In all honesty, I do not know what I am doing. There feels to be no trajectory in life, nothing beyond the moment. No future to anticipate. My greatest fear is to waste my chance. I feel an obligation to those without my privilege, and this obligation is unexplained and irrational. I wish I could say ‘who cares about them’, but my moral compass is far too set. 

I need a win. In the past months, I have not done anything worth admiration. I feel it unfair that I must keep on doing big things so that my ever-changing peers, who do not know my past achievements, can see my caliber and respect me. This has often been the case as I move around often. However, now I am at a loss. I feel out of place and even if you ask me where I wish to be, I do not know. 

Yes, I had expected uncertainty to come as a rite of passage into adulthood. I did not expect myself to be affected so gravely- rather I did not think of it at all. I am content with letting time flow, but pretty soon I will no longer be a teenager. I am afraid of missing out on things, later learning that I could have better used my time, in not doing so I have disrespected the people who do not have the same opportunities as I do. Someone else could have used this life better. 

I think these thoughts sometimes.Such a conflict it is. Part of you wishes to be indifferent while another wishes to care about everything. Sometimes you feel hopeless and others you feel motivated. You flip between feeling obliged to those who could have used this shot better and ‘why should I care about people I have not met’.

 All of this is okay. There is no right answer. If you are going through it, just enjoy the ride. If you wish to sleep all day, do that. Work hard? Go for it. Do what makes you happy, not what makes an imaginary ‘better user of my opportunities’ happy. You have been given the chance to live for yourself. If living for yourself is being content, then you can live for yourself in many ways.

In fact, if you feel content by living for others and serving them, then you are living for yourself. 

A good way to help yourself is by helping others. Don’t feel guilty if people frown upon your actions. Some people feel content by being hopelessly unproductive, so do that. As long as you are honest with yourself, you will eventually change your attitude and get productive. Nobody sticks to only one way of finding happiness in life.

Oh, and make sure you don’t try hurting people. Sometimes you can’t avoid brutal but healthy confrontations. 

Also make sure you don’t hurt yourself. You’ve done cool stuff in the past, this is just a half-time.