It has been a year since the AFS arrival orientation camp in Finland. It’s a camp that all exchange students have to attend after spending one month in Finland. You finally get to meet the other exchange students that have been here. Of course, the idea of sitting on a table with conversations in tons of different languages is exciting, though you later understand why this camp means so much. It is because you don’t feel alone. Here you discover that the problems you are facing as an exchange student are not only your own. You find relatable people with whom you will spend the next nine months visiting each other and creating aching memories.

Luckily, I had written a diary entry for that time. I was excited to meet exchange students. It feels surreal because now I struggle to be social. In the diary, I remembered my frustration over being unable to connect with Finnish people in my first few months. Later on when I did make friends, I felt that if I could make friends in Finland then I could make friends anywhere in the world.

Why do I feel nervous then? Perhaps you understand it, the struggle to make conversation and find a way to be involved in friend circles that are years old. It feels like being an outsider. I do not understand the inside jokes of the people around me because I was not there when they were incepted. Soon, I will have a week long school trip with these people. When I signed up for the trip, I was excited to see a really cool, experimental town called Auroville. Of course, I was excited about getting closer to my new friends as well.

I had consciously ignored my fear of embarrassing myself on school trips which has kept me from going on them. Instead I followed the ‘say yes to everything’ rule. However, now that fear is slowly creeping in alongside the departure date.

Because exposing myself to such a situation gives me certainty. I could not try and merely believe I would have succeeded or I could try and be certain about how I would have done. Nothing hurts more than being certain that you are an outsider, to discover your flaws. Yet, it is a productive process. This trip gives me the chance to question my ability and better understand where I am going wrong at the risk of failure. It gives me the chance to either embarrass myself or prove myself and see where I truly stand. 

Recently, I realised that when I am around my friends I feel immature and childish. Perhaps this trip can give me a new perspective. I am incredibly  afraid, but that’s okay. Uncertainty is healthy. Eh, if I could spend a year away from my country, a week away from home should be fine.

Then again, what is home?