I recognise strength as one of my weaknesses. Today, I was contemplating something too much. I wished to stop thinking of it, for it concerned my future and I was afraid to daydream or to jinx. My father invited me out in the rain, by the pool of the hotel we were at. Later, I accepted. It seemed impossible, that I would leave my state of bed rot but there I was outsider.
Under the hut, I stood breathing. A thought came to me how fathers poke, to make us stronger. Just then he told me to not think and come, so I went without protest. It was cold.
I tried to stop my shivers, I tried to let them flow. I felt disappointed in myself, I thought I could stand the cold, what with my past Wim Hof endorsement. I felt a bit defeated and humbled in front of my father.

Then, my father remarked, that I was still shivering and said I was weak. This triggered me, and I said I don’t have your fat, to which he said fat has nothing to do with it.

Keeping aside the weak remark, which I have come to accept as his nature to joke, I recognised that I felt upset not because of him, but because I let myself become upset. My real defeat was not being weak, or shivering, it was in trying to get back at him. How silly, what did I expect? That trying to get back at someone will feel good?

Later, I left. I was preoccupied with this fail. Funny, the initial overthinking stopped, only for it to be replaced.

I have learned now. I have learned that my reaction can be short term (silence), and long term (building myself). For let us be real, I am weak. I have gotten out of shape. I cannot blame my circumstances for this, not because that is wrong, but because it will get me nowhere. The precaution is to be strong.
Yes, there is the past anger, that is a different story. I am not invalidating it. I am acknowledging it, and my vulnerability. That I feel upset if someone comments about my strength because I find myself weak.
I would like to do something about this, and become stronger. Not out of spite. I think that is my father’s lesson today. I would like to not be hurt by other’s remarks, whoever they come from. I would like my peace of mind intact. I also would like to stop this conflict that keeps me from becoming strong- this demon that wishes for the world to accept weakness. Why should I bother? I can be whoever I wish to be, or whoever is required. Right now, and forever, strength. Weakness and vulnerability are different things.
Physical strength has so many perks, that I am not going to go into them. All I know is I want it. Let me take this event in stride then, that it is a reminder of what I want. Let me hold no grudges, for it is a positive thing. I have the ability to choose my reactions, and I choose to forget this now. I choose to tell my subconscious- I want to be strong, and to be praised for my strength, I want to choose peace and let go and to see hidden messages in this world. Most of all, I choose now to go into a nice hot shower. Ciao!