This is something I wrote in a cafe, a diary entry:

3pm 3/3/24 Blue Tokai

I reclaim my corners. You ever felt that urge to scream/ask ‘What the fuck?’ That’s how I felt when I walked in here. Perhaps it is seeing the contrast between my feelings and the normal world. Why do I call it a bad world? Everyone is trying to get by. There is a group of guys doing an online meeting. I respect the hustle.

Art seems to be the only way. To express this pain. I read my journal from a. year ago. It feels immature, so certain I was of my greatness. The pain it hid from I feel still. One moment I say I ought to be away from her, another I am waking up next to her.

Guilty guilty guilty. What for? For girls? Can you truly be on the right side of history? An old friend hit it on the head- praise spoilt us, our time is yet to come again. When I go up, I take him with me. My posse is enlightened, harder than ever.

Lose, loose. Not evil, just loose. Take more hits, hit further. Loose loose. The third eye was lit yesterday, many visions and sounds. It is possible to master it. How though? Why though? Cause that seems to be the only high I want. Recall the Carnival Enlightenment? The visions, incredible. Lose not the heart. You ask if speaking to those who you hurt and hurt you will resolve it, but you only try to fix. It’ll come, do not seek. You energy has more efficient use. You don’t know it.

We do not avoid our pain, nor do we chase it. This is the storm. Sin has its final assault, this poor fool thinks he can trip me with guilt. That’s how one will suffer for the last time. You will be convinced into wanting to suffer (think privilege guilt but the privilege is being a better person, the pain body seeks to drag you back). To call them seeking closure. There will be nothing for you there, you only seek to extend karma.

My dear, this guilt is not yours to bear. You must not be mistaken. Even if you sin, guilt is only an excuse for inaction. Only weak men hide behind guilt. Only weak mean seek forgiveness desperately. If you wish to be strong, carry this burden with grace and ease. A man who has overcome himself shall be sought by forgiveness herself, if he remain humble. Your victims shall forgive you truly when they see you reform. As such, do not seek forgiveness. As Kratos said, ‘Do not be sorry, be better.’

In these bouts of guilt, note this is what happens:

You tell yourself you have sinned, but cannot specify how. This is self-conflagration. It seeks only to destroy your soul- pitiful that it knows not the soul is eternal.

Then you shall seek comfort from your ‘victims’, they may give it to you then you shall say ‘no, this is not real forgiveness, they are unaware of their true feelings, I must bring them peace.’ Then you will seek to fix them. Thus you fall in the cycle.

Or they may not give you the comfort. Here you shall feel empty and hurt. You may even pity yourself. To find yourself the victim on a high road, as if your sins were some great sacrifice. Or that you are irreparable, a wasted life. That this sin shall taint you forever, shall keep you from loving and being loved. Here too, you may seek to reconcile.

Thus functions guilt. A lack of guilt is not a lack of sin, so rest east knowing that guilt is not the only way to acknowledge your sin. In fact, guilt is a way to parade your goodness. It is pathetic. Note now, how a virtuous man shall overcome sin:

to sin is to betray the soul, to leave unheard the voice of God, of the self, of integrity, of all that is whole. It is to betray yourself, simply put. Nobody shall push you from heavy, it is only a leap you take. This is precisely where your uniqueness lies. What we call purpose may just be the sin we choose to eradicate.

Thus first acknowledge that you have sinned- this is free from judgement, as judgement seeks to establish who is guilty. As before, we do not seek to find guilt, only reform.

Yes, when free from guilt, nothing tells you to admit to sin except a sincere desire to improve, why? For you shall admit to sin for nobody except yourself, precisely because when you sin you have nobody as much as yourself. What a freeing thought. In sin, you harm only yourself. Thus, free yourself from guilt to anyone. Guilt will only trap you and hate yourself.

Once the virtuous man recognises sin, he shall be in the knowledge that help is on his way. He shall become still, for he will recognise all his actions since the sin have been borne from guilt. He shall refuse to avoid the sin, to distract himself. He shall look himself squarely in the eye and simply wait. ‘What! Is this not inaction? Is this not an easy escape from the sinner who ought to be tortured?’

Dear friend, cast aside your condemnation, for one day you shall find yourself in his place. You shall find yourself looking at yourself. Thus you will be given a bittersweet reply to your accusation- that to look at yourself in sin is the greatest torture one can endure. This will happen to you if you condemn. But the virtuous man forgives with knowledge.

The virtuous man shall thus see himself in the mirror and seek to forgive himself. This needs no attempt. For just as forced forgiveness to others does not cause lasting peace, so it is with ourselves. Only with ourselves, it is much harder to lie. Moreover, seeking to forgive yourself may quickly devolve into an exercise of blame, where you establish yourself as right and others wrong. You will lose your purpose.

Thus, see yourself without any intent. Only look. Do not search for peace and you will find it. Accept your burden, what does it matter if you have picked it up yourself or it been thrust upon your back? Accept it first, then you can consider putting it down.

It will be interesting, you shall most likely carry it thinking it will make you virtuous, is this not silly? This is guilt.

Suffer, let it be. Think of nothing but your self. The self that has sinned. Cast blameless eyes upon yourself and face your scars. Just as scars may define a well use body, can the same not go for them ind? There is little difference. Get up my friend! And go forth. See your sins and rise above them.

Rise above this sin of lust, it is a disease you contracted. Yes it has harmed, but consider how many more shall suffer if you do not find a cure? And how will you find a cure if you do not get healthy? How will you improve if you remain lamenting over your disease? It is a love for life, not the fear of death, that truly heals us. Get up man. Get up and prove to this cynical world that goodness is possible. That reform is possible. That good and evil are real, that heroes and villains are different. That each one can be calm in the storm, by seeking the highest philosophy. Yours. It is possible. The world of yours is possible.

Well done. Thank you, good friend. Rest easy in reason now. All is well.