I ignored it. I never thought I would feel it, I still deny it but it’s there. The feeling of loss. Of losing something that I didn’t even have yet- just the possibility being shut off hurts. Not to mention the idea that there is nothing I can do to change her mind- kinda like watching your battery dying without a charger at hand. No amount of emotion and coaxing will turn it back on. All you can do is regret how you should have used (or not used) that final 5%, and learn to carry a charger on your next outing. I was close to discovering a new side of myself: considering how I had the whole no regrets thing going on, I wondered how I would have been this time. Would I be able to make eye contact publicly and open up with no long term plan? Would she be the only one I rant and show my emotions to? I know I would have done everything, knowing there is no payback or ulterior motive both for me or her, what i didn’t know was exactly what “everything” is. That would’ve been the fun part, to know how crazy I could be.

But no. These were my thoughts when I took my shot; now I feel her point: that if it hurts losing an unborn possibility now, the high of it being born and  increased fall damage when it’s taken away would perhaps be the first time I’d cry. It would be the greatest time of our lives in the present, but it would also be the greatest pain of the future. Especially if I was going to be open and give it my all. She said she couldn’t bear losing it- I agree. But what I don’t see is why she said she would like to be as close a friend- wouldn’t that hurt as well? It doesn’t matter what kind of close relationship it is: as long as it exists, it ends; as long as it ends, it hurts.

I declare myself to be a smartass considering human contact and others’ judgement unessential and irrelevant. Naturally it’s untrue but to what extent? I do not know if people affect me, but call it exceptional or natural- she did. I never got used to this feeling- thanks to me getting everything I want.

The last time being the unfinished possibility of Nicolas Cage being Superma’am, I’m having to move on from the idea of what was possible with someone after a very long time

Part of me believes there is a small possibility- but is there?

You can relate below.