What is this feeling? This caffeine-fueled energy that makes me want to do everything and nothing at the same time. It makes me realise three things: that nothing I have done so far matters, I must never stop doing the next big thing and that I must never be satisfied.

Nothing I have done so far matters

This is what my exchange shows me. All my achievements will only mean something when the witnesses are around. In this case my friends. The same friends from whom I have drifted. They are the only ones who know about my progress. It was in front of them that I became head boy, flipped my entire personality and  was at my kindest.  To be rude with them would have been met with sympathy, since they would know I don’t mean it. But they are 6000 miles away and I have to start from scratch. I can not rely on past achievements. So the second lesson.

The next big thing

If I were to settle after my perfect secondary checkpoint result, sure people would be impressed by it- but it’d die out after a year or two. It would be irrelevant amidst much more important SAT scores and what not

Revolutionaries can become irrelevant. If I were to say after my secondary checkpoint result ‘Yep that’s it, perfect score, that’s enough.’ I wouldn’t have done new and better things. Sure people were impressed by it, but for how long?

Without them, nobody will believe what I say- that is of course if people ask me about them in the first place. That’s one reason why I love the stage- I can prove myself in front of  everyone there is.

This is what my exchange shows me. I left and drifted from the people who knew me the most since they paid witness to my progress. I became head boy, put up performances and was at my kindest in front of them. If I were to be rude for a moment with them, it wouldn’t change anything because the foundation I have laid is strong enough.

But now there is nobody left. My friends here do not know me or the things that motivate my actions. They don’t know why I write in mirror-writing, or what my bracelets symbolize. The meaning behind my playlist and wallpapers. How I discovered the shows I like and why I like them and my idols and ideals.

It also makes me realise that nothing that I will do matters. All my achievements are worth nothing if the people who validate them are not around.