If you asked me of my goals two years ago, the answer would be to become a businessman, politician, actor, lawyer, and  teacher in one lifetime. I felt these were the best ways to change the world and use influence for good. However, unlike a once optimistic child, I don’t think I can do that. Nor am I sure I want to.

Whenever I think of my goals there is a conflict within myself. Often I am able to trace the reason for that goal to understand it better. The conflict is broadly between two sides: one that desires traditional greatness  and one that desires peace.

The reason for desiring greatness was at first because I wanted to do good with my fame, to help my community and the world at large. I also wanted to be known to everyone. I admire Abraham Lincoln but I am unsure whether I wish to be like him because of his special deeds or the special treatment he (rightfully) gets because of those deeds. As in, do I want to be like him because he signed slavery into oblivion, or because people literally dipped their handkerchiefs in his blood when he died, precious heirlooms to be passed on. Would I still do good if it is not recognized?

As a child I was also top of my class often, with minimum effort. Now in reflection, I wish I did not have that. After all, I never learnt the importance of hard work. Being on the top got me a lot of attention without effort, I got addicted to it. Later on, I would struggle as things got difficult.

I also believed that the greater the pain you face, the more you grow. This dumb fallacy made me want to chase painful experiences so I would grow faster than my peers. I chose to go to on exchange partly because I was told it would be difficult, and I wished to throw myself into that difficulty to grow, so people would stop calling me a child. However then I understood things a little better and thought pain will come to everyone, no point chasing it. Enjoy to the fullest, everyone has their share of problems. Yes, I did grow up quicker. People often call me mature compared to my peers, what is more important is that I can say that in all honesty.

These two reasons- to have a painful and great life- were at first conscious processes, but now they have become a habit. I also hold ideas learnt from my father, who is a police officer. Thus while growing up, I had a great sense of right and wrong. 

Often to judge a factor of my childhood, I wonder if I would have my own child meet that factor. In the case of this strong sense of right and wrong, I would not give my child that.  Judging trivial things to be wrong has taken away quite a lot of fun and mischief from my life. While judging things to be right- such as obeying every command is right- led to unrealistic standards. I would get annoyed when my classmates had fun during class.

I grew up to be a quiet kid, and I never got the rush of disagreeing with people. To form opinions one has to disagree with people, as I never did that I never formed any concrete beliefs apart from this strict sense of right and wrong.

Later on I quickly learnt that there is a gray area. This gray area is applicable to everyone but bearers of the law like my father. These guys cannot afford that, their job requires quick decision and no compromise- thus they must act with complete conviction.

I have partly covered the side that desires fame to do good, the respect of people, power and one that correlates success to suffering-

the more one suffers, the more likely they are to be in the history books. 

The other part desires peace and quiet. I was introduced to the idea recently on exchange. I used to be in a very small and quiet town. There I could experience that idea fully, unlike my noisy city. I had no pressure to be the best. Chasing peace feels more realistic. I cannot make my goal to be a literal  world changer but I can change a small world. I can find a small town, live there and make that place a better place for people. To have a small circle of friends and be close to them. That is what I want.

Being close to people is a very uncertain experience for me as I have never been able to define “close”. My dad got transferred a lot so I do not have a childhood home or friends. Later on I would learn how to make friends from a book- it’s possible. If I have a child I will give them a stable home. I want to give myself fully to the peaceful side. But there is this part that says- you have the privilege- food, safety and a good education- so you owe it to the world to do great things. Maybe you know this guilt of not being productive all the time. Maybe you also know that it is a tiring one.  People tell me that you don’t owe people things in life, and I wish to believe that fully one day. I feel that it would ease my mind, even though this conflict is much better now. 

It is tragic that the mind considers a great life as the opposite of a quiet one. I feel that is due to the traditional definition of greatness. 

No, you can be great and at peace at the same time.

I look at my exchange as a model.

The first half of my exchange was with a family that did not notice me much. This, combined with my desire to be the greatest exchange student ever, led me to learn the language faster, travel twelve cities in a half a year and be proactive. The family still did not notice me, and I felt far from the greatest. Mind boggling: I suffer yet I do not feel great. 

Then I switched my families, this one I felt so loved that there were moments I was closer to my host mom than any human on earth. I learnt to relax, not be alert and on edge. I wrote quite a lot on a swing, often for hours. This is when I felt at peace- and I felt great. It is incredible what taking one day at a time, one act of kindness at a time and not bashing yourself can do. I never felt like that before or after. 

Oh and my goal would be to get over this conflict, choose the peaceful side, buy a house in Lapland and become an English teacher. Teachers shape people a lot, and I feel that children are sensitive things. I think I can take good care of them. I hope that I have my dozens of diaries throughout my life so I can, maybe one day, show my class how I was at their age. I would also like to have a dog, and to change at least one life for the better.