2300 hrs

April 11, 2019

The days pass at an astonishing rate. My greater fear isn’t the moment I say goodbye and step onto that plane; but the panic in the days, hours and minutes that would lead to it. Would I be up for it, the task of seizing each day to its fullest and leaving satisfied. Or would a haunting regret wash over me and I would drown thinking through ‘What if’s?’ on the 16 hour journey back home. Whatever it be, at least I have someone who may understand me. I wonder if Vandita would be her usual happy self. I admire her positivity, moreover, even though it is selfish of me to do so, I hope it lasts long enough to seep into me on our flight and she takes care of me.

It is quite a unique feeling. The thought of meeting old, changed friends, who speak the same language gives a warm feeling, and reassures you that going back isn’t as bad as it seems. That you are not only leaving your one year life but returning to something that you know well- something that knows you well too. These thoughts change the reluctance I have in leaving Finland, into a longing to see the people who know my past and understand my jokes. People who have changed.

Change.

There lingers a fear that you have been replaced. Even the memories you created with your old friends have been replaced by newer, more relevant moments they created without you. It feels like there is a fight for my presence waiting for me.

During exchange, you have new family, friends, culture and often a language to learn. You are akin to an infant figuring out the workings of its surroundings. All your past achievements, and the reputation your name carries, is of little significance here. As nobody knows your past, ‘first impressions’ are of paramount importance. It doesn’t matter if you are hardworking back home, if you mess up your first test nobody will say ‘Ah she was lazy this time, but most of the time she is very dedicated’, because here nobody has seen ‘most of the times’. They will label you as lazy, and even though laziness is fine- it’s not you. They do not see you the way you want them to.

Here you must create your presence from scratch, all on your own and in a different way. Since the methods you use to create your image are different this time, the personality you create may be the polar opposite of the one back home. All you can hope is that your old friends understand that you have changed.

Due to this, most consider exchange to be a new life. However I like to think that returning to your natural country is also followed by creating a new life, only that this one is a steeper mountain to scale. When you left, you had to form a personality for people you had no idea existed. They are a blank slate and expect nothing from you. On the other hand, once you return, with a personality moulded by a fully different culture, you not only have your own expectations to tend to but those of the people around you as well. They will expect you to be the same as when you left.

They will have a tough time believing you have changed. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, call your ‘going vegan’, ‘wokeness’ or the accent ‘just a phase’, even though these things really matter to you. They matter to you because they  took certain experiences, painful and/or joyous, to develop , but your friends will never experience what you did. Imagine the immense frustration knowing that nobody will ever fully understand your experience, nor there is anything you can do about it. You fall in love with a culture they may find strange. The hurt is similar to when you show your favorite show to your friend, but they don’t like it. Only that this hurts much more.

Amidst all their new inside jokes with new friends, who are just like you, you will find yourself lost- nervously laughing along while remembering “that one time *friend you have never met* did something crazy”.

You are once again out of touch with your culture and out of your element.

If this, god forbid, does come to pass, remember that the year that put you in this predicament didn’t do so without arming you with the ability to overcome it. It has found you family and friends, the ability to adapt and make a name for yourself wherever you land. You have grown up earlier than your peers. You lost many things in exchange for the opportunity to use the head-start you gained.

Use it well.