Someone said they loved me without wanting reciprocation. I noticed the lie, ignoring it I gifted a ring. Next day they wished to date me. It upset me to be in a situation where I must disappoint. I brought it upon myself giving the ring when I knew the truth. I became angry for days. Then I asked why they contradicted themselves. They felt saying they did not want reciprocation was self preservation. Self preservation here seems a nice word for a lie. I believe wanting reciprocation is the lie. This was my response.

I asked you because it upset me. When you told me you did not want reciprocation, I did notice your eyes say otherwise. Still, I chose to believe that you did not lie to me. Self-preservation is a lie, it makes loving impossible. I do not think you were lying when you told me you wanted no reciprocation, I felt your real self preservation was in asking me out. Transactional relationships, where there is the concept of reciprocation, are not real, like the self you preserve. Telling someone you love them with no desire to self preserve is real. I did not tell you this because my mind was in great emotional turmoil- I would not have given the ring to someone who wished to self-preserve else its meaning be misconstrued. I feel it reset your progress, and I believe if I had not given it you would not have asked me out.

By ignoring what I had noticed and not seeing through, I caused the emotional turmoil. I do not like to say no nor to disappoint. But to those who self-preserve, I must. To avoid these situations I do not engage, as my involvement can impede someone's progress considerably. But by choosing a lie and giving you the ring, I got involved when I did not wish to. For this I was angry, else my words would have been kinder. Being angry also upsets me.

I tell you this now because I believe in Blue Tokai you were only expressing love for yourself. I believe you do neither know me enough to think we should date nor have reasons to love me, but to express love itself you only need to know yourself. I believe that just as you were about to achieve something higher, you fell back. It is highest to love without reciprocation, but in asking me out I believe you went lower.

I believe by looking to date you are looking in the wrong place when to ask someone out means to be less vulnerable. This itself means I will say no. I do not wish to be with someone who has levels of vulnerability with me, nor would I wish for them to be with me as long as I have levels of vulnerability with them.

I asked you the reasons you loved me, because I have none of those qualities. You seeing them means you only see them in yourself. When I pressed on that topic, you created a separation in the reasons you love me and the reasons you love yourself. This too cannot be, as if that exists I will not be present in that place. You also do not know me enough to view me as separate from yourself accurately, and if you do know me then such a separation does not exist. These feelings have not flourished for me. I do not deny that they have flourished, but once again by attributing them to someone else you fool yourself. So figure out whom they truly are for; it’s not Karan, and when you find your answer it will be something better.

These are only my thoughts. I have wondered about this as there are many ideas within. I tell some of these to you, because they might click. If not, discard them. I don't believe them, I am only the messenger.’

I asked you because it upset me. When you told me you did not want reciprocation, I did notice your eyes say otherwise. Still, I chose to believe that you did not lie to me. Self-preservation is a lie, it makes loving impossible. I do not think you were lying when you told me you wanted no reciprocation, I felt your real self preservation was in asking me out. Transactional relationships, where there is the concept of reciprocation, are not real, like the self you preserve. Telling someone you love them with no desire to self preserve is real. I did not tell you this because my mind was in great emotional turmoil- I would not have given the ring to someone who wished to self-preserve. I feel it reset your progress, and I believe if I had not given it you would not have asked me out.

By ignoring what I had noticed and not seeing through, I caused the emotional turmoil. I do not like to say no nor to disappoint. But to those who self-preserve, I must. To avoid these situations I do not engage, as my involvement can impede someone's progress considerably. But by choosing a lie and giving you the ring, I got involved when I did not wish to. For this I was angry, else my words would have been kinder. Being angry also upsets me.

I tell you this now because I believe in Blue Tokai you were only expressing love for yourself. I believe you do neither know me enough to think we should date nor have reasons to love me, but to express love itself you only need to know yourself. I believe that just as you were about to achieve something higher, you fell back. It is highest to love without reciprocation, but in asking me out I believe you went lower.

I believe by looking to date you are looking in the wrong place when to ask someone out means to be less vulnerable. This itself means I will say no. I do not wish to be with someone who has levels of vulnerability with me, nor would I wish for them to be with me as long as I have levels of vulnerability with them.

I asked you the reasons you loved me, because I have none of those qualities. You seeing them means you only see them in yourself. When I pressed on that topic, you created a separation in the reasons you love me and the reasons you love yourself. This too cannot be, as if that exists I will not be present in that place. You also do not know me enough to view me as separate from yourself accurately, and if you do know me then such a separation does not exist. These feelings have not flourished for me. I do not deny that they have flourished, but once again by attributing them to someone else you fool yourself. So figure out whom they truly are for; it’s not Karan, and when you find your answer it will be something better.

These are only my thoughts. I have wondered about this as there are many ideas within. I tell some of these to you, because they might click. If not, discard them. I don't believe them, I am only the messenger.’

Now I wonder, why did I readily believe a lie? Somewhere, I desire to be loved with no attachment. I feel my presence brings too many experiences. Either I tone it down for the unwilling, or be fully myself for the willing. Perhaps those who wish to date me think they are willing, but they only want the toned down version as that is all they have seen. I wished to be loved without reciprocation, so I may fully be myself. Perhaps this was the reason I believed the lie. Truly, the lie is I have a say to my nature. I felt hurt. Gotta feel it no? Funnily, what I truly want is that which I do not desire nor it desires me. I made a mistake, a lovely mistake. I too am guilty of self-preservation it seems. The ring was given from a desire to create a certain image of myself as a gracious man.

• Understand Zen better.