For some part of my teenage life, I never had to worry about friends. Most often, people just came to me to vent. I was what you would call “the therapist friend”. It seemed to the people around me that I had no problems of mine- something I took pride in believing as well. But no, the dynamic of my friendships was that I listen and they talk. Not that they did not wish to listen to me, it’s just that I felt there was nothing to talk about from my end.

So this naturally got me a lot of people who spoke to me. It made me the popular kid in many places- until I went for exchange.

In Finland I had to make new friends- a clean slate. The problem was that my idea of a friendship where I listen and they talk was shredded into nothingness. Why? Because Finns don’t really talk a lot. 

So I had to discover what friendship means to me.

The complete list of things I learnt about friendship from Finns is long. Rather, to unlearn my previous concept of friendship took a long time. Actually, I had no idea what a friend means to me. I never asked for anything from people and I gave without expecting anything in return. This should make me a ton of friends who remember me and find me happiness right?

Wrong.

Friendship is a two way street. I am having to learn this the hard way, but always giving does not work. In fact, it can be quite toxic both for your drained self and the person you give to.

For your self:

Expecting things is natural, it’s not wrong. Even if you do not expect things from people, you do. The problem with me was not that I didn’t expect anything from my friendships. It lay in the fact that I subconsciously had unrealistic hidden expectations. The “if I tell you, it won’t happen” kind. 

I expected that if I am nice to everyone, if I put into them all of my time and effort, that the day I needed help all of them would remember me and tend to me. Well, the day came many times but there was nobody to help me. Though my friends were nice people, they simply did not think that I would need help. On top of that, I had this stupid thing where I would deny that I need help, secretly hoping that they would help me anyway. Kind of like when you don’t want to sound greedy and deny wanting the last French Fry, hoping that they give it to you anyway.

But that’s what friendship should be about, where you can blatantly be okay with taking that last fry.

For your friends:

People love being asked for things. If you were to take that last French Fry, it’s likely that your friend would give it to you. They would feel needed and wanted. Giving you the fry makes them feel better and kind.

A lot of people wanted to help me, but they just didn’t know how. My guess is that they got sick of always getting things from me and not being able to do anything in return. This is why friendship must be a two way street. 

You may feel that you are doing your friend a favor by listening to them and not venting yourself all the time, but chances are that they just feel like a charity case. By opening up to each other, you console each other by the idea that you both are equally vulnerable and have something to lose. By being the only one listening, you send off the message that you are superior.

It may not make much sense to you, but if it does then I am glad. I still get smacked in the face by this lesson, and I still try to be a better friend. I won’t say “I am telling you this to save you some suffering.” Because that would be condescending and a lie. You need to experience to understand it. The purpose of this post isn’t to teach you something, but for you to reflect and clarify your mind. It’s for you to teach yourself. 

Unless you relate to an experience, it’s only someone else’s story.