the singularity, the canon event?

Anger will only fog up your eyes. For when you express your anger, you find guilt. No, be assertive. Anger will not tell your story. You must understand what was happening in those days leading to the exchange. There feels much deception and resentment. You do feel others did not have your back.

I want to slap the crap out of people who have hurt me.

849- 5/3/24

Flashes when you imagine someone kissing you on the cheek right now. I consider the reaction, why anger? It feels so natural that it deserves the most questioning. Why anger when someone kisses you on the cheek? Is it the anger of a child smothered by his mother? I guess, an inability to accept affection is rooted within.

Why accept their affection, it is fickle. It does not know me. It is misdirected? So what if it is, who loses out when one cannot feel love? What a dead man.